To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Schools are LEGALLY not allowed to refuse to take a child who is not toilet trained for whatever reason neither should they be asking parents to come in and change the child as leaving a child wet and or soiled is neglect ,
Stop making things up.

If he can wee on demand when he’s taken to the toilet then he has some bladder control and can be ‘trained’. All children need reminders and prompts very regularly at first, that’s how they learn to associate the feeling of needing to go with the actual going.

And if he runs off giggling when you say he’s done a poo, then again he clearly knows when he’s done one. Can you not recognise the signs that he’s about to do a poo and take him to the toilet immediately? Most parents recognise their kids ‘poo face’ or behaviour.

100%

lol at social services.

i think what has happened and what is always going to happen no matter what is that you will be blamed as the mother - which is why I’m blaming myself.

Obviously calling me names helps. I can’t think of anything more supportive!

I do think it’s funny how some think they know so much and know so very little.

The reason for that is because for his whole life he was taught to poo and wee in his pants. People start so late with potty training these days, no wonder it’s hard. You are now saying to him “this thing you’ve done your whole life, actually you need to do something else [use a potty ]”.

have you read books with him about using a potty? Have you stayed home with him being naked from the waist down? You need to do so. Take away the pants and trousers entirely until he gets it - he’s been taught his whole life that soiling is ok. So take away bottom clothes entirely, bare bum until he gets it. Then slowly introduce.

Anyway if is not important. We have reached a resolution, it may not be one people approve of but we do not care.

I'm sorry but you need to put your big girl pants on and get this sorted. Not training him before school? That's ridiculous. You sound like you can't be arsed to deal with it, start parenting him fgs

If he’s ND then that doesn’t mean give up. Honestly so many of us have been there and it’s really crap, but as someone who mostly watched my partner (and helped when I could) potty train my autistic step-son you do just have to persevere and find what works for him. My DP spent over a year potty training whilst his mother kept putting him in nappies because it was easier for him, the regression to nappies 50% of the time was a nightmare but the fact is that if a ND child isn’t potty trained as early as possible it only gets harder and harder. Your son may never say he wants to use the toilet instead of a nappy if he prefers them and you cleaning up after him.

as others have said, take a break and then try again. I would suggest using nappies but only on the potty to start with, you can then add stages to remove the straps then cut a hole in the nappy and then finally remove it altogether. It may also help to note down (whilst he’s in nappies for the break) when he tends to wee or poo. So for instance school mentioned that my step son always pooed half an hour after eating a pear. We also knew he went to specific places in the house to poo in his nappy (like lying down on sofa) so when he did this we would take him to the potty. These are all ideas but I agree you may need a break before mentally preparing for this because you know that it’s not ok to send your son to school in nappies unless he has SN that make it impossible.

I did this with both of mine. Instant potty training. You just have to hold your nerve.

Mine couldn't do it, until school started and miraculously he could..!!!🤔

He won’t be going to school in nappies.

He has left preschool.

He does not start school until September 2025, he will be 5 years 8 months. Hopefully he will be sorted then, if he is not then I delay him starting school u too he is . So do not fear no teacher will have to change a nappy.

I absolutely agree with the OP that taking a break from it is the right move. It has become a fraught subject for you and this will inevitably convey itself to your child, however hard you try for it not to. Now this des not make you a bad person. You have shown great insight and self-recognition in realising that a break from this is needed.

He WILL get it in the end - but it will happen in his time. Child-rearing is littered with "shoulds" and "ought tos" particularly in relation to when various things should happen. Every child is different and it is important not to be burdened with others' judgy attitudes. You know your child best; you know your lifestyle; you know your priorities. It really is not good to disrupt your good relationship with your child in order to meet the expectations of others.

If, when you return to helping him to work out toileting, he is still having problems, then a quick chat with the doc is in order, just so you can be sure there is no physical problem getting in his way. No need to take him with you initially as this focuses on it as a problem - see what the doc says and take it from there.

You can’t just give up on him!

No one is giving up on him. We are just not going to persevere at this moment in time because it is not working.

OP please ignore the negative comments. If you haven't had toilet issues with your children it's luck, not superior parenting. My youngest DS trained easily. My eldest DD had soiling and withholding issues for years and it nearly broke me. I can see that you're not giving up out of laziness or not caring, you've just reached the end of your tether. Speak to the preschool but if taking him out helps you mentally then do it. But I do hope preschool can give you some peace of mind on this. Take a month. Go back to nappies. Get some headspace. Watch programmes about toilet training, read potty training books. Then when you've reached a better place in your mindset, start again. Take it slow. This will pass. He will learn and be trained eventually. Just do what you need to for yourself for now. Your son is loved and you obviously care enough to post here. If I could give you a hug I would. Go easy on yourself. You're doing your best. Parenting is tough.

which is why I’m blaming myself. - stop that right now!!! 😀

nobody is "blaming you" posters have asked about his dad you haven't answered if his dad helps, posters are reacting to your responses which have been vague dismissive and defensive, posters genuinely want to advise you.

Thanks @Dracarys1 , it is really hard and I almost feel quite dirty reading this thread 😂 it’s me who has not done a very good job and it’s a horrible feeling. But when you start to get annoyed that’s when you have to stop …. I literally ran out of pants for him.

You have been extremely critical, personal and generally unpleasant on here. That is your right and you are of course free to have your view.

But do not come back bustling about claiming you only want to support when you have told me my son is a nuisance to me. That is not supportive. That is nasty.

I do think it's in his best interest s that he goes to pre school.becsuse they can help him, achieve continence and its a pre school and he is three so it won't be a massive shock to them that some kids struggle ,they can also help if he does have special needs getting things in place for when he starts school
Ignoring all the posters on here who are just putting the boot in ,
18 months is a huge amount of time for a three year old to become toilet trained but if he still isnt when he starts school than its a development delay and school cannot refuse to have him .

He'll be almost 6 when he starts school? That can't be right OP, what about reception class?
I'm worried about you, please seek advice or support from family and friends.
No one is judging you, you need to be kinder on yourself.
It's a real shame that you've removed him for preschool, not least when you have two small ones it's nice to have a bit of a break.

So you're gonna wait for your toddler to do your parenting for you?
Take a 2 week break if you must but no you can't just decide potty training your child isn't your responsibility.

We did totally naked at home for a few days, then a few days of taking him to the toilet every 30ish minutes. DS was 2 and 3 months, I can't imagine waiting for my 2 year old to tell me when he needs potty training.

You just gonna stop serving him fruits and vegetables too and wait for him to ask you for brocoli? It's literally your job to teach him these things. He doesn't want to go to school, no probs kid, you know best, you let me know when you want an education.

Thanks @x2boys , I just really feel like I can’t send him somewhere I’ll be judged like this thread.

@laughinglovingliving

I mistyped. He will be 4 years 8 months when he starts school assuming he’s reliably using the toilet then.

Yes @Saymyname28 . Totally 👍🏻