To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Hi OP,
I know how easy it is to beat yourself up about your child’s progress, and although I agree in part with waiting for him to show signs of readiness, I think he does need a nudge in the right direction.
I would take a week or two off so you’re both more relaxed and try a different approach.
We found reading ‘No More Nappies’ as a bedtime story in those ‘weeks off’ helped.
We also removed the stress of washing and went pants free and dedicated a week or so at home, moved on to undies and then trousers.
Hope you crack it soon

Some children really struggle with potty training. My daughter was one of them. She didn’t start till just before she started school, what works for one child won’t work for others just like anything. I completely understand the stress is causes and would definitely recommend a break from it whilst you get yourself together. If he hasn’t grasped it by school she it is likely there is some sensory issues/something bigger going on and the school have wonderful resources for dealing with it. Has nothing to do with lazy parenting, you can’t force a child to not shit himself!

Wow, what great advice for someone who can't time travel.

I wouldn't completely stop but go to a middle ground. Sit him on the potty or toilet first thing in the morning, before bed and before bath. Give praise or stickers when he does it successfully and when he shows more interest increase the times out of nappies. You could start with just morning in pants or just afternoon it needed

Personally I can’t think of many things more demoralising than repeatedly cleaning up poo smeared on carpets, furniture - or me. I’ve dealt with a drunk 17 year old vomiting all over the bathroom. I’d far rather deal with that than what OP is dealing with.

I’m no child psychologist but I can see that you’ll get nowhere with a very stubborn child who thinks it’s funny to poo in his pants until the child is old enough to understand consequences. He may well be still too young to understand that he’ll have to miss out on things because he’s refusing to use the toilet. When he’s a bit older this might be the way forward. If he’s NT, it’s certainly what I’d do. No using the toilet, no trip out etc.

For now, I’d certainly use nappies for a while for my own sanity. My DS1 was trained at 2 years 3 months. DS2 was over 3 - we did nothing different, so it must be the individual child that is the factor.

Apart from being smug how do you think you post us in any way helpful?
The Op is going through this now ,most children will be toilet trained by school.even if it takes some a bit longer.
If they are not there will be a reason for that.

Great advice from @BarnacleBeasley. A lot of kids WILL wee and poo on the floor for days when potty training starts - that’s why you have to be on (some of) them like a hawk. Absolutely shadow them. It’s dull and tiring and it is nice to have another adult to switch in an out with.

My thoughts exactly. I had 7 children all out of nappies day and night before age 2. I wouldn't start putting nappies back on him, nappies are for babies and he's not a baby anymore. Please keep persevering and don't give up, maybe speak to a health visitor or doctor to check he doesn't have any problems causing him to not be toilet trained.

If I were you I'd stay at home and do bare bummed potty training all day until progress made. Then there wouldn't be all the angst about pants that you describe. But that's just me, you seem 100% set on giving up so I don't quite get the purpose of the thread.

Same, the earlier the better. Thinking of a child in nappies is horrible, just sitting in their wee or poo. I don't understand why people leave it so late then wonder why it's so difficult. All my 7 were trained day and night before 2 and they took less than 2 weeks to catch on fully and have prerty much no accidents. That certainly can't be coincidence! Put your babies in underwear once they are steady and confident walking and never go back to nappies even if it takes longer than you expect. I feel very strongly on this subject, it's so important.

Maybe some tips would be more helpful than potty-shaming.

Have more than one potty. Not ideal having one in the kitchen/sitting room etc but better than poo on the carpet.

Put a potty next to the loo and let your kid sit on it while you or your partner use the loo. Again, not glam but works.

Put a potty with a large mirror in front of it - so he can sit a bit longer and watch himself. He will get used to the visual of himself on the potty.

Chocolate coin for every wee in the potty.

If they have older cousins etc - (not too old that it's weird) let son into the bathroom while they are on the potty.

Read all the 'I want my Potty' books - make it fun!

There is sooo much you can do. It doesn't need to be all stressy and hard.

Maybe go back to pull ups if that is what you need to do at the moment, but I would recommend carrying on with regularly taking him to use the loo - because you have made progress with the wees. I would also just pop him on the loo after meals - more likely to catch a poo that way! Once he’s done a poo on the loo once, he may feel more inspired to try it again.

keep going, you will get there.

@Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic nighttime dryness is mainly down to hormones not fantastic parenting, and many people think having 7 children isn’t great parenting

I started potty training my first child when he was just over 3 because it felt like I should. It was a complete disaster that when on for about 7 months. He got the hang of going for a wee really easily and I thought we had it made. He would go and hide under the table when he needed a poo. No special needs, no constipation. He just didn’t want to do a poo in the potty because he didn’t like it. It made going out a nightmare.

Eventually, with help from a chocolate button based reward system, we got there.

With my second child I said I would wait until they were interested in pants or potties or toilet related activities themselves. I don’t know if it was because I was more relaxed, or because she had an older sibling to copy, or just because she was invested in the outcome herself, but she was completely day time potty trained in 1 month (with occasional accidents).

Sometimes it’s best to take a break when something has become a battle of wills between you and your child. Sometimes they do need to want it for themselves before they really try.

I’m sure that when the time is right, when you and your child are both ready to face it again, it will work. You have time before they start school to take a break and try again when you are both ready.

If preschool are happy to have your child there in pull ups, it might be good for them to keep going if only because if they see children using the potty round them it might become something they want for themselves in a couple of months time?

I used bribery, unashamedly. It worked. I stopped the first time at 2.5 years and we started a few months later and wham, the nursery were so good with her and having other kids around helped. When she went to the toilet she got smarties, it got to the point that I didn´t remind her and she didn´t remember to ask. Just like that. Oh, and the Oh Crap method was shit, I got rid of the damned book and was the better for it.

I think you are getting a very hard time on here
I have 5 children and with my first I thought I was an amazing mother 😂 ds 1 I found him sitting on the toilet and that was it it was another year for him to be dry at night but that was fine
Then Ds2 came along and showed me that Ds1 potty training was a complete fluke 😂 Ds2 screamed every time I tried to sit him on the potty or toilet he did not want to know about it at all
6weeks before he started school he would use the toilet to do a wee but he would hold a poo all day long until we put a nappy on him which wasn’t great for his bowel
It takes time and patience unfortunately.
Maybe you should just wait a few weeks until it is warmer weather and just let him run around with nothing on his bottom half and set a timer for every 20-30 mins and then take him to the toilet
he is going to have accidents but he will not be the only child having accidents and I would not remove him from pre school it’s good for him
you sound very down I think toilet training is just another thing on top of whatever else is going on in your life

With both of mine I waited until after they turned 3 so I knew for sure they were ready, then waited for a nice warm long weekend and we spent all day every day in the garden totally pants free with a potty nearby. Something psychologically I think that pants still feel like a nappy and it's where they are used to going, so if they are completely bare-arsed it's easier to convince them to use the toilet by means of bribery.

But try not to get too stressed about it, it'll happen eventually. If you're stressed then they will get stressed, don't let people feel bad for figuring out the best way for your family.

It sounds like you need a break but that doesn't have to be long.

Take a couple of weeks to reset and for the better weather to come to make washing/ being half naked easier.

My son was a disaster. It was a very wet weekend and he was in waterproof dungarees and we had guests so I thought sod it and gave up.

When they'd all gone home a few days later we tried again and it clicked.

I think waiting for him to be ready is a mistake but taking time out and returning to it fresh is fine.

I didnt say it was about fantastic parenting although i'm pretty fantastic even if I do say so myself. People can have as many children as they choose, what a strange comment. I work hard as does my DH and my children are well loved and cared for. Those "people" who think this should be more concerned about all the children who are being mistreated and abused than a loving mother who adores her children and has chosen to have more children than the average family.

give yourself a break OP. My 3 children were potty trained at different ages. Oldest boy about 2 1/2 and within 2 weeks refused nappies at bedtime - never had an accident
My youngest (daughter) was very tricky. She was much older than the boys. Thought she'd never get out of nappies/wet pants! She has a very stubborn streak and despite sitting herself on the loo when she was tiny - watching the boys etc, she had absolutely no interest when it was her time to potty train.

Don't overthink it and don't worry about his age just yet.

@Comeandeat you have to stay in the house for a couple of week and just let him wear pants. put the potty in the middle of the floor and tell him he has to use it to wee. you will end up with a pile of pants to wash but it is only short term. be prepared for many accidents. by loads of pants

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/education/toilet-training-school-children-parents-b2508133.html

I just wanted to ask if you have any support? You obviously care about your son but you seem so so sad and worried about judgment and I notice you say a lot about 'we won't go anywhere'. I wonder if you need to take a break from the training and whatever to give yourself space but also maybe access some support for your mental health? I'm not trying to be rude, I often find I only realise how bad my mental health is when I start to recover because I get determined to plow on when I am down but you really sound so down. You are not lazy or ridiculous or neglectful but I just wonder if you need a helping hand first? Would you/could you talk to a GP about how you are feeling?

The OP is getting criticism because her replies have been extremely self pitying and she has rejected every single piece of advice suggested. She is actively harming her child’s education over this now.

OP - don’t post in a forum like this if all you want is uncritical validation and support. You’re on the wrong part of the internet for that.

If you’re truly unable to cope and not just being petulant, please urgently seek counselling. Its not okay to harm your child’s prospects like this.

The child is 3 and doesn't start school for 18 months
And that article is very misleading .