To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Look I understand completely, my youngest son was almost 5 (he does have sen) and it was horrendous.
My son was petrified of having a poo on the potty or the toliet, it took a long time for the poo to be sorted after being good at weeing.

I also think boys are naturally harder to train and take a bit longer.
I think you and your son both need a break, have a few weeks of you are both burnt out and it's not doing anyone any good.
Pre school should not be judging anyone, they would have done this 100s of times and should be supporting you both.
Parenting is bloody hard and we should all be helping each other and not berating.

Like I said give it a few weeks esp as the weather will be getting warmer and start again like it's the first time with a freash pair of eyes.

Please don't feel bad and give yourself a break.

Just for all those worrying about nighttime. GP doesn’t care before 7 and even if you speak to them at that point they don’t seem worried.
Night is completely different and you can’t push this.

… I should have added that one of mine had constipation issues (probably due to withholding), which is why I popped them on the potty to watch TV, as they were distracted and therefore relaxed a bit. Also had to use lactulose.

I have not potty trained yet so have no advice to offer on that.

But honestly, the tone of your replies is that you see yourself as the victim, nothing you try is going to help, nobody understands you, the situation is hopeless, everyone hates you etc etc. Until you adjust your mindset its not going to get better.

Taking your child out of preschool is only going to hurt him. Socialisation is essential at that age. Rather than remove him from school, why not ask for help from the school? Explain your challenges - they might have advice or experience to share.

Isolating yourself and your child, rebuffing any offers of advice, and spiralling into a “poor me” state of mind is going make everything 100 times worse.

OP your self indulgent 'f-it, I'm pathetic/I'm terrible/add stupid to the list' etc etc are not helping anyone. And are making you look pretty childish tbh. Are you very young?
As many are saying, potty training takes more or less time for each child. Some will crack it before 3, others are almost 5. Get nursery on side, partner too if you have one. Work out a strategy for when you are at work.

OP take a break for your own sanity. You are not being ridiculous or lazy by going back to nappies for a couple of months. It will make zero difference in the long run.

Then don't mention it for awhile. When the weather gets better try again. Plan it. Take some time off work and don't make any plans other than to potty train. With my ds2 I took the May half term off work and did it then. Tell your child a few days before that there will be no more nappies during the day and nappies are for babies and he is a big boy now and doesn't need to wear them. Be matter of fact about everything, no drama. Tell him that wees and poos go in the potty or toilet. Don't get angry about accidents, but have him work with you to clean them up. They don't want to stop playing to go to the toilet but they soon learn that if they have to put their wet clothes in the washing machine and help you clean up puddles from the floor, it's quicker for them to just go to the potty.

Time it. So after every hour and sooner if transitioning from one activity to another. When he gets it right do a little clap and say well done isn't that much easier than having to clean up your clothes.

Stay at home for the first few days. When you feel like he might be able to cope with going out without an accident then do short trips to the park etc. Natural consequences he can understand, for example the quicker he gets it the quicker you can have friends over/go to the park etc.

I trained both my boys the summer after they turned 3. Was relatively easy. But the weather makes a huge difference to how you cope with all the washing and the hassle.

What if that comes too late to start school, OP?

Schools are absolutely in their rights to refuse to take a child who isn't fully toilet trained (unless there are ND/disability issues).

It can be really hard, as can sleep deprivation/behaviour/feeding and everything else - we don't get to opt out when it's challenging. It's easy to start feeling down heartened about things when they're not working but please try to remember that there are parents on this forum whose children are disabled who will never be self-sufficient - there is no end point/opt out for them.

Could your Mum help? Sibling or friend with kids? If you need a break you need to speak up but just giving up could be to DCs detriment.

I mean this kindly, but with having had a baby recently, is there any PND at play here? I ask because OP's brusque, perfunctory tone, catastrophising about peoples' presumed response to an untrained 3yo, and self-judgement are traits common in posters with depression. If that is in the equation, it won't be helping.

Back to the main topic, OP you clearly are not being lazy and have clearly put in more effort than many other parents who claim to have toilet trained children by this age.

Have the break. Toilet training over winter is hard. It becomes easier in the warmer months when you can be outside more and use the washing line.

My DS1 was born at the same point in the school year. We tried in the summer when he was 2.5 and it just didn't compute. I had a new baby and struggled enough with movement to do anything about it prior to that. We had a break and started again at 3. We did get there, but it was a lot more work than with DS2 who critically was self-motivated at 2.5. That was no virtue on my part.

DS1 didn't get his autism or dyspraxia diagnosis for another 5+ years. We were aware of speech delays at the time though. He'd also had food allergies and intolerances that affected his digestive system for years.

Why do you think SNs could be a factor?
Pre-school will be helpful if they are because a group setting can be helpful for some of the development strategies. If EHCPs are required down the line, professional support helps. It's not an easy world to navigate and even tougher to get through in isolation.

I favoured going straight to pants and toilets just like grown-ups. It just made more sense going straight to the real thing than adding in fake transitions to retrain from again.

Take the break, change strategy and be kind to yourself about it. Some children are just more work than others. You have time on your side. He's about 41m old... you have 18 more months before yR starts. Hopefully that gives some context on what proportion of time on his life so far is at play. He will get there on time and you clearly are working at it.

My daughter has regressed in potty training, shes 3.3yo too.
Lots of resistance of her end to get started but there's been a bout of illness lately which I think hasn't helped with our current situation. But anyway...
What got her started was books about potty training and reward stickers. The book about potty training we keep in the bathroom that she's reads on the potty. We did try last summer but it was a disaster but from halloween (she had spent some time hospital and had to revert to pull ups as she was on a drip) we have mostly stuck to pants. I took her into h&m and let her pick out her own pants which was also helpful. And then it became "let's keep marshell dry" or whatever character was on her pants. It was a lot of work, some kids are different. Using a toilet isn't a natural skill like walking, it's something that needs to be trained and every kids needs a different approach/different time frame.

Op you seem to think this is all down to you, it's not. All I see on this thread is it's a mother's job to toilet train otherwise you're a 'lazy' parent! His dad needs to step up, clean up after him etc. Maybe ds wouldn't find it so funny if dad was calling the shots? Anyway, leave it a few weeks to get your sanity back.

I really hope you're saying things you don't mean due to a childish reaction to being challenged here. For your DC's sake.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh Op but I really think if I knew you in real life and I heard you say something like that out loud I'd call SS. You clearly need support, guidance and a push to step up.

OP, I understand your frustration. My daughter is about the same age as your son (3.4 months) and she only started being dry /using the toilet in the last month. I was getting worried as I could see other children her age were "potty-trained" already. We could take her to the toilet, and she would pee, but she couldn't say in advance she wanted to go. We tried and stopped several times. I didn't want to spend my time cleaning floors and clothes. She is at nursery and now at pre-school and there was no issue with her being still in nappies. They didn't seem to be worried either, and never pushed us to "potty-train". Until one day a month ago, my daughter woke up and said "no nappy on today, I want panties". And there's been only a few accidents since.

So my advice is go back to nappies for a while, and wait until he tells you he's ready.

But you are doing your son a disservice by giving up just to make your life easier. At some point you have to get on with it. If he is not ready for it then fine, leave it but given his age, unless there is additional needs then there is no reason why he can't toilet train

And no I don't think I'm funny...I am being completely serious. As I say I have a son with a chronic bowel condition who is doubly incontinent so I have a fair amount of understanding in this area

Lastly if you think there is constipation then please get him to the GP ASAP for some Movicol

Thanks all. Even the horrible posts because in a weird way it’s quite freeing to see it. I definitely think we are best having a break from everything for a while. If he isn’t trained when he’s due to start school he doesn’t have to start school then. But hopefully he will be.

how long are you planning on leaving him or will you just see how it goes until he's 5/6/7 everything about your son seems exhausting to you.

Oh Go on. What about him seems exhausting?

Oh Go on. What about him seems exhausting?

This implies that children can only potty train if their parents work hard on it. Loads of them do it because they want to at ages from 2 to 4 usually. How many 5, 6 and 7 year olds do you know who haven’t got this sorted? Have they all got parents who worked out how to train them either at a ‘suitable’ early age or just in time for their 3rd or 4th birthday?

I didn't read all the replies you got but just wanted to reach out to you.
My DS is 3y1m and also nowhere near ready to potty train. I haven't even tried. He has no idea when he needs to pee or poo but does tell me the odd time to change his nappy now. So I'm calling it progress. I had comments from some people about potty training but try to ignore it.
Funnily enough, most people I've casually mentioned it to (cashier in Asda when buying him pants, for example) where completely on board and very reassuring that their boys were later potty training too and that it will happen in time. So now I just go by, I know DS best and I'll know when he's ready and then we'll crack it! (I hope so anyways!)
I'm starting to feel like potty training is the new sleep training and there's so much pressure to just get them out of nappies. They will all get there in their own time! (DS also sleeps in my bed and still wakes up once during the night for a breastfeed - it's what he needs and I'm fine with it!)
Anyways, I'm right here with you, our boys will get there in time! Don't put too much pressure on either of you. Just enjoy not having to worry about bringing a potty out and about everywhere for now! 😉

I would stop and try again in summer. At least then it will be easier to wash and dry everything.

I've no idea but you seem exasperated by looking after him. he may or may not have special needs but you don't know he needs to toilet tran himself because it stresses you ...it goes on, it just seems from are really struggling and unsupported and resigned to giving up.

It's not too old at all it's completely within the normal age range.

OP it may be worth getting him checked just to ensure there is no underlying reason with bowel/bladder or interception issues. I'd try not to stress about it if you can.

I thought the same. OP is throwing her toys out the pram like a stroppy teenager.
I can only deduce that she is either very young or just a bit immature.
Yes, she does need some help, to help this boy going through normal development.
OP I really hope you don't flounce like that in your workplace - you will end up getting sacked!