AIBU to ask how anyone affords to have children?

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DP and I are in our early 30s and people keep asking when we're going to have children, we're on the fence but we can't work out how anyone on our salaries can afford to have children. We're aware time is running out as it were (both my mum and nan hit perimenopause by 40 so aware that it's looming).
Am I missing something obvious?
My salary is roughly £1800 after tax, NI, pension and student loans. DP's is similar. Full time childcare for one child would ruin us financially at £400pw around here (and that would involve one of us working less hours to do pick ups as it closes at 6pm, so one salary would drop, the only way I could make it work would be to do 4 days work over 5 days).
We don't have £400pw spare after mortgage (£1300), bills, food and transport (£1500 if we cut to no eating out or buying lunches and really budget). The money we currently have spare per month (realistically this is a few hundred, but if we cut back to the bare bones as above it would be almost £800) is mostly eaten up in saving for small emergencies, holidays and events (e.g. The clutch went on the car recently, the washing machine needed repairing the next week, then it was MIL birthday the following week).
Benefits calculator (I never thought we would ever have to claim benefits) says we would be entitled to £18pw.
The best case scenario seems to be us being about £1000 short every month and having no spare money for any unexpected costs. We are trying to save at the moment but don't have enough to even get through mat leave.

So as not to drip feed:

• We have no parents or family living anywhere near us that could help with childcare, we had to move away from family for work and then further away again to be able to afford a house.
• 23 years left on the mortgage on a small 3 bed mid terrace in a relatively non expensive area.
• We have one second hand car that we own outright and share.

It is a very small 3 bed, but we couldn't even afford a 1 bed flat near work or near either of our parents. This is the cost in a cheaper commuting town, I dread to think what the mortgage repayments would be in a 'desirable' area!

It stays with you, too, growing up poor. It took me a long time to stop feeling like I wasn’t ‘good enough’, after years of being teased / bullied at school for being one of the only children whose family couldn’t afford for them to go on school trips etc. I have friends who talk about how glad they are to have learned (eg) to play an instrument as a child and how much stress relief they gain from it as an adult, and it’s like, mate, we didn’t always have food. There sure as heck wasn’t money for music lessons. There are so many experiences that people talk about, that my family just didn’t have. There was plenty of love, but when you haven’t eaten for two days because there is just no money, it’s not enough. Yes there’s food banks now, but you still need to be able to GET to them. Then there’s the resentment when you see friends being supported by their family in the early days of work, free housing in the family home, then help onto the property ladder etc, when the most your family can offer is a place to sleep on the floor of their overcrowded rental flat. Then the grandparents delighted to retire early and provide childcare, while your parents are working till they drop.

Sorry, rant over.

Thank you for your comment, I do wonder if some of the people commenting that 'you make do if you want kids' realise how hard growing up in poverty is.

But what if poverty would be the default for the average person in the uk and things would not get better (and instead get worse) . I am furious about this btw.

Does that mean average people don't have children. Postponing makes sense if things will get better but what if they don't. We are not young 20 somethings, we are in our early 30s! Our salaries would increase but the costs would continue to increase. Unless you have a game plan to beat inflation and falling living standards like inheritance or a significant career progression or some sort of new arrangement i.e. Your parent moves nearer to you and helps you with the child.

OP could you look into either of you trying to get a job at a childcare provider? I'm not talking about working in the actual nursery but working doing what you do now, just for a nursery. A relative of mine works at head office for a nursery chain and they get a substantial discount for their child. It wouldn't only result in lower fees but would solve the issue of pick ups.
Another option would be a term time job so you wouldn't be having to pay for childcare all year round.

I'm furious about it too, I feel like by the time we're in our early 30s we should be able to afford to have a couple of kids rather than be working out whether we can afford 1 baby if we live on rice and beans for 15 months.
Either the average salaries should be higher (admittedly we do both earn just under the average) or living costs should be less.
We don't have a game plan but have to believe it will get better.

I'll add this to the list of things to look into, thanks

Consider doing ten days in 9 rather than 5 days in 4. Both me and my partner do it and then each have every other Friday off to look after our daughter. So you just have one day off a fortnight but you only have to pay for 4 days nursery a week

@AllTheChaos I get it, it was like for us. My parents were pretty crap parents, unlike yours sound. My mother just wanted babies and so had five of us...she was so selfish because none of us had a good life.

It definitely stays with you - those feelings. Even now, in my 50's with a really good career (consultant) and with a partner who had a very different upbringing - solidly middle class with music lessons and sports...I still feel inadequate when he casually talks about his childhood and the piano and clarinet lessons on a Saturday morning, cricket after school....we never even got the chance to learn to swim.

Hi OP,
I know it is easy to feel helpless when you assess your situation against the goal you are trying to achieve - to be able to look after a child and afford your bills or at least to be able to afford to use a nursery and get your child to and from.

I know it is not as easy as saying "get a better job" but what I think at least one of you needs to do (preferably both) is get a different (not necessarily higher paying job). You have said that both of you have office days as well as work from home days. You have said that you can't choose your office days and that your office is an hour from home. This means that the combination of you and your partner in these particular jobs makes it almost impossible to afford childcare or even to access it - as you said you are not home by six.

Look for new jobs with an open mind - different might mean that you can then manage. Here are ideas that could help:

1. One of you gets a new job that is entirely work from home or if going into an office is required the office is local to your home and you know which day you have to go- so that this person can do drop offs and pick ups from nursery within nursery hours/partner needs to be available office day if long commute. You need jobs with certainty or where you control your flexibility/flexi time etc.
2. One of you gets a job that is evenings/weekends - Allowing you to care for your child between you.
3. One of you gets a job that works nights - allowing that person to drop off/pick up from nursery and sleep while child is at nursery. Even better if 2 of the nights are Fri/Sat when the other parent can have child while this parent sleeps. Night jobs often have a supplement on top of day shift rates and longer shifts so pay more.
4. Both get different jobs - one with an early start e.g. a 6am-2 shift and one with a later start e.g. a 9-5 so that one can drop off at nursery and one can pick up. This will also have you more or less covered for having a school child as well.
5. Investigate staying at home with your child and registering to childmind other children.
6. Look for a job in childcare that would offer a subsidised place for your own.
7. Is the IT person your partner/the male. Could they find anything that paid well if they were willing to work away/a rota/nights/abroad? I only ask about gender as I doubt a mum with a new baby would want to be separated from the child in the first year.

My husband is a part time teacher (Wed/Thurs/Fri) and I work three nights in care focused around the weekend and early part of the week. My children get the bus to school on a Wednesday to make my day easier to sleep. Before they were both in school I sometimes had to cope through Wednesday after a night shift if we didn't have Grandparent help. We could also have used a nursery for one day. Just because you both work in the way you do currently it doesn't mean that things have to stay that way - in fact it will be very difficult for you if you stay in your current jobs.

Just fyi op, if both of you want to continue working until 5.30, then nursery may be your best bet as the open for longer hours. Obv they are all different but both childminders I’ve had finished at 5pm. They started at 8 so already a long day and said they’d consider earlier starts but not later ones.

We left the U.K.!

I'm sorry you're struggling to see a way through this, you must feel like you've done everything 'right', steady jobs, house, nice partner etc, and it's just not falling into place for you.
I'm also in the 'it will work itself out camp', and I appreciate how annoying that sounds.
You have a roof over your heads, you have jobs, and your sensible enough to think this through properly, you're already in a better position than some.
We're in a different earnings bracket but we live in London so housing eats up any benefit that might provide. We didn't have time to overthink finances as baby was a complete unplanned surprise, not having enough money was very high up on my list of reasons not to have a baby. But here we are, and it is working out so far (we are holding our breath until baby starts school mind and nursery fees are over mind!).
I agree with the below poster to look into jobs with better flexibility. My partner is FT WFH and I'm NHS which offers some flexibility, we have baby in nursery 3 days which makes a huge difference to affordability. My parter does FT hours and I do 30, with bank shifts on a weekend to top up my pay. Partner also works one weekend per month to facilitate between us being able to care for baby the other 2 days per week.

That's interesting, we definitely need to look into it more then. Colleagues say all the nurseries around work close at 6, based on the comments on this thread suggesting a child minder, I was assuming childminders were more flexible /open later.

Thanks everyone for your comments, especially those that took the time to read all my posts before commenting, I do appreciate it.
DP and I are shelving the baby maths for the moment, we're both a bit sick of it being an almost daily conversation at home right now. We are both still a bit shaken by how badly the cost of living increases hit us, we've not long cleared the (relatively small) debt we incurred while panic adjusting our lifestyle to account for the higher mortgage, energy bills, food bills and insurances, which all hit us at once and at the same time as suddenly needing to commute again.
We're both in agreement that we can't afford a baby in our current circumstances and aren't willing to go into debt again.
We're going to focus on earning more money, economising and saving, and revisit it in a year or so (or sooner if one of us finds a different job). I'll be looking into the suggestions on here in the meantime though so thank you.

Interesting reading all the "it'll work out comments", but you know if OP had a baby, couldn't afford to cut her hours or to pay childcare the first thing she would get thrown at her would be "didn't you look at this before you got pregnant?!".

Overtime..loads and loads of overtime 😂😂

My DH is working 7 days a week atm. 5 days in one job then weekends doing evenings. Childcare around here is nonexistent and would wipe out my wage, so i will have to work nights soon to get around it 😭😭😭

I've worked nights before but permanently and full time so i know i can manage.

Its not so bad, as 3 nights its equivalent to full time wage. (12 hour shifts) so means whilst dodging childcare, i get all my wage and there for kids in day. (Maybe not first thing in morning though haha)

You just do what you gotta do 😂😂

Yeah some people would say that to her. The ones saying that are probably the ones who looked through it all with a fine tooth comb before conceiving.

But there'll be just as many people who had unplanned for babies who worried about how to afford it once already pregnant.

@Dacadactyl I didn't say it would be the same posters, just know the kinds of posters attracted to certain topics and how that can skew the thread. That's why people do reverses. Thread titles and points of view attract certain posters.

With things as they are, you need a completely different mindset to afford children. If you really want them , then it's worth making all sorts of adjustments. Some people would describe these as 'sacrifices' or 'not having a life' so you need to decide whether having children or being able to spend money as you please is the more important. Your financial situation will hopefully improve in the future, so would you you regret not making the effort to adjust in the shorter term?
From what you said, you have about £2300 'left' for food/clothes/utility bills/insurance/travel. It's tight but if you make 'saving up forMat Leave/Nursery your mission on in life, then you can do it. Especially if you get the rest of your family on board. You don't need to buy expensive presents for other adults – you could just send or make a card, or even write them an appreciative letter, or if you must have a 'thing' then some nice soap/supermarket bunch of flowers/small chocs.

Is it possible to get family on side about this and explain you need to cut back and stash some money away for the Mat Leave/Nursrery Days. Hopefully they will be happy to not be 'treated' as often by you,if this is the reason. But if you don't tell them,they can't be on side.
Even if you conceive tomorrow, you will not need nursery for at least 10months and hopefully longer, which gives you a bit of time to stash some cash. Treat every penny you save as making your family dream possible.

Visiting family: if you feel you have to treat them, instead of taking them out for lunch, take the food with you. Much cheaper and can be as much or aslittle extra work as you can bear.

e.g not much extra work: go to the deli and buy cooked meat,supermarket for bagged salads +other veg for making salads inc potato or pasta salad, buy a dessert or cake, take a bottle of wine of a soft drink e.g.elderflower cordial which you all like

or some extra work: buy a joint or a ham/chicken and cook it yourself to eat cold, make a cake/trifle/fruit pie or crumble/make salads and side dishes/buy french stick& chop up & spread with garlic paste & oil for cheaper garlic bread

Could you ask them to provide the food when you visit and you just take a cake?

Could they contribute to your petrol cost for some of the visits?

Can you host your family?: you said you have a spare room, so unless some particular problem e.g. with mobility/toileting needs, you maybe could. Even if the room isn't as posh as you'd like, if there's a bed and bedding it will suffice. They are coming to see you,not to be in a hotel.

Your home: you said you have a spare room. Although you will need this eventually for the child,probably not for a couple of years so you could get a lodger in the meantime. Could your wfh desks go in the box room,or at least one of them and the other in the living room?

Saving on energy costs: get a slow cooker. They are worth their weight in gold for cost saving and convenience, esp when you have kids or if you and your partner are working odd hours and not always eating at the same time. Are you leaving things on standby/lights on unnecessarily?It's only pennies, but it adds up. Could you take shorter showers?

Saving on casual spending: if money is really tight then eating out/coffees out/takeaways/beauty treatments/presents for friends & extended family/soft play & farm parks are just not possible (except maybe very occasionally) Same with impulse magazine buys (you can borrow magazines from many libraries) and any sort of impulse buy really. Do you really need new clothes or can you be imaginative with what you already own, e.g. use different scarves/jewellery or other accessories. Could you swap clothes with friends? All these are cheaper even than buying second hand, but this is also a good option as long as you stick to a budget.

Christmas/birthdays/Mothers' Day etc: we have all been conned into spending lots of money for these and we just don't need to. Especially if it ends up as you give your Aunty a box of chocs and she gives you a box of toffees/or if you feel there is a certain amount you have to spend. Actually getting together with family & friends is more valuable than just spending money.If you have to get a gift,have a budget limit/make them a cake/write a card or letter with good thoughts in it/offer a service e.g babysitting for family/making dinner at their house/cleaning/help with gardening/lending them tools.

When you have your children: find cheap or free things to do. Walking around your neighbourhood/ parks/watching anything 'happening'e.g. building site/trains going under bridges/anyone working (although ask to make sure it's OK)/postman emptying the postbox/shops getting deliveries esp barrels arriving at pubs/ for slightly older children noticing things in your neighbourhood e.g door knockers, counting lamp posts when on a walk/collecting stones, twigs, conkers/blowing dandelion clocks. You get the idea! You ca get books from the library with loads more ideas.

Saving on toys: buy second hand but also use what's in your house: cardboard boxes for dens/hiding/make into tunnels/ egg boxes and the packaging just for handling (& using as craft materials)/playing at the sink with a sieve, spoon, whisk, yoghurt pots for pouring.
Of course books from library. And singing – you don't have to be good your child isn'tamusic critic!Imaginative games: I used to set out an obstacle course of newspaper on floor as steping stones, a cahir to climb over, a stol or table to crawl under. This is cheaper than soft play.
Just a bus journey esp if it'sa necessary journey is endlessly interesting to small children, if you point out things they can see, let them hand over the money etc.

You're very sensible. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

@WithACatLikeTread

I didn't! Just plane fair and a job at the other end.