AIBU to ask how anyone affords to have children?

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DP and I are in our early 30s and people keep asking when we're going to have children, we're on the fence but we can't work out how anyone on our salaries can afford to have children. We're aware time is running out as it were (both my mum and nan hit perimenopause by 40 so aware that it's looming).
Am I missing something obvious?
My salary is roughly £1800 after tax, NI, pension and student loans. DP's is similar. Full time childcare for one child would ruin us financially at £400pw around here (and that would involve one of us working less hours to do pick ups as it closes at 6pm, so one salary would drop, the only way I could make it work would be to do 4 days work over 5 days).
We don't have £400pw spare after mortgage (£1300), bills, food and transport (£1500 if we cut to no eating out or buying lunches and really budget). The money we currently have spare per month (realistically this is a few hundred, but if we cut back to the bare bones as above it would be almost £800) is mostly eaten up in saving for small emergencies, holidays and events (e.g. The clutch went on the car recently, the washing machine needed repairing the next week, then it was MIL birthday the following week).
Benefits calculator (I never thought we would ever have to claim benefits) says we would be entitled to £18pw.
The best case scenario seems to be us being about £1000 short every month and having no spare money for any unexpected costs. We are trying to save at the moment but don't have enough to even get through mat leave.

So as not to drip feed:

• We have no parents or family living anywhere near us that could help with childcare, we had to move away from family for work and then further away again to be able to afford a house.
• 23 years left on the mortgage on a small 3 bed mid terrace in a relatively non expensive area.
• We have one second hand car that we own outright and share.

The main ‘flaw’ I see regarding your monthly expenses is the car. Can’t you coordinate days in the office with your DH so you can drive together? Or use public transport?
Could you move to somewhere closer to a train station so you wouldn’t need to drive + take a train? Or cycle to the station?

Another thing is your employment: it reads like both you and your DH are aware that you earn less than what you could but you are comfortable in your jobs and don’t want to change.
Why couldn’t you both work condensed hours in order to each have a day off during the week meaning only 3 days of childcare to fund?
Start now and until baby arrives you can earn money during your day off to fund your maternity leave.

These are our salaries - roughly and I am pregnant with our first. We want to be parents, we will make it work.

Monthly income is about £4000, give or take. Essential outgoings £2k - that’s bills, rent, food, insurance etc.

£2k left over to spend and save. I am aware of how much nursery fees cost. We are looking at childminders and hoping we will only need 2 or 3 days a week. The 30hrs funding should cover that mostly, but accept we might have to pay a few hundred pounds a month on top. Honestly, we’re just going to work around it. DM, my sister and MIL are all relatively near and would probably do half a day each a week. DH and I work opposing hours. We know DH salary should go up quite a lot in the future so not worried about that. I might even drop a day at work. Money isn’t everything.

I would say you need a cheaper house. I know £1300 on a 3 bed is probably standard, it’s not expensive for what it is for anyone saying that - interest rates are now 5% or more. Do you really need a 3 bed right now though OP? You could downsize for ten years or so while you have DC .

Standard where we live. I actually pay £87 per day.

Would you consider public sector for improved pay and conditions?

Just looking on the NHS Scotland website for example there are positions for HR trainees (ie no experience) at band 3 but HR assistants are Band 4 and HR officers Band 5/6 so up to £46k. You would then have much better maternity leave and flexibility.

I know you're looking for better paid work but you both sound underpaid/undervalued at the moment for your sectors.

We took in a lodger for a few months before we started to TTC. It was a guy in my office so I did know him and it always going to be temporary, he did stay longer than anticipated. But over those 10 months we got a healthy chunk of rent. I didn’t want a lodger once children were around. You are allowed to earn 7.5k per annum tax free. You just need very specific ground rules.

I very much agree with this. IF you do want them you can make life changes like moving somewhere cheaper, checking what benefits you can get, etc. But before you do that be sure of what you want. If you really want a child or children you will find a way but don't pressure yourself into anything. And do t let anyone else pressure you either.

Is going 4 long days an option for either of you?

I do think you make it work. I have 3 children; eldest I was a single 16yr old mum on benefits, I then went to Uni, got a decent job and had my 2nd child when I was in a relationship and 27, probably earning 50k between us. Low mortgage compared to now. 3rd child (in a small terrace house) when I was 31. I’m now single again and youngest is 16 but earning 63k ish. Still not well off but because I’m living in the SE but they’ve never wanted for anything. Dad has a good salary but I’ve bought their clothes, paid for their living costs etc. For sure the most expensive years are the first 5, as we had no family for 2&3 and we paid for nursery. We had 4 school years between them for that reason and handy now it’s Uni time as DS2 will finish before DD starts. Their dad is paying for their Uni, payback for me paying everything else, but I do pay towards food for ds2 and 90% of his food bill in the long holidays.

Thank you all for so many responses, lots of helpful things for us to look into.
I was working somewhere with better mat pay (6 months full pay, but clawed back after mat leave if you didn't return full time) but the pay was a lot less so I moved to my current role for the higher pay and less hours (still full time), I applied for so many jobs but haven't seen any NHS ones so will go look for those next. I didn't realise many places did better paternity pay, nobody we knows works anywhere with more than the 2 weeks.
We have been hit really badly by the cost of living in the last year or so. Our fixed rate mortgage ended and shot up and our fixed rate energy ended and shot up around the same time, our car insurance and home insurance both almost doubled without any claims (we do shop around), and the combination pushed our monthly outgoings from 'we live comfortably, save each month and could make some sacrifices to have a child' to worrying about how we would manage to stay afloat without any children (this was before I changed to my current job so we had a lot less coming in). It was a very stressful few months while we adjusted and we definitely don't want to make any huge financial decisions without being sure we can afford it. If we had enough money coming in that we could have a child and I give up work till they go to school, we would start TTC tonight, but DP's salary wouldn't allow that.
We don't get to choose our office or wfh days, it depends on business need. We have barely touched on the practical side of nursery - do we get one near the office or home. If near the office, on days we both wfh one of us would have to finish early as it's over an hour in rush hour traffic. If we choose one near home and we both end up in the office then one of us will have to leave early. I figured we go for one half way between the two but apparently that area is very expensive as it's in a 'nicer' area (no prices on the websites so the info could be wrong) and £80 a day already seems ridiculous (no offence to anyone working in childcare, sure it's worth every penny but it's a lot of money!).
Someone asked or commented about us being married - yes we are married (small no frills wedding before anyone accuses us of throwing an expensive wedding) but I had been calling him my partner for so long that I still do it automatically and then continued saying DP for consistency.

We both worked flexi hours around each other to minimise childcare costs. He practically never saw each other, which was tough, but it wasn't forever.

Childminder can be cheaper than nursery.

Cut back in quality of living a lot during the early years.

Move to a cheaper area.

Pursue a higher wage.

How often are you travelling to see your family at £50 a pop? I go several months without seeing mine, and that’s with children. Your food bill is really high - reduce your meat and cook veggie from scratch. Shop in Lidl. Nobody needs Netflix or restaurant meals. Put a dressing gown on over your clothes instead of turning on the heating.

Having babies didn’t cost me much with hand-me-downs, breastfeeding and used reusable nappies. I swapped jobs and worked random hours around my husband to avoid paying for childcare.

I earn a similar wage to you and so does my partner. The way we did it was buy a house that was not at the top of our budget so that we have breathing space for childcare, this meant moving an hour north of where we are from. If you are able and willing to do that, that might help. Also we use a childminder rather than a nursery as we found them cheaper. Also from September babies who are 9 months old will get 15 hours free childcare a week and from April this year two year olds will do too or it might be 30 hours can’t remember. Have you factored this in? You do feel very poor but once they hit 3 years old it feels like youve won the lottery when the 30 hours free childcare kicks in, however will be younger now. Also from birth you get 20 percent of childcare fees paid if eligible which you would be on those wages plus about 94 quid a month child benefit aslong as no partner earns individually more than 60 grand - was 50k but the government changed it in the budget yesterday

It's my parents in one direction, my sibling in another, his parents in another direction and his siblings in another area again.

We try to visit each around their birthdays and around Christmas, and both mums for mothers day. I would say we end up visiting parents 4ish times a year and siblings 3ish times a year each but sometimes the siblings will coordinate at parents (eg for mother's day) if schedules allow. We also try to visit our home friends in each area once or twice a year. This adds up to 2 long round trips a month on average, so a third of our petrol bill. They rarely come to us as we don't have space to host so it's a bit cramped when they do come.
The rest of the petrol is commuting, food shopping, the odd day out (we do 'free' things like the beach or walks in the woods with a packed lunch but of course it still uses petrol).
We don't eat meat at all, we cook veggie meals from scratch. We shop in Aldi but have to get toiletries/laundry stuff/washing up liquid etc in Tesco due to skin sensitivities.
We don't have Netflix or any other TV subscription or even a TV licence - TV was the first thing we cancelled when the cost of living crisis hit us hard. I did post the budget breakdown above but didn't list all the things we had already cancelled.

Our house wasn't at the top of our budget when we bought it, and it's already an hour or more from work with traffic. We moved to a cheaper area due to house prices.
We're in Wales so the funded childcare hours are different, but hopefully Wales brings something similar in soon.

Will your parents help? I'm in my late 50s and would rearrange my own finances and priorities to help my kids, particularly if they are doing all you can to help themselves like you are. I'm actually really upset and appalled by your predicament, I've been thinking about you all day. I have friends of similar age to me who reduce their work hours to stay over at their children's houses 2 nights per week to look after grandchildren who live at a distance. When I had my kids 18 years ago it was a squeeze - my DP and I worked opposite days - we both did 4 long days - there was only one day a week that we both worked - but he has a job he can do at weekends, unlike you and your DH work office hours. I hope you find a way OP.

One side of the family would if they had the money. The other side of the family suggested we ride out this expensive cost of living period and start trying to conceive in a few years (we are only early 30s).
Of our friends that are in similar financial situations, some have family help with finances and/or childcare so are having/plan to have a child soon, and others have decided they can't afford it or aren't willing to make the lifestyle sacrifices to afford it so aren't having children or aren't having them anytime soon anyway.
We're not absolutely desperate for a baby right now, but comments from colleagues, siblings and most recently the nurse at my smear test about the biological clock ticking have us trying to plan when we could afford to start a family.

A lot of comments recommending a childminder, is there a reputable directory of childminders? Have had a Google and can't find much.
I asked around in work today, off the back of the comments on here last night, and the general consensus was that there aren't many childminders around and a baby would be safer and better socialised in a nursery, and a lot of justifying the cost of nursery - it includes food and snacks and milk etc etc

One other thing I’d think about is what your potential for payrise/promotions looks like. When I look back my net pay now is double what it was pre kids (10 years ago) and even with inflation that’s still a significant increase that’s making things more affordable. If you could drop to interest only for a short while on mortgage and do some saving up now that will all help and it might only be temporary. Depends what scope you have to improve pay short-mid term.
I do also think if you are at all ambivalent you are maybe better waiting though. I’m pretty sure most of us could be happy and fulfilled both with and without kids so don’t feel like you have to rush a decision in case you run out of time and it’ll ruin your life. If you aren’t sure it’s not likely to feel like a disaster if it never happens.

Childminders are OFSTED'D so check their reports on the OFSTED website.

You can get a list of childminders from your Council's Family Information Service.

The best way to find a childminder is to go to a whole raft of playgroups and see if theres one you like.

I was a SAHM and saw tons of childminders at groups....I'd have only been happy leaving my child with one of them. But I wouldn't have used a nursery either.

Thanks I'll look into it.
I never thought we would use a nursery either tbh (no offence to people that do), I always envisioned being a SAHM for a few years as that was what we experienced as children. I naively pictured carefree days taking the toddler to visit my parents and my inlaws and to the beach. But mumsnet has spoken and I should ditch the car and stop spending so much on petrol and move further away and have a smaller house.

Well there’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM if you can afford it (and you’re ok with having the career break and no money going into your pension).

We found 1 childminder on Childcare.co.uk and 1 via a local FB group.

Childminding really depends on luck IME. Some are good, some are not. Sadly, we had 2 bad experiences and then switched to nursery, which has been far better and worth the cost. We’re sending DC2 straight to nursery based on this.

I find this post really sad tbh. It basically says ‘have no life if you want kids’. And realistically you need to put the heating on if you have a baby.

@BeardieWeirdie

I agree with @MariaVT65, what's the point of having a child if you've going to live such a miserable, shit life.

I'm pregnant and luckily I won't be living like that, but I did what looks like the best route - I left the UK.

Which you need plenty of money to do.

Put a dressing gown over your clothes instead of putting on your heating? Yeh because that's a great idea in the middle of winter, you've solved everyone's energy bill problems there 🙄 Some of these suggestions sound utterly miserable I'm sorry.