Page 7 | To think DH should have come straight home today?

Tandora · 07/03/2024 18:17

Pointshopgirl · 07/03/2024 17:51

I’m with this poster I’m afraid and I think you’re being unreasonable like the majority have voted.

It’s Mother’s Day this week and his Mum is away on Sunday - he wants to see his Mum briefly on his way back and give her a gift in person so that she feels loved and appreciated- let it go.

I don’t see how an extra hour or two without him is a massive problem. You’re being really selfish.

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It’s Mother’s Day this week…You’re being really selfish

so now even Mother’s Day itself is being used as a stick to beat exhausted and struggling mothers. How ironic..

TeaKitten · 07/03/2024 18:18

rainbowsunsgold · 07/03/2024 18:16

I know he’s been away with work. I said ‘he’s been away with work.’

I know he’s been visiting his mum. I said ‘he’s gone to give his mum a Mother’s Day card.’

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You are turning into a seriously unpleasant poster.

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/03/2024 18:20

Trust me he is not.

To me that’s much more of a problem than him coming home late - a fully competent adult should be able to sort the house ready for the following day. What would happen if you needed to be away and leave him with the kids.

ColleenDonaghy · 07/03/2024 18:20

rainbowsunsgold · 07/03/2024 18:17

Trust me he is not.

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Sounds like a much bigger problem than these few days OP. Time for a chat when you're feeling up to it?

shieldmaiden7 · 07/03/2024 18:21

I would be annoyed too but on the flip side if he gets it out the way now he can be around to help for the rest of the evening/week.

Hope little one is ok OP

Appleass · 07/03/2024 18:23

Can't you cope with you're baby ?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 07/03/2024 18:24

I'm struggling to see why so many adults put so much emphasis on days like Mother's Day.
It doesn't matter that sue, fran or sally would have managed perfectly well on their own, and made the Christmas cake ready for December to boot..... op could have done with the support from her partner, and children's father. It should at least have been a conversation, not an assumption or foregone conclusion.

I've just had the most difficult baby known to man and if DH had been away with work and I was expecting him back at x time, my goodness I'd have been counting down to x time waiting for him to walk through the door and give me some sanity back.

Yes, single parents do it, my mum was one and I saw how relentless it could be but op isn't a single parent and when you're in the throes of a tough stint, you do cling on to what support is supposed to be there, and inevitably feel disappointment when the goal posts change, no matter how silly it seems to an outsider.

Get them kiddos to bed OP, get a glass of wine or a bar of chocolate and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and illness free.

Icantbedoingwithit · 07/03/2024 18:24

So I’m frantically doing everything in the 730-1030 shift

I thought everything was done and dusted by 8.30 and there was nothing for him to do when he gets home?

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 07/03/2024 18:27

So you're being told YABU because he's not off partying or whatever...

So now you start slinging out "he's just a shit dad really" to gain support because that's the crap MNers love

BigAnne · 07/03/2024 18:30

rainbowsunsgold · 07/03/2024 16:18

DH was working away Tuesday and yesterday and today would have been home for half five but he’s gone to give his mum a Mother’s Day present. Normally it wouldn’t have been a problem but we have an ill and very clingy baby and I feel like he should have come straight back to help. AIBU? (She’s away Sunday.)

Are you on good terms with your MIL

Simplelobsterhat · 07/03/2024 18:30

I'm amazed at some of the posts and the lack of sympathy you are getting on here OP. Well actually, I shouldn't be, as the Mumsnet competitive coping seems to have kicked in again. So many posters who have no sympathy for anyone who ever found any aspect of parenting hard or expect any help at all from anyone, even the father of their children.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a break after solo parenting 2 young children, one of whom is ill, and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a parent to prioritise seeing their children over their mother after being away from them for a few days.

Your mother in law is old enough to suck up a mother's day gift ending up being a bit late, especially as she is the one not free on Sunday.

Did he ask you if it would be convenient for him to see his mum or did he just tell you? To me, it should only be assumed you are looking after the children at pre agreed times like when the other is at work or a regular commitment. For all other times you have a conversation to check it's ok / convenient with the other parent, as what if they had been also been making plans for that time without asking you either? I don't see why it's a matter of the parent who is at home with the kids in the day becoming default parent for the whole evening too without checking.

Original poster

rainbowsunsgold · 07/03/2024 18:31

No intention to be unpleasant but I genuinely can’t see the point of repeating information I’ve provided back at me.

@Icantbedoingwithit

Children asleep. Other stuff DH would help with but I’d have to tell him what to do anyway and it’s easier to do it myself.

@Appleass

I find it interesting I’m the one accused of being unpleasant when I’m on the receiving end of comments like that (and it’s ‘your.’)

OP posts:

Basilthymerosemary · 07/03/2024 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SpeedyDrama · 07/03/2024 18:32

@rainbowsunsgold I get you. He had the option of being a parent an he opted out for something that could have waited. I can see that you’re ’default parent’ and it’s hard going. You’re perfectly entitled to feel frustrated, and wanting him to make an active choice to be there when it matters without having to be told.

I’m a single parent now, having a very tough time with one of my sen kids. Their dad is currently available to have the kids but I have to ask and then he makes out he’s done me a favour by ‘helping’. Drives me spare.

mqkm · 07/03/2024 18:32

YANBU
I totally agree with your concern.

He should be home helping you with a baby.
He could’ve just sent his mum flowers with chocolate and card, and visit her as soon as your baby is better.
You and baby should be his priority number one now and not his mum!

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 07/03/2024 18:34

Children asleep. Other stuff DH would help with but I’d have to tell him what to do anyway and it’s easier to do it myself

If he's so useless, does his presence really make all that much difference?

Simplelobsterhat · 07/03/2024 18:34

Milkand2sugarsplease · 07/03/2024 18:24

I'm struggling to see why so many adults put so much emphasis on days like Mother's Day.
It doesn't matter that sue, fran or sally would have managed perfectly well on their own, and made the Christmas cake ready for December to boot..... op could have done with the support from her partner, and children's father. It should at least have been a conversation, not an assumption or foregone conclusion.

I've just had the most difficult baby known to man and if DH had been away with work and I was expecting him back at x time, my goodness I'd have been counting down to x time waiting for him to walk through the door and give me some sanity back.

Yes, single parents do it, my mum was one and I saw how relentless it could be but op isn't a single parent and when you're in the throes of a tough stint, you do cling on to what support is supposed to be there, and inevitably feel disappointment when the goal posts change, no matter how silly it seems to an outsider.

Get them kiddos to bed OP, get a glass of wine or a bar of chocolate and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and illness free.

And yes, agree strongly with this. When I had 'difficult' babies I would be counting the hours to DH coming home some days. If it was after 3 days of solo parenting, I would have been so upset if he suddenly wasn't coming home when I'd expected.

MsVestibule · 07/03/2024 18:35

Yes, it's Mother's Day soon, but in those circumstances, I would far rather my son phone and say 'look, I'm really sorry, I've been away, I forgot to post your card, I could bring it tonight but my wife has been holding it all together with a sick baby while I've been away so I'd like to just go straight home and take over bed time if that's OK'. His mum knows she hasn't been forgotten about, his wife feels as though her husband cares about her.

If I'd been away on business knowing DH was home with a sick baby, I'd do everything I could to get home as soon as I could without jeopardising my work.

Icantbedoingwithit · 07/03/2024 18:37

You make him out to be completely useless and inept. Can’t see what you’re missing out on to be honest by him going to his mothers for a couple of hours..

ManchesterLu · 07/03/2024 18:38

rainbowsunsgold · 07/03/2024 16:35

I know but that’s the thing. I’ve been on 24/7 for three days and I really am exhausted and needing a bit of a break. By the time he comes home the children. Will be in bed.

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So surely you get a break when the children are in bed, no?

It's a shitty situation when a child is unwell, but things have to be done, and his mother doesn't just cease to exist when times are hard.

saraclara · 07/03/2024 18:39

rainbowsunsgold · 07/03/2024 17:33

It feels like we / I are bottom of the list after work and his own family I guess.

Oh stop being so dramatic.

It's 2.5 hours, and the only time he can see his mum to give her the once a year mothers day present. If my DH didn't bother seeing his mum briefly and giving her gift, I'd take that as a bit of a red flag regarding how he saw family and his mother.

Also, him doing this means you're free on Sunday and don't need to make the trip to see her. That's a win, surely?

SpeedyDrama · 07/03/2024 18:41

ManchesterLu · 07/03/2024 18:38

So surely you get a break when the children are in bed, no?

It's a shitty situation when a child is unwell, but things have to be done, and his mother doesn't just cease to exist when times are hard.

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But apparently his children do cease to exists when times are hard. ‘Things have to be done’ extends to both parents when a child is ill.

MsVestibule · 07/03/2024 18:41

OP, I'm sorry you've had so many unpleasant comments when you're clearly having a difficult few days. It's OK to disagree with you, but the personal attacks and name calling are horrible to read even when they're not directed at me.

I really hope your baby is better soon and you get a bit of rest at the weekend.

Katela18 · 07/03/2024 18:41

DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby · 07/03/2024 16:41

My husband frequently works away, so I understand how difficult it can be. But I think you’re being (maybe understandably) unreasonable. I totally get you hoping for a break/reinforcements, but I don’t think he’s down anything wrong.

Im in this position too, husband works away most weeks.

I think YABU but I do understand it. When you have it in your head they will be home and your break is imminent and then that changes it's disappointing.

But really, he's not being unreasonable. He can't see his mum on Sunday so he's gone today. It makes sense and you'll be fine for a few more hours. But I do get it.

BetterWithPockets · 07/03/2024 18:41

rainbowsunsgold · 07/03/2024 17:33

It feels like we / I are bottom of the list after work and his own family I guess.

FWIW, I think if you’d said this in your OP, you might have got more sympathetic responses (not agreeing with the harsher ones, BTW): it’s not so much you vs his DM, but you feeling a bit unloved and uncared for… (and most of us have felt under-appreciated at one point or another!)
In terms of you vs your MIL, I can see both sides, TBH — but I do think it’s easy to forget how exhausting it can be looking after a sick baby on your own with no support, and perhaps some PP suggesting you just need to suck it up have forgotten how draining it can be.
I hope your LO is soon well.