Would you like to be an 'old fashioned' housewife?

[SloaneStreetVandal]

Or a househusband (though we're mainly women on here). And I suspect that most men would say no...

I was reading the ultra processed foods thread, and it struck me (as it often does) that working families are so pushed for time in this era that preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner from scratch is nigh on impossible (and that is the basic premise of what a UPF is; its something you couldnt prepare in your own kitchen). I'm not talking about removing that opportunity, nor harking back to bygone days when a woman's 'place' was in the home (though I think that, whilst women's rights have thankfully progressed massively in the work place, they've not progressed so much in the home/society at large; some bygone views/expectations of women persist. I think, for example, running the house and organising children are still largely female pursuits...). It strikes me that having the 'healthy' ideal lifestyle of cooking from scratch, exercising and spending quality time raising children is a pipe dream when both parents have no choice but to work full time.

I know its complex, and theres a bigger picture (interested to hear thoughts thereof too). I'm just curious (I'm not a researcher! Genuinely just interested) to hear honest takes (few women would be happy to publicly admit in RL that 'running the home', whilst their husband earned, would be their preferred choice to working). Do you think the opportunity for one parent to be at home full time should be a choice available to us all (as it once, generally, was)?

YABU - I want to work, its not just necessity.
YANBU - I'd prefer to be at home, running the show full time.

Yes, a million times.
I went back to work part time when my son was just 5 months old and it nearly killed me. I was so envious of the other mums at the parenting groups who didn't work. When l wasn't at work l was always out and about with my son, I have such lovely memories. Work was just a massive inconvenience and l remember going on trips to the farm and then having to rush off to work, whilst my friends could just sit around having a coffee.
I can't understand women who say they are bored at home, you don't have to spend every minute cleaning and cooking, why can't you just enjoy your children? I think women who are bored at home are the types that never go anywhere or do anything, couch potatoes.

@Flatandhappy I agree, but I expect / hope that current generations of women who hoped to "have it all" but ended up "doing it all" will ensure their daughters don't fall into the same trap

I haven't worked since my kids were at primary school and they're adults now, although I've done voluntary. My parents are now elderly and being an only child I need to be around for them. Would love to find something part time though as can't see dh wanting to retire any time soon.

Being a SAHM is probably lovely if -

you're in a happy marriage
your DH is in stable employment
you have equal access to money
you have lots of friends around

My Mum fully intended to return to work, but didn't because she was having so much fun

But, in the past, many women were trapped in abusive relationships because they couldn't afford to leave. We should never forget that

God no, I can't think of anything worse.

My mum was a housewife/SAHP and she regrets it bitterly now. She is an intelligent, talented woman with so much to contribute to the world, and she feels that she wasted her potential. She was so bored and unfulfilled, but by the time she realised that she wanted more, she had lost her confidence.

I don't judge anyone else for doing what's right for them. If it works for you and your family, then that's all that matters. Personally, I want much more from life than that kind of lifestyle can offer, so it wouldn't suit me at all.

I've only been pt time since my kids were born (stayed home until they were in school) and cooked from scratch, but I would be bored without working at all

I was a SAHM until the DC reached secondary school. I loved it and so did they. Now they are adults they tell me how much they loved coming home after school and playing, not being in afterschool club or at childminders like so many friends. We had time to bake, do crafts, go swimming or to the playground, have play dates and all sorts of other things. I studied and did some very part time freelance work as well as voluntary work. Then I was in a good position to start my business which is thriving.

DH is retired now and does far more housework than I do.

The idea is great! I love to bake, I like to cook, I love to walk. In real life I'd be bored shitless. I had 3 months garden leave over lockdown between jobs and I nearly went doolally. MY job gets me down but it's better than being idle!

Yeah I think it’s great for a couple of months, and then the lack of money, options, and boredom kicks in. Ideally longer leaves would be easier to take!

My mother was a SAHM/housewife. She also spent much of her time over the past several years helping an elderly parent (and sometimes a PIL) with appointments, meals, etc. Not an antidepressant in sight!

I was a housewife, but I now work PT with my self-employed DH. The amount of work I do for our business has increased significantly over the past few years. I'm happy to be contributing financially, but the house and garden aren't kept up to the same standards, now that I'm working. We (mostly 'I', as I'm working fewer hours) do what has to be done to maintain a pleasant home environment, but there's been an undeniable shift. Some of that is probably also due to other factors, but certainly I feel less motivated to put in as much effort when much of my time and brain power is diverted to the job. There's a trade-off. I'd like to have my previous time and energy back, but I don't wish to sacrifice the money I'm bringing in. At least I now have an easier answer (that doesn't make me feel as self-conscious) when people ask 'what I do'!

I am and have been for 20 years, not "traditional" though, it always worked for both myself and husband and was a choice.🙂

If I had lots on money there is no way I would work.

Erm, just because someone isn't in paid employment doesn't mean cooking and cleaning would be their sole identity 🤣

So it's ok for someone else to do your boring work for you? Got it

She's not asking someone to do it for free.
Is it ok to give someone employment? Yes. Of course it is.

Idle?

I don't think many busy sahms would agree, and I certainly don't

Being a traditional SAHM is my worst nightmare as I want no part of child-rearing and as little part of cleaning/housekeeping as possible.

I'm also very glad I have the opportunity to work, especially in an industry I'm passionate about, and build up my financial independence. Being financially dependent on anyone would feel like jumping out of a plane with no parachute to me.

At the same time I do think capitalism has done a number on us, if we think the only other option for fulfilment is through work (especially if you work for someone else). I don't think hard work is a virtue in and of itself. I'm lucky enough to be in a career and a role that I'm fulfilled by and that tallies with my interests, but I'm not so naive to think that's the norm. The fetishisation of a hard work ethic has come at the expense of work-life balance and sense of community for too many.

Leisure has almost become a dirty word but to me it's synonymous with freedom and that's the point of the one life we have. More power to the SAHPs who are living the life they genuinely want to live, I guess.

And I truly don't understand all the "what do you DO all day" faux-surprise. If I didn't work I could fill every day 100 times over, and not with bloody cleaning nerdery like Mrs Hinch. There are so many books to read, films to watch, music to hear, things to learn. I'd be able to really devote time to fighting for causes I believe in rather than fitting it in around work. There's SO MUCH to do and see in this world. Given the time and money I cannot believe anyone would ever be bored.

The results of your vote are really interesting! You might find some alignment with the campaign group MAHM, OP. I do too, although they are too socially conservative and not sufficiently inclusive for it all to chime with me.

I hate not being able to be at home, keeping on top of things. It's a shit show

I really like earning my own money and wouldn't want to be dependent on someone else for that.

I understand the appeal of keeping the home and raising the kids, but I couldn't sacrifice my financial freedom.

There's a lot to be said for it and a lot of the problems we face now would or could be solved by having an adult in each household dedicated to the welfare of the home and everyone in it.

Personally I wouldn't give up my current work to do it, it's too well rewarded and would not sense, and will in fact afford my DH to be SAHP for the early years.

Not for me, I need the fulfilment of work, though would volunteer if I could afford to. The women in my life have always worked as they have had to due to economic factors so the idea of a stay at home Mum is quite alien to me. I wanted to make sure I got an education and a profession so that I could do a fulfilling job. I found times when I wasn’t workingquite hard psychologically and feel much better when working. I was relieved to get back to work after maternity leave. Like everything in life we all individuals and have different psychological needs andmotivations in life.

Yet there's loads of threads on here with women washing the kitchen floor and hoovering multiple times a day, deep cleaning the loo daily and the whole house twice a week and they all seem very keen on washing their duvets a lot too.

On the flip side my mum was a stay at home mum until my sibling and I went to secondary school. She was the best, just amazing. And she did enjoy it. But I know she found returning to work very difficult. She had to do jobs far below her experience and skill level and I know she really loved her career days in the city.

My ideal would be both of us working part time and taking care of DC part time. Financially not viable. Would like to have more time with DC but know I would be full of resentment if I gave up my career completely.