That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

Not a chance I would provide money .
This is not about the other parents self esteem.
I believe it’s that they want the life they previously had and are envious .
if they couldn’t afford the two kids they had two days a week then why have more .

If you pay money I’d bet it would not get spent on the kids . Plenty females out there like that and no doubt men too.

I am not saying what is best. But forget about what is fair and instead think about what is best for the kids.

The NRP just wants your money. Give them the sum total of fuck all.

If you are doing nice things with your children then it won't harm them in any way to do free things when they visit their other parent 4 days a month.

A lot of people are assuming the ex is the father, when they might actually be the mother who is only working part-time because of the new baby. It doesn't change their responsibility regarding the children, but it might explain the lack of money in the other home.

Fuck that.

“I’m very happy to start claiming the maintenance I’m entitled to through CMS and then transfer that back to him every month, although I do think it’s easier that he just accepts that I am covering significantly more of the cost of looking after our children than he is or that I am legally required to, and that he takes responsibility for his own position.”

”His self esteem is no longer my issue. I can’t control what job he does, how many hours he works, how much he earns or how he spends his money. Or how many other children he has. Therefore I cannot be held accountable for his self esteem.” - also, assuming you are a woman and be a man, I would question whether they would be suggesting the same if the sexes were reversed as I don’t think they would ever suggest a man should be responsible for a woman’s self esteem after divorce.

Op has made clear the nrp wants money for activities and there is no suggestion the kids are cold or hungry when there. It is not the ops responsibility to ensure the kids have a good time at nrp - it is the nrps. And that should not be dependent on money.

its also clear that nrp wants cash so the likelihood of them wanting to spend it on activities is slim. As pp said, if you start giving them cash and the kids come home saying they did nothing it will impact your self esteem because you will feel like a total idiot

This is not a therapists domain. Tell nrp that if they want to discuss finances then it goes to financial mediation where both parties disclose their circumstances

I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.

Maybe I'm a petty bitch but I'd be talking about reviewing this choice.

If you drop food off or offer tickets and it's turned down only other choice is money and frankly I'd rather not just hand that over.

This. I would make sure they have food and clothes etc but anything else is up to NRP to cover. Not your fault they don't have a lot of money and won't hurt your kids not to be entertained with expensive treats all the time

Your ex simply would like a better lifestyle at your expense and he/she has managed to pull the feel sorry for me card on said professional.

I wouldn’t be railroaded You are doing more than you need too.

I am astonished that a therapist - especially one appointed by a court - should stray into lecturing one parent about financial matters that have already been decided by the court. It is highly unprofessional and none of their business. I'd be inclined to make a complaint against them.

This is a very fair and measured response.

DC are with you 12 nights out of 14, yet some agency is expecting you to subsidise your EX's lifestyle while they work part-time? Sounds bonkers to me.

NRP is being ridiculous and petty. If s/he really cared about having nice experiences with the kids, they'd either accept your generous offers of tickets, save up, or use a little imagination and do something fun that doesn't cost much. I'd lose respect for the therapist and take anything else they recommend with a grain of salt.

He can work more hours. He apparently chooses not to. Being able to provide treats for his children from his own earnings would do far more for his "self-esteem" than holding his hand out to his ex.

If there was a fair settlement at the time of divorce, then a clean break is best and there shouldn’t need to be any extra support from you. However, the nrp may feel that they sacrificed their career/supported yours while you were together, and it’s that reason that they are a low earner now. I understand a reluctance to just hand over extra money, but purchasing tickets for events that you have chosen may be perceived to be controlling. Maybe there is a middle ground? Where the children can discuss activities that they would like to do with the nrp and then the children can be allocated a budget to spend with the nrp?

I think I would go back to the therapist and say you have offered tickets/swimming etc and get no response. And also exactly that the therapist thinks you should be offering... I think the response will be eye opening.

I think "she's" a grabby git. I think the OP is male (not sure though).

OP, it's a difficult one as you obviously want to do best for your DC, but ultimately your DC isn't your responsibility while in the other parents care.
I'm sure your ex didn't ask your say in introducing a new partner, then baby into your child's life etc because their life is separate to yours. In regards to this it's effectively the same. It is the other parents responsibility, not yours. Just make sure your child is happy with you - it's all you can do (otherwise lets be honest you're subsidizing their other child too).

Therapist says it's a matter of NRP self esteem and needing to have some say.

That’s a very different twist. I would probably laugh at this tbh, their self esteem will be mush better served by getting off their arse and doing something for their children than getting handouts from their ex. Then maybe say something along the lines of you attending this for the benefit of the children but that you find it disrespectful and unprofessional for them to try to pretend your ex’s self-esteem is in any way your responsibility.

If the NRP would like the financial settlement looked at again, they should do this through an application to the court. It shouldn't come via a therapist who presumably lacks legal qualifications. That's really inappropriate.

This.
I imagine that NRP will eventually now say things along the lines of, "Well, you should give me X, so I can do Y with the DC. You have to, the therapist told you."

Personally, I wouldn't give them any money, but if they do try anything along the above then I'd respond with, "Well, free feel to take me back to court to let the judge decide if I should give you money for 4 days a month." I'd then be super petty and put in a CMS claim.

Therapist says it's a matter of NRP self esteem and needing to have some say. - so nothing to do with the best interest of the children then!

Lots of children don’t get to do fun things and that’s absolutely fine. Your children get to do the fun things with you during the majority of the time so they’re not really missing out (we don’t do treat things every weekend. We’ll maybe do things that cost mom ey a couple of times a month max).

To recap, 1) you pay for all child related activities even those taking place during NRP contact time 2) you offer and buy tickets but NRP refuses these 3) you send DC with their own money during contact time 4) NRP works but won’t say how much 5) NRP has a new child (do they have a partner? Do they work?) 6) you took food to the NRP when they were struggling and this was seen as controlling.

Unless there is a hugely incredible back story, you are in no way being unreasonable and do not pay anything else!

(Also, what’s “part-full time”?!)

Change therapist. Your therapist is going in gaslighting territory. Are you paying for this s
Hmm jhit?

Do not give the non resident parent money. it's complete cheeky! Especially when they've went on to have more children and can't pay for those they have.

id ditch the therapist too.