That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

It’s a bit messed up that the message they are giving their kid is that they need money to have a good time with them

If the parents are separated either parent can claim chuld benefit as long as they are not over the threshold and there is agreement with the other parent iver who gets the payment. Only one parent can claim so it made sense for my ex to get the £80 odd quid a month as I couldn't claim it being a high earner.

Would be helpful if OP would answer the question about Child Benefit as if not being claimed by OP it sounds like the NRP could claim it and then the issue would resolve itself - 2 children would give the NRP nearly £200 a month, plus the CB for their latest child (unless their new partner is over the new £60k threshold).

If you buy tickets that are later refused, then they either want money that can be spent on anything or want to imply that the money they are spending comes from them not you.

I think you are trying as best you can e.g. booking the activities.

I can understand why you don't want to hand over a wad of cash as your children still might not do any paid for activities so I think your approach has been fair enough. Perhaps just tell the other parent if they want to do something with the kids (on occasion) you will book it up to x amount but that you won't give them money if they have no plans. There are plenty of families that can't afford to be out at the cinema etc. Unless they get up early to take them to the kids morning showing or find an offer it will cost loads for 5+ people. If they don't earn enough to take all the family to the cinema then they won't be the only ones.

If you have the DC 12 nights out of 14 and you pay for all uniforms, clothing, haircuts, toiletries, activities I can't really see what NRP needs to pay for. You say they can afford heating and eating but only work part time. Surely the answer is to increase the hours they work. As it is you are not asking the NRP to pay any maintenance for their child. I'd be pointing that out to the therapist. Also if NRP could not afford 1 DC they should have thought a bit more carefully before having a second DC. I suspect the NRP just wants funds to do 'nice things' with both their DC as it seems their other DC never gets to do 'nice things' and they want both their DC to have similar experiences in life. If that's the case it's up to the other DC's to step up and earn more to spend on both their DC. Next the therapist will be telling you it wouldn't be fair for you to leave money to your DC in your will because NRP's other DC will feel left out and have less than their siblings. I'd be furious in your shoes. I'd speak to this family therapist and point out the financial settlement was agreed by the court and the NRP was happy with it at the time. Unless they are disabled they should increase their work hours.

the kids are only there 2 nights every two weeks? Do they really need cinema/swimming/theatre etc that weekend. NRP can take them to parks, library, playgrounds and other low cost activities. As long as they are fed enough I don’t see why you should provide extra funds.

If anything, the NRP should be paying you.

They take their own money yes 👍🏻 so can buy things they might fancy eg ice cream
If out & about etc

Based on everything you’ve said it honestly feels like NRP is just after money.

You already take the lions share of the financial burden of raising children, with no CMS despite it being VERY far from 50/50.

I would continue to offer the occasional cinema ticket or swimming pass etc by way of email a few days / week before “DC said they’d like to see X at the cinema but if you want to take them I’ll give them the money for tickets and treats”

What it sounds like they want is a transfer of cash into their account to do with whatever they want.

No fecking way. Not on 4 nights a month. No chance. As your kids get older you’ll be able to give them a tenner each when they go off for the day then they can do as they choose

Exactly. If you see your kids only four days a month you have plenty of time to organise and plan low/no cost activities. You can have lots of fun outside of paid stuff.

also is it good for NRP’s self esteem that the other parent has to fund the activities. For their self esteem I would recommend to work more! Even £100 can make a difference to plan a few paid activities.

Just my opinion (no real experience) but I think this is CF on the NRP side. You have the children 86% of the time and pay for 95% of their needs (including all clothing, extra curricular stuff, as well as overheads when they are with you). Why on earth should you then subsidise the NRP for the 14% of the time they have their own children.

Practically, if the NRP can’t meet their basic needs (food, heat etc) then maybe there is a conversation to be had (though I strongly believe no legal or other obligation to bridge this gap unless you are accessing child benefit in which case they would be entitled to 14% of that). But for niceties like days out, absolutely not. Don’t agree with the whole ‘the children suffer’ here either - they just learn the realities of life and that includes not everyone being able to afford a paid activity daily. Crikey OP you have been more than generous here. I think the therapist is bonkers. How does having someone subsidise your lifestyle help with self esteem?!

I do not think the children are suffering by not having all the things you usually buy them for 4 days per month. Unless, of course, they have no food or heating or a place to sleep. Assuming they have those things, then they don't need to be spending money and doing exciting things every weekend. They already have the hobbies you mention and that's enough if the other parent can't afford to sort something. They can play board games at home or go to the park.

Nah, ex is a CF

Don’t give them anything , it won’t kill the kids to do free / cheap stuff for the 2 days they are there and eventually all children need to learn that some people are better off than others . Ridiculous. I’d ask / pay to see a different therapist and see what a second opinion says as it sounds bizarre to me especially as they don’t pay anything maintenance wise .

The self esteem of the NRP is no longer your concern. You coparent and once the childrens needs are being met thats all thats important. Honestly you are shouldering all the financial support here and thats you more than doing your part.

Angling for more is CF-ery to the highest degree. Especially if youve tried to provide tickets etc and been rebuffed. Providing more financial support is entering dangerous territory and realistically how much would it really improve your dc time with NRP? It all sounds very messy to open that conversation again and I'd worry it'd come back to bite you. No way would I do this and I'd be very frankly telling therapist to cop on.

They're at the NRP for 2 days a fortnight. Why do they need to do costly activities while they are there? There's plenty of free things they could do.

If they're not getting the basics like food, somewhere warm and a bed then that's different.

So they are turning down tickets etc and then asking for money for tickets etc? It doesn't look good. I think giving the kids their own money is more than fair

No 100% no. It's not for this person to be saying you need to pay. If anything he needs to pay you.

Well said!

I wouldnt be giving them tickets etc, I can see how from NRP perspective that could feel like you're rubbing their nose in the financial difference between you.

But no way in hell would I be giving nrp any money either! They can do what most families do - plan activities they can afford. Theres no reason to imagine the dc are being impacted by a loving parent not being able to take them to theme parks every week, even if the other parent does take them. And you aren't responsible for ex's self esteem anymore.

Really? If the kids are starving then the other parent can’t provide for their needs then and maybe it’s best they don’t visit other parent .
Unless for Medical reasons the non resident parent is not working then they need to get a full time job asap.
OR they could cut back on their lifestyle instead of the kids they only see 4 days a month .

No, just no. They need to get a better job, budget better and / or work more hours. No one made them be part time and no one made them have more children. They chose these things

Im a family therapist funnily enough and l have never said this to anyone about their finances with an ex

I don't see what the problem is then. It sounds like she/he just wants to keep the lifestyle she/he had while still with you. Personally, I don't see 4 nights a month as anything more than a visit. There is no need to match lifestyles for the children.

Why is NRP not working more hours?

Surely without childcare to think about she could be doing full time hours and providing for her child.

It's not about the NRP, it's about the children and what is best for them. If every other weekend they have a miserable time, their relationship with their father(?) is affected because "it's no fun" at Dad's and if the RP could help with that then might that be the best thing for the kids?
If they are cramped or cold or can only ever go to the park even if it's shit weather and they are really a bit old for it - then it's not great for them.
I'm not saying OP should pay - we don't have anywhere near enough to know what the circumstances are. I am saying that what's right for the kids, long term as well as short term, is what I'd advise.