That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

In summary: you house, feed, clothe and look after your children almost all of the time, and you pay for everything they need and want to do. The NRP has the DC only two days out of 14. Yet a therapist has said that - as well as all the stuff you now pay for - you should also pay for your kids' activities on their two days with the NRP as well, as they will suffer if they're not able to go to the cinema, go swimming, etc. on those days. Meanwhile, there's no suggestion your children are currently lacking food, warmth, bedding, etc. on the two days a fortnight they are with the NRP.

Based on this information, I'm afraid it seems to me that either the therapist who said this is very stupid, or there are some details you haven't posted here, OP.

It depends on what the non-custodial parent can/can't do. If they can't feed them, then yes, send food. If it's just they can't do big days out, then no. Especially since they have 12 full days to work when they are not with their dc.

Sounds to me as if the nrp is being a cheeky fucker, chancing their arm.
Stick to your guns.

Have you always been the RP since separation? Where does the food bank come into it which prompted the involvement of CAFCASS and family therapy? Did your ex have the children living with them at that point?

You say it's been a long divorce and enough years have passed for them to have a school age child so yours must now be tween/teen age, this sounds more like clashing lifestyle and values than anything, not every family (mine included!) do paid activities every weekend, most of our weekends are spent on general house cleaning/visiting relatives/kids birthday parties/park/shopping, with the odd expensive day out to the zoo or cinema thrown in every now and again. You say they already play in a football team every Saturday morning and have pocket money for sweets so that's plenty for four days a fortnight. If money is tight then their step sibling is experiencing the same lifestyle as your children when they visit. If your children's feedback is already positive about their weekends there then surely that's the focus of the reply back to the therapist.

BTW this isn't being driven by the children, they are happy to do films, read books, cooking/baking, crafts, park, riding bikes and have hours of screen time - which is fine by me as long as they are happy.

There's your answer then. I also remember being perfectly happy spending weekends at my dad's doing nothing in particular.

Maybe when they're old enough (or now, if they're old enough now) slip them a tenner each if they want to do anything and you really think NRP can't afford to do anything with them. But if they're happy then what's the problem?

Thanks all for your comments it has been extremely helpful 👍🏻

I dont know.
Im not a Lawyer but:
Maybe the Law would say : If you start paying for something youre lumbered for life.
Also ' Are you married'????? Maybe a legal spouse has some obligations??????
Also look at genders.
If you are UNMARRIED and female: OLD ENGLISH LAW states : AN UNMARRIED WOMAN SHOULD NOT SUPPORT THE CHILDREN THAT SHES SEPARATED FROM *
Also : if you are providing CLOTHING ,SHOES SCHOOL BOOKS etc - that should compensate .
Theres another thing: has the non resident parent got a new live- in partner.????

Honestly, @Vonesk, I could have sworn you were a lawyer!

Are you having a stroke?

I have a similar situation apart from my EX refuses to work- I work full time and new DH has a good job. Ex pays nothing and I don’t bother asking for anything, I send kids to him with clothes for weekend and their go Henry cards so if they want any snacks etc from shop they can go get them. I would not however be giving him a single penny and would not even offer tickets - he made a decision to not earn so the fact he doesn’t get to do these things with our DC is his choice and I will not subsidise that choice! I pay for both DC hobbies and we go on holiday a few times a year and do day trips and I work to be able to afford to make these memories if your ex choices to work part time and not have spare income that’s a choice he made so not your problem

The self esteem of the NRP is not your concern.

You have gone above and beyond in not claiming any CM and offering discreetly to get tickets for your children on the odd days they are at the NRPs house.

If it was about the children, they would have accepted the tickets, but it's obvious they want you to give them money which is well out of order.

Ignore the therapist.
Some of them may be excellent, but this one does not appear to be the excellent sort.

Your NRP is trying it on.

I’m glad you said it, this is something that should go without saying but some people seem to choose to act stupid!!! I’ve no idea why @SomethingUniqueThisTime things OP should hand over a single cent of THEIR OWN MONEY to the other parent who has the DC 2 nights out of 14!!! It’s 2 flipping nights and as far as I can see OP (whether make or female makes no odds) should pay for the other parent to treat their kids but he/she has done by offering tickets and even included other partner and child, how can you ask fairer than that??? To call the OP controlling is beyond ridiculous. What sort of self absorbed idiot thinks their ex should hand over cash to allow them to do things with their kids?? I’m actually shocked at comments like what somethinguniquethistime came out with and the fact a “therapist” went along with the ex and suggested this isn’t very professional at all, clearly one sided. Just because one parent can’t afford it that’s not the other’s fault. If the ex works as much as they claim to and not able to take the kids more than they do then surely they’re making enough money to have 20/30 quid every 2 weeks to take their kids to a pool or cinema & buy the treats in pound shop 😏 sounds to me like the ex just wants to pocket an extra few quid every 2 weeks!!

The fact that the NRP refuses anything you actually book and pay for proves they are just after the cash and not actually thinking about the best interests of any of their children.

Peronally I would want my own children to have a nice lifestyle at my home and at their fathers. Don't understand why any mother wouldn't.

But of course this is more about the fact that the parents are at war and no one is really arsed about the children (from the vast majority of answers I'm gathering that)

Always astounds me how seemingly sane people get into a battle or get pissed off over money. You can't take it with you. And no one values you more because you're a 'high earner' It's not about the ex partner, it's about YOUR children.

Don't be absurd.

The children are fed, warm, clothed and loved by both parents.

If the one who only has them 2 days once a fortnight doesn't take them out, that is their choice.

They get to go out the other 12 days, the resident parent is already letting the other parent have extra money by claiming no maintenance and they've offered to buy tickets for the other parent to take the kids out.

The other parent wants cold hard cash even though they pay nothing to support their own children.

OP -
It genuinely doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman. Your ex has moved on, remarried, and has another child. They have made their choices.

You should be moving on as well, and that means no joint therapy, etc. If you already pay for all the children’s expenses and all their clubs, and you’re the RP, and your ex refuses any help unless it’s on his or her terms… just enough. Stop. Don’t engage. Not with them. Not with the therapist. None of it. If your ex wants a different financial settlement, they can take you back to court. I very much doubt this will happen and even if it did, I doubt they’d be successful.

And to get very specific, no, when someone tells you that they want specific things (cinema tickets, etc) but then will only accept cash… I would absolutely refuse. You can use a voucher to go to any movie at any time at usually any one of a chain of theaters.

So please just extricate yourself from this whole situation with them, and stop questioning yourself. Your kids aren’t unhappy, and you shouldn’t be unhappy. Watch the situation just to make sure the ex is not badmouthing you to the children “oh, we can’t go anywhere because your mum/dad doesn’t love you enough to pay,” and otherwise, just ignore it. Good luck.

Firstly, did you get a clean break order when you divorced?

Secondly - don’t give money directly, put it on a debit card or similar for an account in your name or kids and allow them or him to use for activities; then you can see the transactions to ensure the money is being spent on your kids only.

“The children have food, heating etc but NRP is unable to 'do nice things like cinema, swimming etc”

Plenty of children don’t get to do these nice things ever and not just for 2 days out of 14. Im sure they do plenty of nice things with you. If NRP wants to do nice things they need to save up for these treats and they are exactly that… treats!! You’ve been more than reasonable offering tickets to things but the fact they turn them down just looks like they want money. Money which should not have to give them. If anything they should be paying you CSM

I'd say you already are subsidising your ex by having the DC 12 out of 14 days, paying for everything they need and asking for no maintenance.

I think someone mentioned this upthread but could you let them take the child benefit for DC if you're a higher earner presumably you can't claim it anyway?

Have you understood the OP?? I don't think you have.

I would tell the NRP and or the therapist by not claiming the child maintenance that you would be entitled to claim that you are already in effect donating that amount to the NRP.

I don't see you have any further responsibility to the NRP. The children are presumably happy to just spend the time with the NRP and don't need to be "entertained". As you state you already pay for the clubs they attend when with NRP. NRP even has a new partner and chose to have another child.

The therapist seems to have overstepped a professional line. I would seriously consider whether their action in encouraging this should be reported. And I am usually the last one om here to say anyone should be reported for doing their job.

Spectacularly misses the point of the thread and assumes it's a non payer 🙄

I would put a CMS claim in. Not because you want or need the money, but because that way you will see the other parents income and whether the pleeding poverty is true. If they do pay up, you could hand them the cash back each week to be spend on the kids. But then I'm in a petty mood today - so maybe not the best advice.

The other thing I'd do is ask the kids whether they enjoy the time with NRP. Not in an invasive way or anything nasty.but if they are old enough to buy their own icecreams they are old enough to say if they've been telling the counsellor if they think NRP is too poor to do anything etc. Its likely they are having a normal family time and it's NRP (or NRPs other half) that feel they should have a share of your cash.

Hang on a minute... the new child isn't coming up school age are they? Don't tell me yours go to private school or have expensive hobbies and there is jealousy so they are coming to think you should pay for the new DC to do the same... or does the new child need a bedroom so they need to move and want you to fund a bigger place? As I said before I'd ask the therapist exactly what they - and NRP thinks you should be paying for... it will be eye opening as I'm guessing it is a bit more than a set of cinema tickets every fortnight...

People often get really arsey when people ask if they've read the thread (or suggest that they do), or at least the OP's posts - often making out that it's deeply unreasonable to expect people to take the trouble to find out the basics of the discussion they're contributing to before they assume, wade in and contribute.

This is why it's important. Otherwise, they're just wasting their own time and everybody else's.

Yes but I assume you meant to tell the person who didn't read the OP'S posts this rather than me who did 🤣