Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

@MadBlack please don't. They were jealous. Probably unhappy. And nasty fuckers. I bet you looked gorgeous.

So many of these are weight related 🙁

Aged about 13/14 and newly into short skirts (1980s) our neighbour was in our house on boxing day and remarked loudly, totally unsolicited, that i had ''fat knees''.

I was 5'5'' and under 8 stone.

She was so obese she was wheelchair bound. Bitch!

Not me but my friend. She was told aged 14 ‘I see you like singing but you’re not good enough to be in the choir are you?’. Not by a musician/choir master neither. She is in her 50s now and still had tears in her eyes when she told me that story, it hurt her so much.

FWIW she has a beautiful voice. She is now a vicar and sings evensong all the time and is a joy to listen to. Before that she was a nurse and would sing to her patients as they were brought round from surgery.

As a student, I’d cooked a fry up for my ex-boyfriend and myself. I was quite young and had really only just learned to cook at that point, so it had taken me ages was feeling proud of myself. By the time we sat down (on the sofa, because my student flat didn’t have a table!) I was STARVING! I realised I hadn’t put down cutlery yet but before I stood up again to get it, I picked up half a bacon rasher and popped it in my mouth with my fingers. My ex looked at me in surprise and said “you’re so desperate to eat it quickly you can’t even use a fork”. It was bad manners, I know, but we were alone in my flat and it was just a tiny mouthful. Not like I was scooping up baked beans with my hands! I think it was maybe a joke, but he knew I was always down about my weight and to me it felt like there was an undertone of ‘fat cow’. It was 17 years ago now, but I still think of it if I pick up a scrap from my kids’ plate to eat before it goes in the bin, or if I’m cutting veggies and eat a cut off as I’m cooking. He will have long-forgotten but I felt such shame at the time and I still inwardly cringe when I remember it!

I was conscious of my knees then for a good few years. Beyond that i just wondered what sort of twisted soul says things like that to a tender teen.

I've not forgotten it obvs!

Mum to me at 13/14 after my swimming lesson - I was looking at the other girls in your class and your thighs are huge in comparison to them

Random man in a bar - I shouldn't wear shorts

I have always been a size 8-10. I do have larger thighs in comparison to the rest of me but not huge. The comments have always stuck with me and have always had an obsession with my weight since those comments.

Man in a pub while I was with my sister - You got the body and your sister got the looks - does make me laugh though as he was sure it was a compliment, however it really was not, so I am ugly with a good body and my sister is pretty with a large body

It's hurtful when someone you think likes/loves you, acts like a cunt to you out of the blue by saying something mean.

HTH

A controlling partner once said to me ‘you don’t need to lose weight, you just need to tone up!’ ‘You’d be really pretty if you didn’t have dark circles under eyes!’

20 years on and those words have never left me. If I’m honest, my relationship with my body changed at that point! I’m now in my 50’s and judge myself every day.

I have a small gap in my front teeth, never bothered me. When I was around 11
Or 12, this cunt(and I don't say that lightly there is many a thing she said to me) loudly exclaimed in front of everyone at swimming "the size of that gap you could drive a boat through it" and iv been so paranoid about it since. I also have long toes(I'm a real catch) which also never bothered and the same girl told everyone I had alien toes and iv been really embarrassed about them since too! It's funny the things that will stick in your head.

I had similar once, in my early 20s I made the mistake of going out with a friend who was obsessed with pulling men rather than just having fun and enjoying herself.

She’d met this guy in a nightclub and we were all outside after it closed. I was chatting to one of his friends, not in a flirty way just passing the time waiting for my friend to hurry the eff up when another one of their group runs up to us and says “urgh what are you talking to <that> for?!”

It absolutely crushed me (and was extra annoying as I’d recently lost weight and was feeling more confident!), I know I’m not particularly attractive but I wasn’t even interested in his fucking friend (who was no Brad Pitt either), we were literally just talking and the use of “that” is so dehumanising. Maybe he was intimidated as he was about 6 inches shorter than me and I’m only 5’8”.

It’s amazing to me that these men will not give these comments a second thought but it stays with us 20+ yrs later.

My ex used to tell me if people made comments about me - once was a skirt I was wearing some girls were laughing at. Never wore it again. Another was that 2 girls he’d previously had a massive crush on at school (and rejected him) had told him he could do better than me when he was considering whether to ask me out or not.

The one that affected me the most was when we were getting divorced and he told me everyone was relieved because they hated me. It was probably true because he’d been cheating and it seemed like everyone knew. Hardly anyone checked on me when it all came out but he was supported like the victim. I have no real friends now because I am constantly thinking about how they really feel about me and trust hardly anyone 10 years on.

Some of these are so horrid, they say so much more about the flaws of the other person!

When I started dating my now ex husband he was talking about a girl he had a crush on at uni but that she was "out of his league"... So of course my response was "WHAT THE FECK AM I, SECOND DIVISION?"

And another odd one - When I was in my 20s I had the family around and someone asked where the serving spoons were and I said I didn't have any (didn't have people round much/just starting out, was planning to use normal spoons and forks etc). the person asking was incredulous at my lack of serving spoons and then a younger relative jokingly piped up "Come on!, this is Aunty Nice we're talking about!" in a way that made me feel like of COURSE I wouldn't have everything organised... which made me wonder what the hell the family narrative was about me. Probably took it to heart too much!! Nothing as serious as other posters x

So it’s more that it’s unnecessary? Although it’s presumably more hurtful if it’s something you think about yourself. I think it’s sad for the people who asked their parents if they were pretty and were told no, but I also think if you’re asking you probably already know the answer - so just wondered where the hurt really lay! A bit like asking your partner if you’ve gained weight - a road to avoid going down!

He's a dickhead, and he would have been no more heed on it but you've thought it about it all the time since! I used to see this fella when I was in college and one night in his, his roommates cousin was staying over and he was absolutely bananas in the house. He wouldn't leave me alone and slagging the fella off for being with me, telling him how I ugly I was and the only nice thing about me was my tits. I threw a drink in his face and walked out, he had to be restrained by his friend. The fella I was seeing sat there and said nothing, think he laughed at one point! Needless to say I never spoke to him again 😂 but I remember how horrible I felt about myself for years

@nononocontact but what is pretty/attractive? What does it mean? A lot of people are lovely looking but not conventionally beautiful. And really if your personality shines through it makes a person more attractive. Looks fade anyway.
I'm conventionally attractive but have been out with women who to look at may not be classed as that but who really could pull, left me in the dirt 😂. Not the pigs we've read about here but real men. With proper personalities. These women were confident and gorgeous.

Anyway people shouldn't be mean. You can almost forgive children but adults especially parents should never do this.

Omg that's awful 😭

@SuzieBishop
Good for your SIL but really I fail to see why women get upset by what some man says.

I remember at work a woman having an argument with a guy she had been daring. I was apparently in his way so he said "Get out the way, Fatty". Was I upset? Nope. I found it amusing that an ugly, fat (yes , fat), immature bloke like him had felt the need to try and insult me!!

Ive got loads but i dont dwell on them ive moved well past them now.

Being repeatedly referred to as ‘care in the community’ (‘play’ on my name/initials) by someone in my nct group when I was recovering from an emergency c-section/ post partum depression as a result. I thought she was my friend; I’d helped her with everything from work issues to childcare. I detached myself, learnt not to wear my heart on my sleeve and never ever put myself out for anyone without being 100% sure they’d do the same for me.

@huileverte
Tell your mum not to bet on it but you will certainly sort out a care home for her!!!

Bless you, no she didn’t. But if she hadn’t, then I wouldn’t have my own wonderful children. At least I learned the hard way how not to parent 🤷‍♀️.

Those of you who've moved past them well done. But everyone is different. I have never let them affect me but not everyone has that confidence. Some people are sensitive for different reasons.

That's no friend. I hope you dropped him like a hot potato.

Ex's aunt told me I was pretty but not beautiful, first time I met her and literally had no reason to bring my looks up.

Optician who made quite a big thing of my face being unequal when measuring me up for glasses.

Two completely separate incidences of throw away size-related comments when I was very early 20's and a size 10 but was made out to be overweight. I like to think the people who said them didn't actually mean to be nasty, both were just cases of thoughtless spur of the moment comment that you can't take back. I doubt they realise that I still recall it all clearly 20 years later.

None of these things had an long term detrimental effect on me though. If I were to think hard I could probably come up with something I've said to someone that I didn't give much thought to but really bothered them. None of us are perfect.

My own sister said i dont want to get fat because i dont want to look like you when i look in the mirror.

And an ex that told me you sister was better because she is slim I didnt know they was sleeping together.
Sister when confronted said well he has a point.