Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

DM has said many comments over the year

But one which does stand out is, when I was 12 she said that I dressed rather frumpily.

It was when boho chic fashion was in so I was just channeling my inner Sienna Miller wearing my favourite top from Tammy Girl minding my own business at the time

When I was about 12 in the early 90s I was walking home from school with some friends. My best friend was behind me and she said "you know, your legs go straight down into your feet, you don't have ankles." I was very insecure about my body but it had never occurred to me to worry about my ankles until then, and it wasn't until I was older and the term "cankles" started being used that I realised what I had was a "thing."

@Ulysees what’s attractive to one person is totally different for someone else! I don’t believe everyone is beautiful in their own way - I actually think most of us are a bit ugly in our own way haha! (I also think there are far far worse things in the world than being ugly - i love my friends because of their kindness/humour/intelligence etc etc not their looks!) I just wondered what causes the real hurt with the “not pretty” comment as it’s one that has come up so often - is it that someone felt the need to say it (and it’s obviously unnecessary) or is it the knowledge that that person sees you in that way? Interesting whether it would feel so hurtful if you considered yourself to be pretty!

As a teen, I began some hobbies which were considered "geeky" or "nerdy".
I dropped my school bag one day and an item related to my hobby felt out of my bag. One of my "best friends" grabbed it and asked me about it, when I explained it was to due with my hobby, she sneered at me , rolled her eyes and said "what a geek. go f* yourself backwards, ceebee" and flounced off.
She probably forgot she said that by the end of that day. I haven't forgotten it almost 30 years later. I still don't like talking about my hobbies now because I dont ever want to be made to feel ashamed about them : (

At my actual fucking wedding: "Wow, don't you look exactly like your dad!" Now it's all I see when I look in the mirror. Every day.

I find that the words 'Takes one to know one' are very useful.

About twenty years ago when I was overweight and very self-conscious, it was last posting date for Christmas and the queue at my small local Post Office was out the door. As one person got served and left the queue moved forward and the next person from the queue outside came into the shop. After I was served I edged my way past the throng of people waiting and as I was making my way out of the Post Office one of my neighbours looked at me, smiled and shouted "room for two more inside now". I think she thought she was being funny but I was so humiliated.

'EverlovingFork? Oh, you mean Butterface'

'Huh?'

'Everything's nice but her face.'

😞

OK, not carefree passing comments but definitely stuff that hit me to the core and stayed with me for years. Actually, stayed with me forever and definitely affected my outlook on life.

My father ‘Get out and start earning. We’ve kept you long enough.’ I was 16 and still at school.
Also my father when I referred to someone as my friend, a sneered ‘you’ve got no friends.’ Nice one dad.
The prize goes to my mum who repeatedly told me ‘I never dropped from your bloody arse.’ It worked mum, you made me feel like a piece of crap and that comment has haunted me all my life.

I had such a precious childhood 🙄

To the poster upthread who said ‘just get over it’ - I’ll keep my thoughts to myself or otherwise risk a lifetime ban from mumsnet. Stupid and lacking in empathy doesn’t begin to cover it.

@Devpatelslaughingeyes some people shouldn't have had dcs 😞So sorry you were born to them. It's sad when there's so many out there desperate for dcs who'd be amazing parents.

When I was 10 I got appendicitis and before I went for my operation my mum said 'maybe they can take a bit of fat out at the same time'. I wonder we why I've spent my life obsessed with my weight

What a horrible, bullying man!

I've had numerous comments that I will not forget:

DH's family saying not to say in front of FIL that DD looked like me. Even at her Christening, I remember standing in the church with my parents and one of DH's aunts came over, looked at DD and me and said FIL was right, she did look like me, but not to say that in front of him.

MIL telling me due to the drugs I'd had during childbirth, it had been my fault that DD had ended up in special care.

SIL patronising me by asking me if I understood men had needs as it was obvious to her that her brother was frustrated.

These are probably the ones that will always stick.

My df once said to a lady he had 7 children and I said no you have 8 and he said you don't live with me so you don't count. I was so angry I walked away I was 14 and I've never ever forgotten that.

oh bore off

Sounds silly and should be irrelevant after 48 years, but for some reason this stupid comment still stings ...
At a children's party aged about 9 we were playing blindman's buff. I got to be the 'blindman' and the Dad of the child whose party it was couldn't get the scarf tied up properly to stay around my eyes/head.
After a few goes at tying it, he loudly said "It's your square head! That's the problem! Why are you inviting a square headed child to your party X?!"
Of course the crowd of children gathered around me roared with laughter. I went bright red and just wanted to disappear.
I had to wear glasses (with a patch) as a child and had always wondered if I was ugly. This seemed to confirm I looked odd. The square head comment has stayed with me for life.

I had this exact thing by my ex, I'd blocked it out and forgot until I just read this.
Thankfully they're now our exes.

I wanted to contribute to this thread but just things my abusive ex said to me would fill the thread.

Some of these are so sad. to you all, it's ok to tell the world to F off sometimes.
In a more light hearted tone, my mother once told me that state of my kitchen was diabolical. I'd spent ages cleaning.

My mum - ‘GOD YOU’RE ANNOYING’
Whether or not she meant it horribly or was just pissed off with me that day I do always worry that I’m annoying people.

A former boyfriend once said that my legs were 'not mini skirt legs' but his kind of legs. Needless to say, I turned down his proposal of marriage!

Fil when dd was in nicu having been born with an unexpected, serious genetic condition “you (and DH) must be genetically incompatible”.

She died 5 years ago and I will never forget what he said.

My first boyfriend (I was 17) told me I had a case for getting a boob job on the NHS because with 'a chest that small you could claim it affects your mental health'. He was the first guy to ever see me with my clothes off and it really hurt to hear that sort of criticism.

It had never bothered me that I wasn't overly well endowed in that area as a teenager, but even 17 years later it sticks in my mind and it's probably the one part of my body I'm most self conscious about even now.

Lift was out of action in the airport car park ... my mum turned to my kids and said "well, mummy could do with taking the stairs anyhow"

8.5minutes was all it took to get to the first comment (dh and I played "bitch bingo" whenever she visited)

I was only about ten, very shy, very self conscious, at a kid’s disco. But I was having fun and dancing when this boy approached me. I started to feel a little giddy, was he going to say he liked me etc. Instead he said (or rather, scoffed) to me ‘how do you dance with such skinny legs’. I was absolutely crushed and mortified. It was very early 70s, the song was Michael Jackson’s Rockin’ Robin and I still can’t hear it today without being transported back to that moment and feeling completely smacked down.

I had this one from my oldest friend. I'd put a picture of my dad up on Facebook not long after his death and she came up with 'wow - you look exactly like him!'

I already know that I look like my dad - I didn't need to have it pointed out in public!