Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

You're bang on OP. Happy people don't make these comments.
It's shit isn't it that people who are miserable want to bring others down so they are miserable too.
Best thing to do is remember they are bitter inside and just feel sorry for them.

So many comments about not being pretty. Is it hurtful because it felt unnecessary or because you didn’t want someone else to see you like that? You must know if you’re pretty or not so is it more hearing someone else say it? Curious!

(Please don’t reply saying everyone is beautiful as that is simply untrue)

Last day of high school, there was a lad with a camera taking pictures. It was the 90s so not like now when you can take as many photos as you want. He was going around asking people to be in the photos and one girl wouldn’t and he said ‘Go on, even NoraLuka did it and she’s not photogenic’ I already thought I was ugly but that just confirmed it and I still don’t like photos even now!

My mother, to 10 year old me, crying because I was being bullied at school "well I can't help it if no-one likes you can I"

My stepdad, to 30-ish year old me the day after DB's wedding, when I had got a bit drunk and over-emotional "well of course you'd be upset, your brother is 5 years younger than you and he's getting married whilst you're still a spinster"

My mother, to 35-ish year old me (out of the blue, and having absolutely no idea why I don't have children as we'd never discussed it) "I'm so glad you've not had children, you're not the type, and now I'll have someone to look after me in my old age". Luckily it wasn't an upsetting subject for me, and I still have no idea why I am not 'the type' but it could well have been a devastating comment. I have since put her very straight on just how "available" I will be to 'look after' her in old age!

Nicest thing anyone has ever said to me (a friend years ago) - "awww, everyone should have a huileverte!"

My nan had no filter and when i split up with my ex (20 years ago now) she said I just don't know why you can't keep a man love, have a look at what you're doing that makes them run away (or words to that effect.) That really hurt as i had had two long term relationships, one cheated and the latter raised his hand to me and that was enough for me to leave. But it did make me think for years that it something i had done both times other than the men being the twats.

I also moaned to my nan once that my feet hurt and she said course they do love, carrying all weight around. I was a size bloody 12 at the time!

I think it's got less thankfully as it's more common to be overweight plus acceptance and anti bullying.
My eldest is overweight and has never had it commented on.

It was a toxic workplace, but he was one of the popular 'good guys' as opposed to socially awkward me, so was in a far better position socially to challenge the toxicity instead of contributing to it. Stayed there far too long, but everyone came to my leaving party, he was practically chased out with a pitch fork.
It was a charity too, would never go back to one.

I was in my 20s and weighed by a nurse as part of the contraceptive injection. She gasped and said she didn't expect me to weight THAT MUCH and then said 'can I ask what foods you eat...is it a lot of burgers?'

My mum when I took her shopping to help me buy new swimming costume before first holiday with boyfriend. I was saying how i didn't fit into the ones I had a home. My mum 'yes, I'd noticed you've put on quite a lot of weigh recently'. I had actually lost over a stone which is why they didn't fit.

My ex told me his friends thought I was too ugly for him.

When I was 23 I was in a nightclub one night and was a bit upset as a bloke I'd just gone on a couple of dates with was there, but he was completely ignoring me. I bumped into a friend and her husband and told them about him, and they seemed reasonably sympathetic.

Friend and husband split up a couple of years later, and one day she was trying to convince me what a bastard he was, and told me that that night in the nightclub when I was upset he'd said, "I'm not surprised he's ignoring her, she's so fucking ugly!"

Oh my word some of these posts are horrible, so sorry what some of you guys have lived through 🙁💐

I hate these faux head tilt questions. People often post on aibu for traffic and you know it 🙄

Op a teacher I really liked at school was telling me off for a minor dismeneamor and said " I never liked you anyway". I still remember how hurt I was to this day.

My DM had my youngest sibling when I was 10, a bit chubby but (looking back at photos) nothing horrendous. I remember her looking at my tummy when she was about six months pregnant and chuckling "you look more pregnant than me!" - led to years of yo yo dieting and general lack of confidence in my body. Stung even more because after she had my sibling, there was no time/ money/ energy for me to carry on with my favourite hobby of gymnastics; that coupled with puberty and general unhappiness at a crap home life DID make me pile on the pounds...

By 16 I'd lost a bit of weight, felt a bit better in myself - did my work experience in a sheltered accommodation unit, had a great time. Met the manager (who was probably in her mid 50s at that point) just as I was leaving, feeling much better and more confident in myself. She asked my name, which I've always loathed - it's a youneek spelling of a very typical 70s/ 80s name - and when told said "Oh, what a shame!". I still have no idea what she actually meant but that coupled with her disappointed expression made me realise it was nothing good - absolutely crushed me again after two weeks of having my self esteem restored a bit

I was in high school aged about 14 and drawing something in art class while the teacher was out the room. One of the boys looked and said oh that's amazing! I was quite good at art in school. He then turned to another boy (who I'd once had a crush on) and said hey Mark look at Soonbspryng's drawing! And Mark said, no because she's bloody ugly! I was mortified.

20 plus years later and Mark has moved across the street from my mother, with his family. I've not seen him yet but his horrid comment always comes to mind when I drive past his house.

This is more of a light-hearted one but years ago while at a gig my husband told me to "never dance like that again" ... I was just doing what I thought was pretty standard non offensive dance moves!

Anyways if he asks me to come and dance with him nowadays I do remind him of his comment.

My MIL told me I had let myself go - she said I looked gaunt, my nails were a mess, and my hair looked weird.

Had just finished chemo. She seriously could not put the two things together.

My current manager at work told me that the experiences I had been given in my first role were simply because they were under-resourced and that was why I had those opportunities.

Implication: We were under-resourced and it wasn't because I was good at my job that I did things but because no one else had capacity too.

Truth: No. It wasn't. It was because I was bloody good at my job and that was why I was doing things as a junior member of staff that my current LM has not yet experienced. It's also why I got promoted twice to more senior positions whilst my LM has been in the same grade for 20 years.

But it still bloody stings.

When l was about fourteen (in the early 70s) my mother remarked about a neighbour "Well, if she's got a man, there's hope for you...."
I was a couple of stone overweight and had cystic acne at the time.
She also remarked on my skin and said "Well you don't take after me. I've never had a spot in my life."
When l was sixteen (my skin having cleared up from going on the pill, and losing three stone) l started going out with my first boyfriend (he was my best friend's big brother, and stunning) she said "That won't last. He's too good for you."

When I was at my first job, around 19yo, I had to take tea/coffee into my boss office while he was having a meeting with another man (from a different company). While I was in there he told me I shouldn't wear a skirt to work anymore as I "didn't have the legs for one"! I was mortified and to this day (nearly 50) I have not worn a skirt again. (And back then my legs were fine!)

I was about 11 and was buying a night shirt with my dad that had a huge cartoon pig on the front and I heard him say to the assistant "how appropriate".

I had ran down a hill with a friend and had to pretend I didn't understand what inertia meant because her dad made a nasty joke about inertia my weight and the hill. I pretended not to understand so he wouldn't feel awkward or unkind.

Seeing my mum on a visit and her telling me I would be more loveable if I was thinner, I was early teens.

Being told by friends I'd be so pretty if I lost weight.

I found a photo of me in my early teens and whilst I wasn't slim I was about 7lbs - 14lbs overweight, I was shocked I didn't look like a huge fat overweight blob. I didn't initially recognise it as me as it was so different to the image in my head, or voice lol.

Lots and lots more but those are my "favourites".

I had a lot of food allergies as a kid...when I was 16 an Allergist said 'Usually people with your number of allergies have trouble keeping weight on...clearly you don't'. Completely unnecessary. Never went back.

A classic from my Dad, I was an only child at the time and parents divorced.
He was always hours and hours late whenever he came to see me. I'd asked why he was always so late, didn't he get into trouble at work if he was late all the time? He replied "I'm on time for things that matter."
We don't speak now.

I was working in a restaurant as a student - it was more like a few tables in a room over a bar, it had no business being called a restaurant. One evening I was waiting on a table of 4 very loud, very arrogant men. On taking their order one of them asked ‘does the council cut your hair?’ They then proceeded to fall about laughing. I don’t remember what I said but I felt like shit, as you can imagine. Twats.

This is the worst I’ve seen - I’m so sorry you had a mother like that :( She didn’t deserve children imo.

I think your friend did the MN equivalent of "I asked my DP, and he said..."

For me, my mum did the "I love you, but I don't like you" thing some mums think is fine to say to their troubled children. I have never forgotten that or forgiven it.