Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

No you don't have to convince me of anything. I am simply just giving my opinion. Of course losing weight makes a difference to people, but it's perception rather than reality is my point. Most people feel better when they lose weight so they think they look better and will usually have more confidence. Plus people just love to comment even if someone has put on a very small amount of weight, even if you aren't overweight people still call people fat and that shapes how people think and see themselves and others. It makes no difference to me because I am not pretty/attractive/good looking or whatever, so I don't have to worry, but I do understand how people will feel more beautiful if they lose weight because of how orhers treat them.

A relative commented on my big hips at around 11 years old

Around the same time a boy at school that I fancied told me I was a weird shape.

Some others commented on my shape and weight too, one saying I was getting chunky.

Looking back at photos of the time I had an amazing figure, like hourglass, I was a size 8.

These comments and some others set me off on an over-two decade battle with anorexia. I was hospitalised at one point and almost died.

I've been recovered a good while now and it makes me so angry and sad that some stupid comments caused me to damage myself so much.

And...

I've recently been told I have nothing going for me 🙃 but I'm past the point of caring what others think of me now.

A few years ago I needed a haircut and my usual hairdresser was on maternity leave so my mum suggested I go to the one she used.

I hate having my hair cut and don't really like being in the salon, looking in the mirror while making small talk. My usual hairdresser was mobile so came to my house and I'd known her for years so felt very comfortable with her. She had trained and worked for several years with a well known national chain and won several awards for her work.

New hairdresser dismissively pulled at my hair, curled her nose up and absolutely slated the style (basically a layered, shoulder length bob) telling me it was awful, and said it was like I had two hairstyles on my head while laughing and pointing it out to her colleagues. I was mortified, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole!

Those of us impacted by this are not talking about feelings and perception, or being socially conditioned to see slim as more attractive.

Those things are true enough, but I look like CZJ when the weight is off, and like a jowly, hamster-cheeked frump when I’m carrying extra weight. I can see it in the mirror and in photos.

It’s no biggie - because I know I’m attractive when my face is slim, so I don’t lose sleep over it when it isn’t. It’s not perception, or all in my mind. It’s reality!

FYI - I *don’t have great facial bone structure - no cheek bones!

What I do have, is a perfectly oval face, large brown eyes and a small nose. Great slim - not when the heavy cheeks are dragging everything down!

When I was about 12, I used to go to a dance class. There was another girl my age there and she was prettier than me and very very slim - skinny really, like a lot of girls were in the early 80s but is more unusual now. I was stocky, I wouldn't look at all out of place in a year 7 class now but back then I was conscious that I was heavier than a lot of girls. I wasn't tall; I had a tiny waist and visible ribs (believe me I knew exactly what my body looked like) but a big bum and thick legs. I always tried to hide my body as much as possible and tried to distract attention by having pretty hair or whatever else I could do.

The dance teacher's friend was trying to sell her (horrible) handmade clothes for children and asked the teacher for models. Without asking me, the teacher told her friend that she could "have" me, and the other girl, J. I was horrified - no way was I prepared to get up and parade in lumpy handmade clothes that would make me look even worse than I always did anyway. I was trying to compose some polite excuse in my head and while I was standing there silently the teacher confirmed it - "That works, doesn't it? J to be the pretty one, Try to be the dumpy one".

@Sam0207 Oh Sam, I could cry for you too. My DD is going through similar. My heart breaks for her.
It’s my belief that it only takes one very strong but very dark personality to influence a whole group. The others just want to keep in with the Leader and are scared of her. They’re glad it’s not them.
I’m sure they didn’t all dislike you.

I do feel sorry for nose-picker too. Would she have been on her own if you hadn’t been made to share?
<over invested>

When I say “they are glad it’s not them” I mean being targeted.

Oh God, so many.
Being 16, feeling really self conscious about having an outbreak of pimples on my face. Walking out of the door of a chain store, to 3 boys a couple of years older, all eyeing me up and down, when 1 of them said "She'd be alright and I'd shag her if it wasn't for that fucking ugly acne!" Then all 3 of them creased over with loud laughter whilst pointing at me as they walked past. I felt ugly from that day on.
Being 11 and my dad marching me in to a chemist to order me to be weighed on the chemist scales. When he saw the weight, he exclaimed loudly "Well if you're that heavy now, after losing weight from having your brace fitted and not being able to eat, God knows what you bloody weighed before!" I died in front of all the other customers. He then walked behind me down the street. I dared to turn and look at him, only to see him looking at me in absolute disgust. Cue a lifetime of disordered eating. I've seen photos of myself at age 11 and I just look a normal size/weight.
Being 18 and my boyfriend's older sister getting married. His mum showing me the dress and saying "In a few years when you marry my boy, you can wear this dress but I'll have to let the seams out and add extra panels in because you're very big, dear". I was a size 10 - 12 at 5ft 8. His sister was a size 6 - 8 at 5 ft. I shrank inside when she said this. I cried afterwards as I felt demeaned. Boyfriend went and told his mum she'd upset me. She came to me and said "Now why are you crying about being so big, you silly thing."
Being 28 and showing a different, later boyfriend a photo of me on my friend's hen do, him laughing out loud and saying "You look like a hippo dropped down to earth from outer space!". I mean, I was wearing size 12 trousers!! I wasn't a hippo! And even if I was, who says that in response to being shown a happy photo from a fun night out? I felt really self conscious about my body after that.
Being 8 and my nan telling her milkman I wanted to be a ballet dancer when I grew up, whilst I stood proudly beside her in my tutu and ballet shoes after having just finished my lesson. Him looking at me and saying "Naaah, they'd never have her, she'll go no-where" dead seriously. And my nan didn't say anything to him! I gave up ballet soon after that.
Being 45 at a summer works party, and having an older male colleague stare blankly at me whilst I was explaining something to him, only for him to reply "Why.........do........you.........talk........sooooo.........slooooooowlyyyyy......." Then walking off leaving our conversation unfinished. I didn't tell him it's because I have dyslexia and sometimes have to fight really hard mentally to find the words I'm searching for in my brain due to dyslexia causing a processing delay and sometimes that means I pause slightly in between sentences. I'd always thought I'd masked it quite well up until he said that to me. I didn't speak to anyone at the party after that, and left early.
I mean, I have dozens more to tell.......
A lifetime of receiving insensitive comments!

Ah a few come to mind...

In middle school a friend randomly decided to 'ask out' a boy on my behalf. I didn't even have a crush on him. He looked horrified, looked at me then back at her and said "urgh, no way, she's so UGLY" (emphasis his).

Wearing a slightly cropped top at around 12, my mum said "I can't let you go out like that with your gut hanging out". She'd often worry about me getting "chubby" and have us all start "eating healthily" but I've yet to see a picture of me as a child or teenager where I look even remotely overweight.

There's others but those came into mind quickly.

Throw in both my biological and adopted dad dropping me and I have quite a lot of insecurity and fear of abandonment. DH insists he loves how I look but I think pretty much every other woman is more attractive and it's only a matter of time before he wants to sleep with someone more in his league. I can sometimes hardly bear talking to people as they have to look at my face and I think it must be awful for them (I work in a job that requires long face to face conversations too!). Plus I developed such disordered eating I am actually overweight now so fat AND ugly. Other people say I'm not but they have to be kind don't they. I'd love to be beautiful.

Just remembered a comment to my 4 year old daughter at a birthday party a few weeks ago. Made by a 4 year old boy. "You are no good at anything."
She cried her eyes out. They certainly start young. I wanted to scratch that little kids eyes out 😅

Ah yes the Dad comments. My dad always called me moon face as a child, it took me until my 30s to realise that actually my face shape isn’t even round but I still avoid photos at all costs because all I can see is my big fat face and I hate it.

My dad didn’t mean it with malice and he still defends it as in his eyes it’s a factual comment, he sees nothing wrong with commenting negatively on people’s weight/appearance because to him it’s true so they can’t be hurt. My poor mum got told off for being fat when she put on a little weight after having children then for being too thin when she was run ragged with 3 under 5.

I also had comments about being stuck up/too solemn when actually I was extremely shy and my parents did nothing to help build my confidence/ be more outgoing.

I have DDs and I never want them to suffer with crippling low self esteem like I did/do, this thread has reminded me to think extra carefully about the affect a thoughtless comment can have.

So many truly terrible things mentioned above, I’m sorry for all of you that are still affected

But how to teach resilience?

Can it even be taught?

I pile compliments onto my kids but my eldest child dismisses them immediately. Also sees any constructive remark as a criticism and dwells on it so much that DC1 becomes very difficult to help.

Hundreds.

"Stupid, useless and will never amount to anything"
"F@@@@@g fat ugly crackpot"
"Not welcome here as you're not a local"
"Who'd date that?" Said by two 'men' pointing at me on a train.

Snide comments about my weight ALL the time. Either too heavy or too thin.

No wonder I prefer to be alone even though it's horrible.

Guess i'm lucky i'm ugly then and I don't have to worry about being pretty when i'm thin and not when i'm not so thin, although i've never been thin thin thanks to my body shape and height, i'm a 4foot 10inch chubby dwarf who wouldn't look out of place down the silver mines with the rest of my clan, my lack of beard would be a problem though😂.

Ugh, really stomach churning to read some of these posts… I have one that’s stuck out to me, from when I was in a pub in Amsterdam in my early 20s. In the smoking area just chatting casually with lots of different people, got talking to one guy about music, can’t really remember the specifics but we liked a few of the same bands. My friend and I were just passing through the pub, wasn’t interested in having anything happen with this guy and gave no signs that I wanted anything.

Mid conversation he just kind of leaned back and said ‘you know, it’s really great that someone like you can still go out and… be so confident’ while just gesturing to me as if to say I was so repulsive but it’s great I’m still living life.

He said it so matter of fact and with such a cheerful tone that I really thought he must be right. Never mind self esteem, all my self worth went out the door that night & I’ve never been the same. I know he probably never thought about it again.

I didn’t wear makeup to high school one day. I usually would wear a little but not overkill though on this morning I didn’t have time.

A boy in my year said I looked like Cheryl Cole, but with cancer.

Years later, it still bothers me.

Aye. My mum, when I was 13 and stunning, told me I'd look better without that 'roll of fat' on my back.

And she told me I looked 'fine' on my wedding day.

I tell my dc they are beautiful all the time. They are.

I was about 14. I was going out to a nice restaurant and was dressed up. I felt beautiful in a new dress. My Dad looked at me and said, "How much are you charging? You look like you should be standing on the street corner."

Someone who I thought was a friend gave me a hug, and whispered "just because I am hugging you, does not mean I like you".

Also, my own DM. My DP bought a posh digital camera, so I said I might sign up to a college course on how to use it. She said "what it the point? It wont get you a job" (I am unable to work due to MH issues). I never enrolled on the course.

Another...

Back in school, the teacher had us say one nice thing about our selves. I said I was kind... the whole class laughed at me.

Unfortunately I was “blessed” with big boobs. So I’ve heard some nasty shit over the years. One that sticks in my mind was walking past two young lads and one said to the other “look at the tits on that”! That. Not even her. That.

what the hell is wrong with some men?

I must have been about 14, in the late 70s when my mum said that everyone has one outstanding feature (I now know that is rubbish). Simperingly, I asked her what mine might be. I assumed she would say excellent skin, because at that time I did have good skin. She considered me for a moment, and said "eyebrows". I mean, eyebrows of all things! Especially as I have pale, almost invisible sparse eyebrows. To this day I hardly ever plucked or darkened my eyebrows.

Thanks a heap, mum.

Throughout primary a classmate of mine said many horrible things.. some in fleeting comments but others more thought out. It did haunt me but then I moved away and didn’t think much of him for 15 years or so. Moved back to our old hometown and soon after he dies, won’t say exactly from what but he was intoxicated and unhappy. Only 32, he never really got his life on track. Going to his funeral was heartbreaking, but not only did I mourn him as someone I had know my whole childhood but I also realised there can be so much misery for those that speak unkind words. Not really sure where I’m going with this, but I hope those who have had these comments now realise it’s not about them at all ♥️

Oh @SoOutingWhoCares - your story brought back a memory. When I was a little girl, pink was for pretty girls, so I didn't have it. Even my glasses were blue.

When I was 30 I had enough money to fit a brand new, German kitchen. So I got it in pink. It matched my pink carpets and pink curtains. It was more tasteful than it sounds.

At 63 pink is still my favourite colour. DD had as much pink as she wanted. She didn't want much of it. Probably because she could have it.

@Whatthechicken I read a really interesting book recently about inherited trauma https://www.easons.com/it-didnt-start-with-you-mark-wolynn-9781785044380?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAxaCvBhBaEiwAvsLmWKrvT6yCvYlnQFDFJEYgN7MBgWjfnJaoSLqjSx3ZQYVDkiGi_pRJfBoCR5kQAvD_BwE
I had one of those lightbulb moments a few years back where I realised some of my actions/behaviours weren’t wholly my own and that they had been unconsciously internalised in my relationship with my mother. She had internalised them from hers and so forth …we absolutely can stop the rot.