Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

Ah so many over the years...
One choice one though was when I worked in a rural-ish pub in my early 20's. The car park was often dark and empty at the end of the shift and I would ask for someone to watch out the door to check I got to my car okay. The landlord said, and I repeat "what have got you got to worry about? I'd understand it if you looked like x" (the barmaid I was working with at the time).

Nice 🙄

He was no oil-painting himself...

I can remember wearing one of my older sisters t-shirts as a teen and my dad saying ‘you’re going to stretch that out’.

A boyfriend I had just started dating left his phone open on messages to his best friend and was telling him he had started seeing someone, the friend asked ‘is she good looking?’ And he replied ‘she’s alright’.

Someone aimed a status at me on social media and posted a photo of an unattractive celebrity straight afterwards, I’m guessing trying to say I looked like them. I still think about it randomly if I hear the celebrity’s name.

When I was 5 my dad pointed at a deep scar on my leg which should have had stitches but my parents had ignored it, so it had closed up in quite an unsightly way after an infection and no treatment, he and told me that he hoped I knew that I could never be a model because of that

Ah I guess you are one of the lucky ones whose face is not affected by weight gain. I am definitely not one of those lucky people. I go from super attractive/ pretty to fat faced. I tend to gain weight on my face first. But similarly when I lose weight my facial features are really enhanced. So losing weight definitely makes me more attractive.

I told someone they were a big mouth once, they were very chatty but lovely and they were really hurt, I was mortified, I hadn't said it with any ill intent I'd been thoughtless really. I said it because I was worried she would tell this guy I fancied that I fancied him. I was way too shy to say anything myself and he was very shy also.

Well she did tell him and and she gave him my phone number which he used to call to ask me out and that guy is now my husband of 25 years and we've been so happy together. If she hadn't told him then I'd probably never have seen him again.

I still feel awful every time I think of it but I am so grateful to her and I hope where ever she is her life is lovely and she never gives what I said a second thought.

OP, I don't think you friend meant anything else apart from what she meant...

I hope I'm not going to get slaughtered for this, please note this is my personal opinion only! So here it goes:

I'm not massively overweight myself but I know I would look much more attractive if I lose that extra 10-12 pounds... I know I will look good because I only put on weight recently, because of peri/ stress/ etc and I was thinner and better looking before. The thing is, I don't really care what I look like as dating is not on my list at all and I'm very happy and content the way I am, I might try to get fitter and more active but my looks are fine to me whatever. But, IF I wanted to date, I would probably try to lose weight to increase my chances. That's how life is I'm afraid! You might meet someone who would love you for you, but this definitely is not going to happen on OLD.

Loads.
Family visiting from abroad commented on my sister looking lovely and slim, my mum piped up “Yeah, Glue’s little and dumpy like me..”
My chief bridesmaid: “are you sure you want me to be your bridesmaid, I’m taller and blonder than you.”
On holiday in a tankini after three babies and expressing my lack of body confidence- “ Well, you’re not the worst…”
After dc was born very ill with a rare genetic condition- “ it’s because you and dh are incompatible “.
I’d been having my hair cut at a trendy and expensive salon. I was exhausted after having dd, she was extremely ill, I was out of my mind with worry, and it was my treat to myself. There was a photographer doing a promotional article and the owner was looking around for prime candidates, and his eyes landed on wet haired, sad and shattered me and he made a noise of contempt and disgust and huffed a bit as he flapped me away as too unattractive. It was the straw that broke me and I never went back.

My cousin can draw and his Christmas he was drawing caricatures of us. When it came to me he said "I can't do morning as she's too plain". He wasn't wrong tbf

In my late 20s I went from a size 10 to a size 12. Out for coffee with my dad he asked how I was, I said that I should probably make time to exercise a bit more and he said, 'yeah you can see all the weight on your face'. I had honestly never thought about weight on my face?!

Another was at school aged 14, I put my hair in a ponytail and someone - I can't even remember who - said 'oh coz your hairs greasy?' I've religiously washed my hair every 2 days ever since and I'm nearly 40!

There’s two that spring to mind..

1. place I’d worked from 16-19 - boss told me on a Xmas night out “you’re problem is you never know when to just say nothing” HOWEVER it wasn’t the comment that stung because I knew it was true, it was the person saying it that annoyed me! She should’ve known better and said nothing on a night out fuelled by alcohol.

2. an uncle “you need to put on weight, are you sure you have no disorder, it’s not normal to be that skinny”… I’m still the same size 20+ yrs later. Problem with the comment is - he had zero idea if I was or not, if I had been then it would never have helped and though I didn’t/don’t it could’ve easily sent me in a spiral!

pleased to say I’m zero contact with either person, I still say what I think and I’m still lucky enough to be skinny 😉 unfortunate really that both comments have stuck around!

That is awful. My DM has come out with similar comments in the past usually when I was really struggling. We live close to each other now and see quite a lot of each other but I always hold her a little bit at arm's length emotionally. Not sure if it is me who is poor at forgiveness or it is a bit of self preservation. I don't think she has any idea I feel that way.

Ex-MIL told me that I was very lucky to have DS, who have severe autism and learning disabilities, as he would never leave me like her son had done (by moving out to Uni).

I am very lucky to have my DS, he is brilliant. But I would give everything I ever had for life to be easier for him.

'Your breasts are your only redeeming feature.'

I've breastfed two babies since then so they certainly aren't anymore.

Remembered this periodically over 25 years in a 'what a twat' sort of way. But sometimes now, when it's a low ebb day, I look in the mirror and this memory stings.

Some people are very attractive fat or thin. I am one of those people who just looks very different when fat. I look far better when I am slim.

It was more a projection of his own thoughts on himself

This is a good takeaway

I was 10 years old when my dad died and my BIL (aged about 28 at the time) said at the wake:

"stop crying, you look ugly when you cry"

I've never told my sister what he said

Ex-H: “I’m afraid I can’t have sex with you these days because your tummy overhangs a little and I don’t like that in women, Im sorry”.

(In hindsight I was 25, slim, tall, fit & healthy). But I believed him, and was so miserable, lonely and appalled at myself that I attempted suicide.

Of course, but as humans, generally the default position is to straight to the negative. All my ears heard were 'she's fat'. I was feeling low, so this just made me think my disastrous dating life was all down to me being overweight.
Luckily, I'm happily married now to the loveliest man in the world who always raises me up 🥰

God this thread is so depressing. So many awful comments, that would be forgotten by the perpetrator seconds after they left their mouth, but will stay with the recipient forever and affect them in all sorts of way.

I agree that the comment almost always says more about the person saying it.

Whether it’s because they’re a loser incel-type man with their own deep insecurities lashing out at the world, other women/bosses/feiends/family members projecting their own insecurities, or seriously dysfunctional parents - again dealing with their own unresolved issues and insecurities.

In response to the OP, I am another one whose weight goes straight to their face. I look great when slim (being honest on an anonymous forum, although as a middle-aged 50YO, I am obviously invisible now!), but the minute I put on any weight, I look frumpy because it’s gone straight to my face.

I have had that thought - she’d be so gorgeous if she lost a bit of weight - (very much internally and never expressed!) about people. It’s totally my own issue though - I’m thinking about myself and projecting.

Any comment that is a judgement is always about the person expressing it. And again, happy / content people don’t say mean things to others. They don’t deliberately hurt people. So although they may pass-remark and instantly forget it, they’re also going through life with a bit of a black hole inside, so it can’t be much fun being them.

Oh my life, this is just utterly awful.
I can feel your pain with this.
I hope you realise that we all have wobbly bits and that a decent loving person sees beyond this into our soul. He was no man. A weak pathetic pile of nastiness that you are well rid of! 💞

I do have good bone structure, but nothing will convince me that you are not pretty if you are fat, but magically are when you are thin.

With all due respect (genuinely!), we don’t need to convince you of anything.

We all know our own reality. Weight on / weight off makes a big difference for some people.

I'm thankfully now married to a lovely man, who sees beyond a few wobbly bits and loves me for who I am. Thank God I didn't end up with the type of man who is obsessed with what I look like. Looks fade. We all get older. Most will gain weight. We are best friends and together for life, regardless of wrinkles and rolls.

That’s so kind. Thank you. It was 20yrs ago now. We went on to marry, have two lovely kids, and divorce amicably. We barely had sex thoigh, as I knew I wasn’t attractive to him.
I’m fat these days, but have ten times more sex! 😆

THIS!