Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

Jesus Wept.

What a wagon (your mum). Who does that to a child?

About a decade ago, I lost a huge amount of weight (12st) by completely overhauling my life. I was so incredibly proud of myself, but my mind struggled to keep up with my body, so my confidence was never great, even when I looked amazing (I can see I did, but only by looking back now!)

One day I was with my dad, and he studied my hair for a long time and said "Oh, you're going grey young aren't you". It broke me. I had one or two greys which were barely noticeable, but I'd just spent years getting myself the way I wanted, and then that just brought me crashing back down.

I mean, it wasn't really an issue. I box dye my hair every few weeks, no worries. It just killed me at the time.

Yick 🤢.
She’s had her ups and downs anyway …

Said to me by a shop assistant “do you find it hard to get shoes for your massive feet?” My feet are size 7, I’m 5’10” so I’m well aware I’m much bigger than most other women, but it’s never nice to have it pointed out to you.

I honestly bet I’d think you were fine. I see ugly where there’s nastiness and have a warm rush when I see a face I associate with kindness so some people truly look past objective appearances . You must get some photos taken though because you are special to your dcs and they will want memories of time with you.

Size 7 feet are pretty average. One foot of mine is a six, the other a six and a half. depending on the width of the shoe (I have boat wide feet) I usually end up with a 7. Your feet keep you up, you can't do anything about the size of your feet - but 7 is pretty normal. And if you struggle to find 7s, it's because they are popular, lots of women are 7s. Fuck that shop assistant.

I’d just ask her actually. That’s a worry you can clear up . If she says yes have a laugh and apologise ( pregnancy wardrobes are tricky!) but chances are she was thrilled to see you there 7 months in and making an effort.

I agree. Dcs will wonder why? Your DH obviously loves you. Has someone made you feel like this @YouJustDoYou ?

I was told I was "great fun but certainly not marriage material!"

Silly thing is he probably only said it cos he had an insecurity about how sweaty he was getting !

It is. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it. The degree thing is crazy. It makes me feel sad for them on many levels. There's some extremely poor self esteem going on there.

My mum still refers to "our gcse's" as she helped me study. I'm 37 tomorrow. I wouldn't think about gcse's at all if she wasn't bringing them up. Mental! But I'm trying to be kind whilst maintaining boundaries and self respect for myself and the children. She's the product of her upbringing and education. Mostly I think she can't help it. Doesn't affect me the way it used to since I've had therapy. Water off a ducks back mostly now. Been interesting to watch her adapt since her comments no longer provoke the reactions she's used to.

Next time: “ and do you find it hard to keep friends with your massive mouth?”

Like another poster I was spoken to by a manager at a top car insurance company only 19 at time I was told that there was numerous complaints about me by females due to my looks and clothing. That many are couples in the office and the way I look and dress is causing friction between many couples. She gave me an official warning and called the recruitment agency to complain. I left at lunch and cried my heart out never went back and spent around 3 months home sick with anxiety over what I looked like and people talking about me

Similar here. I've had my fair share of stings from friends, acquaintances etc but the dad ones have hurt the most!

When my first proper boyfriend broke up with me I was 18. I was in bits- first heartbreak and all that- and my mum said: well you have put on some weight.
This was true- I had gained maybe 1-1.5 stone during the relationship but I was no bigger than a12-14 at 5'10. Anyway, 20 years later I still remember those words and they still make me feel ashamed and upset and angry at her.

People are nasty and making mean comments are totally unnecessary.

But if you look at people who are obese and then they lose weight, there are literally 1000’s of videos on social media, nearly all of them go from very ordinary to super attractive,beautiful, pretty etc.

I have this experience personally also, when I am thin I am very attractive ( have been a model) , when I gain weight I just look fat faced with a double chin. It is super hard to keep the weight off as I love eating but I am finally seeing some success with combo workouts with weights.

Just to add I was sacked as I didn't return after lunch and wasn't on the sick... it still haunts me now and I wear baggy clothes no make up havent had hair cut at hairdressers in 8 years and this happened 20 years ago

My grandmother told me when I was 18: “I hate you and everything you stand for”. Made for a tricky Christmas lunch. Then six months after I got married, her daughter (my aunt) congratulated me on losing so much weight since my wedding day. Family relations have never been great 😀

One that gets me (and still hurts 40 years later)....

Year 7 (or First year of secondary as it was then) French trip. Mum had scrimped and saved for it.

Lunchtime - group of girls, we were all discussing who to put down on our "3 preferred roomates" options list in order to manipulate the teachers into putting us together (as you do when you're 12).
After school, I go past the French teachers room to collect something and hear the whole gang of girls asking said French teacher not to put me with them because "She's weird". I ended up in the only twin room with the girl that picked her nose and ate her bogies while the rest had a jolly time in the 8 bed dorm rooms.

Never forgot it, damaged my self esteem for YEARS.

I could still cry for 12 year old me.

Randomly on a post school summer holiday with friends in magaluf 1994 with a guy who kept flirting with me who after a few days said if you lost some weight you would be gorgeous…

we were both 18 (so where had he for this world view from?)
5’7 and I remember I was 60kg as I was thinking about joining the armed forces and needed to know my weight

my weight had never been mentioned to me before or the way I looked and it was such a shock

luckly I didn’t give a shit about the thoughts of some nobber as I was very secure in who I was/am

I totally agree with you.

I am currently clinically obese (and,
to pick up on a pp, a size 12...it is possible to be a size 12 and obese, and imo it's right of HCPs to make patients aware as obesity is associated with negative outcomes, they are doing their job). I am not currently "pretty"...maybe "plump but with a kindly face" but definitely not pretty - obesity has definitely made me look facially less attractive. Before I gained weight, I was definitely more facially attractive. In a totally different league to now. It's the weight gain, nothing else, that's affected my face. I literally look like a different person.

If someone said to me "you'd be pretty if you lost weight" it would sting. But most likely because there is an element of truth in it for me. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was pretty before I gained weight. So they'd be right.

That's not to say you can't be pretty and overweight...some people can pull of both overweight and slim and be pretty both ways. But it's definitely not everyone and it's certainly not me.

😳

They are still attractive when they are overweight though, it's people's perceptions that make them think they look better when they lose weight. I also have personal experience, I know what you are saying, but I have a picture on my bedroom windowsill of me when I was a size 8, i'm now a size 12-14, in between those 2 points I was a size 22-24, but my face is still the same. I mean i'm not pretty so it doesn't affect me really, but I still look the same facially no matter my weight.

Yes it is very interesting when what they say can't provoke anymore. I got to a point where I just thought 'no, no more now, you are not in control of me anymore', and I told her that. Yep, my mum would have you believe that she supported me through all of my studies...the truth is she wasn't really interested, and when I got a letter from the headmaster congratulating me on my GCSE results, she wrote on it telling my brother to take the dog for a walk...I still have the letter. She also let my brothers believe that she financially supported me through Uni, which one of my brothers told me about a year ago (he had been very bitter about it). Truth is, she didn't pay a penny, I paid for everything.

The thing is she knows that if she falls out with me, she has no one to turn to on a day-to day basis, because my brothers aren't there for her - and they somehow don't have this people pleasing infliction. She comes to me for all of the holidays, xmas, easter, mothers day, birthdays...all of them, my brothers don't even check if she has somewhere to go. but if I pull her up on the way she behaves, she says 'Will you stop me seeing the kids?' and I reply: "of course not, they love you, that sounds quite manipulative mum, why would you think I would do that". Then we get the tears and she says: "I'm not manipulative".

I don't want o be in conflict with her, I want to move forward, she just can't seem help herself.

Actually I think quite a lot of people look nicer heavier. I’m not a great fan of the lean, mean, gaunt and wrinkly look some middle aged women go for. They often look so pleased about their waist, with their jeans right up round it and all belted in tight and it makes me think of that comment about having to choose which you care about more: your bum or your face. Or the “ she’s pretty from behind” quip. I wouldn’t be so mean if I thought they were self conscious about their haggard face, except they always look so smug in the way they have dressed. I guess the bottom line is none of us are perfect.