Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

A man that a friend was dating once said I had eyes like a frog.

They are quite large and green. I’ve been complimented on them many times but that comment still bothers me, some 35 years later.

Daft but still… 🤷🏻‍♀️

She said her partner had told* her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted". *

Maybe I'm a glass half full person, but I would have definitely jumped on the good bits from this!

So he was basically saying that you were attractive enough to attract anyone if you just lost a bit of weight.

I would have actually said that was a massive backhanded compliment!

When I was about 18 I had a part time job in a pub for a while. I did waitressing as part of this job. One day I overheard a woman say to her male companion “they’ve all got big bums in here haven’t they”. I was devastated and felt so ashamed and became anorexic and bulimic. People really do need to consider the impact that their words can have on people.

And if I had been the girlfriend I would have been massively pissed off because he was basically saying that he fancied her mate (and put the weight loss thing in to make his gf think friend wasn’t his cup of tea)

I am really quite shocked at how many of these stories are about what mothers have said to daughters, it really is quite upsetting. I thought I had an ok relationship with my mum - until I had my own daughter and it reminded me of some very hurtful things she said and did. It also made me realise that I don't actually think she ever liked me very much (I'm her only daughter, I do have two brothers - who can do no wrong, even though they can't even be arsed with her now). I see how she is with my kids - and she's brilliant, so it makes me sad about how I was treated when I was young.

Her defence for anything mean she said or did is "but you were very strong willed little girl'. I wasn't strong willed, I was a very obedient and compliant child, who was always made to put others first and was destined to be a people pleaser (took me until my 40s to shake that), I was hit regularly with a slipper or flip flop, and just made to feel like a nuisance and the reason for everything bad that happened.

It's such a strange dynamic, but looking back, she has always/since been a bit too gleeful when I fail or flounder. She also rewrites history to an enormous degree. She won't call me on purpose, just to see how long it will take me to call her and then act all hurt if she deemed that it was too long. She also acts very strange and defensive if I try to lay down any sort of boundary in my own house. Too many things to mention here, but I'm interested as to why mothers would purposefully hurt their daughters knowing that misogyny and patriarchy already makes it tough for girls and women.

Looking at some of the other comments on here it looks like lots of posters have had hurtful comments made about their looks which annoys me because it just goes to prove that women are judged too often on their looks whereas men don’t tend to be anywhere near as much.

A boy when I was 14 called me Scabby Abby (I had dry skin due to psoriasis). A man on the bus was mocking my mole on my back when I was 20. A man at work asked what was wrong with
my teeth. All stuck in my mind and I was objectively quite pretty at the time!! Actually it’s now I’m not so pretty - and more confident - that the comments have stopped. It’s almost like men are conditioned to drag down young women 🧐

Right?! My sister recently told me a story where she was giving out plates of food at a party. She then went back around, taking the plates away from all the children who didn't say thank you. She was saying it like she was so proud of herself, and how important manners are. "They soon realised manners matter!"

I'm still regretting to this day I didn't call her out on behaving in such a degrading manner. She's 14 years my senior, a mum of 3 and a childminder. My family are all like it, makes my skin crawl.

Randomly, my mum has never called me pretty. I don’t know if it’s a weird societal thing. I am ALWAYS complimenting my two boys, not just on their looks but their humour, kindness etc, maybe not such a thing with girls in the past.

When I was younger I had my first crush on someone. One day he jokingly said that he would marry me and I said that I was too young to get married. He then turned to me and snarled “who would want to marry YOU?” I was insecure anyway but the comment stayed with me my whole life.

Oh my goodness what you've written here is almost exactly my mother and grandmother to a t!!! Mum is more diluted with my sister and me but can still be totally venomous. My sister is much older, and has gone down the same track as mum/nan. I'm forever grateful I've had experiences in life which have left me brave enough to choose a different path. As well as therapy to resolve much of the hurts. But geeeees, mums and daughters, why such a minefield?! I thought it was genetic to the point when I had a daughter I wept and wept because I thought I was going to f* her up and she was going to have an awful life just because she had me as a mother. In truth, I'm nothing like that side of my family. I cherish and champion my children and we have a very reflective/self aware household. I'll probably still eff them up because...parenting! But they're never gonna get esteem issues from me!

As a fat child from about 9 and an overweight adult I've had a fair few comments but at this stage of my life (40s), I don't think about them much. Luckily I had great parents.

My uncle once saw me in a nightshirt at age 13 and asked 'when's it due?' Like, seriously?

Local priest once commented to my mother in front of me at around the same age 'she's got a very short neck, hasn't she?' I do but I thought it was such a stupid thing to say, it said more about his mentality than about my neck.

A twelve year old friend once asked me when I was fourteen what is was like to be fat. She was very slim in fairness, I think it was genuine curiosity but I never forgot it.

We lived with my granny and she wasn't a very nice person. She once asked my cousin's wife when was she due when she absolutely knew she wasn't pregnant. That lady never came to our house again.

I got all the rest about having buck teeth and specky four eyes but I actually got better looking as I got older & grew into my looks, got contact lenses etc. Still fat though but couldn't care less at this stage, i'm not built to be thin. Got short stature from one side of the family and tendency to weight gain from the other.

I think there was a real fear with past generations that if you complimented a child, particularly a girl, they'd become conceited. In my family this also spilled out to things like being called clever would mean you didn't try as hard, being complimented on a job well done would make you become complacent for future. In order to have someone succeed they must always be taken down a peg or two so they never stopped trying. It's completely toxic and not at all how I approach the world. If someone does a good job, is kind, looks nice, says something kind or funny they're told, whether theyre my children, a friend or a total stranger. I want to always spread more love and kindness. Can't hurt!

About age 12, I tried on a new top I wasn't overly confident about. Mum asked my dad how it looked and he said he could see my nipples though. I had growing breast buds.

Now I know, he meant well and was trying to protect me from embarrassment at school. But it triggered 25 years of body dysmorphia. Thanks dad

The post is about flippant comments and some people clearly want to take offence when none is intended. People go to a doctor and their job is to check on your health and advise you accordingly. If you are going to be humiliated by that, then sorry it’s just daft. The GP doesn’t get any perverse pleasure in telling you are overweight. The same as telling you if you had any other ailment. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks!
You're so right. It takes effort to instill manners in children, I'm sure most of us remember giving the relentless polite reminders of please and thank you through the toddler years. It's not innate in children, it's taught. And if you have parents who don't take a lot of interest, are otherwise occupied by mental health issues/drugs etc, you don't learn to say it on autopilot. It really isn't a reflection on a childs personality.
I already felt aware as a child that I was different, I had a single parent with MH issues and all my friends had family units. I always felt they were wanted and I was an accident, forced upon my mum. So for this parent to confirm all my worst thoughts about myself with this passing comment about being "dragged up" stung me to my core and I remember it vividly 30 years later.

I remember one from 6th form. Me and my friend were giving up chocolate for lent. We were joking around and a couple of the lads said they'd give up wanking (as you do). A few days later we were joking about it it was difficult and my friend was eating an orange and eating it sexily as a joke. She gave me a piece and I joined in and one of the lads said 'doesn't really have any affect from you'.

Funnily enough bumped into him in the pub after moving back home over 10 years later and he didn't recognise me at first. Got quite drunk that night and he had been on and off with a friend in school and I told him I thought he was a dick. We talked loads and he actually tried it on, I was seeing someone so nothing happened but it exorcised a few demoms

"You're not pretty but you are very handsome" - whilst I was having my fortune told 35 years ago. WTF.

No one posted in order to get a lecture. At size 12 it’s unlikely that the poster was obese and even if they were a bit of tact goes a long way.

I know! I just can't fathom it. My kids are adopted, so I have to be incredibly honest with them - about everything. It took me years to get my daughter to trust me to take care of her (I was another mum figure at first, mum had let her down, so why should she trust me). My mum knows how hard we have had to work, and yet sometimes, my mum, seems too go out of her way to undermine me and get my daughter to question me...but she will say she was joking, she didn't think. It's like she's in some weird competition with me that I want no part of. When I got my degree, first in the family - she had to get a diploma...If I mention the way I do things in my own home - I'm having a go at her, 'bullying' her...It's just exhausting.

My mum also thinks that paying her kids compliments will give them a big head, so she always avoided this at all costs.

I just remember growing up being a competition with everyone that I never won. When I was studying law at Uni, I told her I won a prize for getting the best score in a year group of 400 in one subject. I was really proud. Her response without waiting a heartbeat was "yes, but your friend Emma got two".

I was really happy for Emma, who was incredibly clever, really hardworking and a lovely person, but it wouldn't have killed my own mum to say "well done" to me too.

I was at a makeup counter in a posh department store with the assistant applying a deep red lipstick.

I barely wore any make up in my teens and early 20s so I was trying something new, hopefully sophisticated and sexy for a fancy night out.The assistant had been great, discussed various options and recommended this specific one for my colouring so I was feeling good about it.

A man wandered past as she was applying it to me, stopped, looked me in the eye and said "ah, putting lipstick on a pig", laughed to himself and walked off.

I bought the lipstick but 15 years later, I've never worn it or any other bold coloured lipstick.

It's about "fleeting" comments. Not "flippant" comments. It's not about the intention of the person who made the comment.

All these weight related posts make me so angry, i've been fat as fuck for most of my life despite my best efforts, I have a good diet and I exercise, plus my job is physical, so i'm pretty fit, but still fat. I've had all the comments shouted in the street, oinked at, you name the insult i've probably had it.
The thing that annoys me the most are the people who say you'd be pretty if you weren't fat. No that isn't how it works, you are pretty or you aren't, if they were saying oh you are pretty, but i'm not attracted to overweight people then fair enough, but to say someone isn't pretty because they overweight is bollocks.

At about 13/14, my mum flat out said to my face I was fat. In front of my friends.
Cue lifelong disordered eating, including full blown bulimia. Over 25 years later I’ll still never forget it.