Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

"URGH! Not YOU, UGLY!" (two random blokes laughing at me when I turned out to tell them to leave my friend alone). "Woof, what a dog!" (three young guys when they passed me. "You're really quite ugly, aren't you?" (guy in a club, peering at me whilst drunk). "Urgh, look at her fat legs!" (little girl in shop, pointing at me from less than a foot away). And so on.

What is it with that generation and negging?! If I compliment you you'll stop trying, if I tell you you're good at something you won't work as hard, if I praise you you'll become conceited.

Needless to say my children are not left unsupervised with my mother.

I can't even stand to look at my reflection in anything now (I'm 40). There are zero photos of me in the house. Tons of my dh and kids, none of me. I hate mirrors, I hate men who laugh at ugly women like me, I hate my ugly face.

I had popped I to my manager's office to have a quick chat, she shared it with another manager. I left and shut the door and then stopped outside to put my coat on and get my keys out and heard her say "God Weasel always looks such a mess doesn't she?" And they both laughed. I always thought I made an effort to look smart, it really spoilt my relationship with her and still think about it often.

Fucking racists

Oh Hun! Have you considered talking to anyone about it? I had therapy two years ago after a bereavement. I thought we'd spend time talking about my grief but we actually spent a lot of time speaking about my childhood and some damaging things which were said to me. I never wore my hair up, wore yellow or purple, allowed my photo to be taken with glasses on, wore my pjs downstairs (even on Christmas morning) all because of the comments I received when I was young and impressionable. Therapy really helped. I've done all those things now (except for pjs downstairs, still not brave enough for that) and have had the most lovely compliments when I've been brave. It's so nice when you realise those things were far more about the person who said them than about you. I hope you find some peace and love for yourself.

Also, the bereavement was my brother. Who would always say "you do you", your username has brought me a memory of him which I always cherish. So thank you for brightening my day a bit just by being you.

I've said many times on here before, after many miscarriages and the birth of ds2 with a heart malformation incompatible with life, MIL "It's such a shame you can't perform". It was decades ago now. I have still never forgiven her. She's now a very old lady, but it doesn't mean she isn't an utter cow.

Sorry to hear you were offended, but your GP’s job is to tell you if you are unhealthy. Size 12 doesn’t mean you can’t be obese. If you are short and carry weight around your middle you can still be obese. You should take it seriously and lose weight. This is not a flippant comment, the GP weighed you and only stated a fact. And definitely don’t ignore a smear test for any reason. The GP is trying to help, not hurt your feelings.

Wicked old witch. I am crying now, reading this.

I am so sorry and sad to read this. That was completely awful of your grandmother to pass ok to you, even if your mother did say it...which you've only your grandmother's word for. Maybe she didn't say it at all?

I saw a video recently on TikTok of a woman who had just given birth and was on a lot of pain relief...basically off her face.

She was looking at her newborn and going, "What is THAT?! That's not a baby!!! It's funny looking!!! Errr it's creepy." bursting out laughing and then asking again, "what is it?! It's weird looking!!!" and when her partner said it was her baby she was saying "that's not MY baby!!! I don't have a baby don't be daft! I don't like it. Take it away!"

The baby was of course totally normal and adorable looking but the Mum was really confused and unwell as a result of the medication. She'd posted about how upset the video made her and how much she loved her child and how their first moments were ruined because of the effects of the medication.

When my Uncle and Cousin were dying of cancer they were seeing distorted faces and people turning into animals and things...even a very elderly relative who was dying "peacefully" of old age was seeing very odd things.

Maybe your mother was so ill that she was seeing things oddly too?

I'm sure she loved you so much, thought you were a beautiful baby and would be so upset at what your grandmother told you. A little baby like you were could never be a disappointment to her mum. Sending you so much love and wishes for peace and healing for you.

Is someone offering a prize for the least helpful comment?

Growing up, my siblings and I used to tease/squabble. I have a best friend and I used to say horrible things to her in a similar ‘sibling’ way, and I know they stick with her even til this day. I’ve learnt to control and recognise jealousy/think before I speak etc : but I wish I could take back the things I said as a child.

When I was a student And doing a placement I was told by a nurse In front of everybody, (Drs,physios,etc) that I was 'far too beautiful to be overweight and that she was going to do a weekly weigh in with me to help', whilst gesturing me to get on the scales. I was approx size 12 at the time so nothing shocking.

I wasn't too bothered about the comment myself but I was very embarrassed that everybody else seemed to be cringing on my behalf!

How can she be sure it was not her son's fault? Is she a geneticist? Just horrid.

When I had my second miscarriage, the male doctor said to me “at least you have one child already. I have no children” and proceeded to talk about holidays he had in the country I am from.

First proper job at 18 was in a bar. One of the other girls was awful for not showing up, or looking for someone to take her shift at the last minute. I picked up a lot of those shifts. One day after she didn’t show up again the boss said to me “I should just let her go, but we need someone attractive behind the bar.” Now, I know I’m no oil painting but that one hurt. 40+ years later I still can’t take a compliment.

A couple spring to mind.
Years ago when I was 16 working in ‘Safeway’ I was being daft messing about and a woman I worked with and thought was nice said ‘I’m glad I’m not your mother!’ Well as it happens my Mam didn’t want to be my mother particularly either, she’d left me when I was 14.
My brother in law in my house talking to my sis in law, she was saying how good I am I make the curries etc (they’re Bengali) in the end he shouted ‘at the end of the day whites still white!’

My DH’s (ex)mate once told me I was too pretty to be fat!!!
The few extra stone didn’t stop him trying to get into my knickers though! 😂

I badly injured my back while pregnant and the weight of the pregnancy made my spine curve causing very pronounced scoliosis. I also struggled with hyperemisis and was skin and bone by the time my baby was born.

I had then had (one or two) a very painful corrective spinal surgery before my daughter’s christening.

At the christening before the service she said to me, you look much better now at my 60th you looked like a hunchback.

It was like a punch to my gut, it was worse than my worst nightmare of how people viewed me during that time. It had taken considerable courage to go out in the world, start a new job in an industry that values appearance and it was so hard to try and put my game face on and enjoy what was supposed to be one of the most important events in my daughter’s life after such a vicious comment.

I really regret inviting her and FIL plus bil. She had made disparaging comments and laughed about my faith (a made up fairy story according to her) when I asked if she had a family christening gown, but then had the audacity to complain that her other son (bil) wasn’t asked to be a godfather and that the church should have been near their house.

I shouldn’t have been surprised she’s made countless nasty comments over the years, such as also when I was pregnant going on and on on two occasions that my baby would likely have Down syndrome because I was so old.

Recently my partner and I decided that we had had enough of her nasty comments (and her controlling and manipulative behaviour) and we said we needed a break. Two months later she wants to apologise but I’m all out of fucks to give. I don’t want her in my or my daughter’s life and my partner is in agreement.

this thread is actually a good reminder why to keep nasty family away from your daughter’s lives. So many eating disorders and confidence issues cause by vile comments by vile people.

I was 18 and I'd just got a new top & skirt in the post. The blouse had a lace-up opening at the top front. I showed my step df who said (refering to the blouse and my bustline. 'It's supposed to show what you've got, not what you haven't got'. I was mortified.

I was gangly and clumsy as a child and my best friend was petite and did ballet. I wanted to be just like her and I think I went along to one class but probably wasn’t very good - I remember my mum saying I was “too tall to be a ballerina anyway”. She probably meant it to be a nice way of letting me down, but it still stings. I never went back.

I passed my driving test first time, but for a laugh I rang mum and told her I’d failed (intending to quickly say ‘Nahhhhh, course I passed!)

Before I had the chance, she shot back with “Never mind, it was only to be expected.” I’d had lessons with a private instructor so she’d never even seen me drive!

My mother always seemed to be waiting for me to fuck up. Luckily, I was conscientious and hard working, and much more successful than her in the same career.

Oh I so dislike this sort of friends' parent! I remember the type very well from my childhood days too. Snotty and judgemental. It was a horrible thing to say and actually she had zero right to the high ground, because what she did (singling out a guest to criticise and humiliate them) was far more lacking in manners.

I am glad that people these days take more care with what they say to young people. I don’t think what the manager said would get the best out of you. It sounds as though you were just inexperienced and it was their job to teach you.

My ex DH once laughingly said ‘you’re really not that bright are you?’. I remember thinking at the time those words would come back to haunt him …