Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

I wonder if you're my sister @goodnessmeits2024 as my mum said that about me to my sister. Mind you she told me that my sister was the clever one which took years to leave me.

I had a weird phase of terrible spots in my 20s, and absolutely nothing over the counter or routine based shifted it. A long term friend I was dating suggested that if I washed more I wouldn't have spots. It horrified me that's what he thought and made me so paranoid that's what everyone thought. I didn't date anyone else for a long time, basically unitl my skin randomly cleared up over night a couple of years later.

It's not the most hurtful thing anyone has said to me, but it's one I weirdly think about alot. To be so close to someone; I thought I was falling in love with a trusted friend, only to realise they didn't think you had a basic standard of hygiene. It stung.

Trigger warning!

I'm nc with my mother (and she wonders why)

I was raped by a friend of mine-he was a nice bloke,until he wasn't

I didn't tell a soul for 3 months but was encouraged to go to the police in the end

A few days later,a friend who I trusted opened her big trap and my mother found out

She dined out on this-not knowing the finer details didn't stop her,what she didn't know she made up

A friend of hers found out,and was really worried about me and asked my mother if I was coping/was OK/dealing with everything and could she help me in any way?

My mother laughed 'oh Katherine,shes fine,she didn't know she'd been raped until the cheque bounced'

I know that's an unfunny joke from only fools and horses,but she may as well have stabbed me with a knife-I lost part of my soul that day

My own mother

What’s wrong with some men? This sort of rampant misogyny is just awful. Not on the same level but I pulled in ( on my bike) between two parked cars so a van could drive past. I looked towards the driver to see if he’d acknowledge it, maybe with a nod or hand raise, instead he leaned out of his car and yelled “ what the fuck are you looking at”?

an old year 11 teacher told me she couldn't tell if my currently plain face was going to be one of those girls who blossoms as they get older, or if i was going to go the other way... problem was i really looked up to her.

I was at a wedding in Souther Europe. It was very hot and I was 7 months pregnant. I wore a nice navy linen dress with small white flowers, had my hair done and wore nice sandals. I thought I looked nice. One of the guests said to me “Oh did you not know the wedding was going to be more formal” implying I looked too casual.

I still feel awful thinking about it and it was 9 years ago. It was my best friend’s weddinf and to this day I worry she thought I hadn’t made enough effort.

Another example. I was at one of the lowest places in my life when this happened - I suffered from horrendous agoraphobia and it was a win to just get up and dressed in those days. I managed to drag my arse to the local shop and upon exiting a man went to hold the door open for me, remarking how he was a gentleman and should always let ladies pass. He then looked at me more closely and commented that I was " no lady though " so swung the door back in my face. I didn't attempt to go out for a few more months after that one.

Also when I was 8 months pregnant, a gay man said to me (he was friend of a friend) in disgust: are you sure it’s not twins.

My mum

• I couldn't appear in the newspaper with her and have my picture taken because the slimmer of the year couldn't have a fat daughter (I was 11)
• she was worried that I would get so overweight I wouldn't be able to have children (I was 13)

Needless to say I have had a fucked up relationship with food since my early teens and I pretty much blame her entirely.

I just wanted to say that I definitely said to woman in work "are you sure it's not twins?" with a big laugh/smile, when she was pregnant. I was about 20, and I was something I had heard elders say/heard on tv. She was 10 years older than me and looked hurt. I feel really bad now. Especially since I've been through it myself.
I was just repeating what I thought was a "done" joke/small talk. I really meant nothing by it.

Trying on some clothes handed down from cousin. Grandmother was visiting (very rare occurance, not GM to cousin). Showing off a lovely pinafore dress. "Oh you are too fat for that".
Then carried on chatting to my parents who never said a word about her comment. I didn't try on & show any more clothes. Was so hurt

I was a tall, slightly chunky 10 yo. But made to feel huge.

A few years later my aunt (dd of GM above) was talking about her dd putting on a bit of weight. Said must be just down to heading into puberty.
And totally in denial added "But of course she's nowhere near as big as you were Coffee". Bitch!!!!
16 yo me was gobsmacked. I left & never went back to her house.

I have two that have had lasting impressions on my sex life and both happened about 25 years ago when I was at uni. I think 1998. I think it is relevant to say that I was quite sheltered when I was young, strict Catholic family and I’m not a rebel.

One, a male friend and I were discussing oral sex (I’d never done it although that wasn’t actually part of the conversation) and he said how much he liked it “but she’s got to be clean. It’s gross if she’s not clean”. Since then I’ve always been paranoid and never really felt comfortable receiving or liked giving.

I had a crush on a regular customer at a bar I worked at. One night he came round with a group of friends and all got rather drunk. we ended up making out in my room. I was totally into it when all of a sudden, he stopped and said “oh, you’ve pissed on me”. I said “no I haven’t” and he replied “you did. Feel my back, it’s soaking”. It just felt sweaty, the bed wasn’t wet or anything. He didn’t seem totally horrified but the mood was ruined so we stopped and he left. To this day, I have never fully let myself go in bed again because, despite the bed not being noticeably wet, I’m not confident that i didn’t thus I won’t pee when I’m totally letting go. He probably doesn’t even remember me. The impact that comment has had on my sex life to this day has been really sad. I feel for my husband of 20 years but I just can’t fully immerse myself because of that comment.

Ex boyfriend

"You're not ugly, you're just really average. I wouldn't pick you out of a crowd"

"You're too difficult to love"

"It's unrealistic to think you'd be in a relationship where you won't be cheated on"

@Sharontheodopolodous how horrendous. I'm so glad you're nc. ❤️

Aged 11, just after the death of my lovely paternal grandmother, I witnessed my father telling my mother "Now my mum has died I won't be seeing hot2trotter anymore, I only took you to court for access to her because my mum forced me to - I never actually wanted her". Shortly after, I heard that he'd had the tattoo of my name covered up. I no longer existed to him.

It's amazing how comments can just return to us at times of stress. I think it's best to just acknowledge them without dwelling but it's sometimes easier said than done.

My grandma was always trying to get me to wear t-shirt dresses, I would only wear them with jeans underneath. I was told I'd never attract a bloke. I didn't care at that time and still don't.

But on Monday a dpd driver ignored a giveaway sign and was being pipped for blocking a lane, so in return she decided to abuse me. All I did was point out the giveway sign She'd ignored. The tirade of abuse was horrendous, calling me a fat batch inbetween all the effing and jeffing, horn pipping and jesticulating. I've got anxiety so when I got home i refused to go out for 2 days. I've had to force myself out. Worse thing is, I have a small business and all mu suppliers use dpd. I've got her reg number and her ignoring the giveaway sign on my dash cam so just trying to decide whether to complain. I certainly don't want to vote face to face with her again. I had my 80 year old mum with me.

Hey, hon, that is nothing - at least you were afforded a conditional right to find love. My 'well-meaning' friend said to me, answering the same questions : "Why do you necessarily need to love a man? You can love nature, you can love your friends, your sisters, you can love your pupils'....

I was lying on the living room floor tapping my stomach.

my mum said you should stop jiggling your fat and do something about it. I was 13. Years of disordered eating later and she still makes me cringe when complements women solely on their looks.

I have learned to hate the phrase ‘lovely and slim’. I have only very recently realised she is shallow and a bit thick😊.

Being called ‘Two Tonne Tessie’ by a department store Santa Claus.

I was 8

An ex bf told me his best friend had said ‘I’m nothing to write home about,’ while I was still with him! Just out on a date and told me that. Still think about it.

That's horrible

I far more often have these things about stuff I've said or done. Like once when I was a young teenager a friends mum asked if I would like lasagne for dinner, I asked if it was beef lasagne to which she replied it was. And I MEANT to say 'oh no thank you then if that's okay' but I got myself completely tongue tied and ended up saying 'no then, okay?!' in what felt like a rather aggressive tone. I was only about 14, I didn't know this woman and I wanted the ground to swallow me right there and then. In reality she's probably never even given it a second thought other than being slightly taken aback in the moment. I am a very polite person ordinarily, I'm sure in the years of friendship I had with her daughter afterwards I more than made up for that one slip up...yet 23 years later it still makes me cringe.

This whole thread makes me think of that sunscreen quote "remember compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how".

I know! One of the many reasons he’s my ex!

The man looked really disgusted at my belly. He was an adult and fully aware what he was saying. Think he wanted to tell me I was too fat.

When my mum was in hospital (she subsequently died) my Maternal grandmother took me in to see her, I was 12 months old.
Grandmother told me at some point in my formative years that my Mum had looked at me and said 'you're not the pretty little girl you used to be'. That crushed me for decades - the thought that I had disappointed my dying Mum. I'm actually tearing up as I write this.
Years and years on I thought she had probably meant that my Gran had failed to pretty me up for the visit but who knows?