Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

I was very shy as a youngster, all through my teens and twenties, I was quiet in groups.
one evening mum gave me and a friend a lift and I was chatting to ‘friend’ about a job interview I was nervous about. She said ‘just pretend you’ve got a personality’.
30 years later it still hurts - my mum didn’t say anything in my defence either and I’ve always hoped it’s because she didn’t hear 🫤

At a friend's birthday party aged about 8, sat around the food table, the mum was handing things out. She said "who would like a bit of pizza?" And I said "me", a couple of others said "me please", the mum gave me a side glance and said "you can tell those that were brought up and those that were dragged up". (Because I didn't say please).

I had a turbulent childhood which the mum would have known. I felt so much shame at the time and still remember the burning feeling of being singled out as bad/wrong/less than. But now I think, what a fucking horrible thing to say. Especially knowing about my home life.

Oh yes

When I was about 15, some random people (mother and daughter) called me a mongrel. I'm mixed race. I was just sitting on a bench chatting to my friend.

Early twenties a very competitive frenemy-type female colleague commented to me out of the blue on another girl who worked in our team saying "X is very good looking". She then went on to say "I suppose you are very attractive but I do not think that you are at all conventionally good looking." Somehow I had the presence of mind to say "Well there are enough people who matter to me who do and thankfully I don't give a f**k what you think."

They’re quite good teeth actually - before and after!

Reading some of these comments, makes me realise that words really can hurt
i used to go out to pubs with 2 other girls; they both met boyfriends, and I remember overhearing someone saying ‘ a and b have got boyfriends, what about c(me)? she’s got no one
A seemingly harmless comment, but I have never felt so alone
i believe the comment pushed me to go out with the first man that asked, whether I liked him or not
i often think about the comment at random times

A team manager of mine when I was still youngish and trying to establish myself in a new job-“ you don’t get anywhere by being nice tiny” to put me down in front of colleagues. He was known as an aggressive twat and I lasted a year in the job before resigning because of his bullying.
Strangely he then popped up as a bake-off contestant years later - playing the nice guy and got to the semi’s , so it seems playing the nice guy did get him somewhere. Total tool.
I manage a team now and he’s my template of what not to do.

My ex MIL told me that 'I'd be quite pretty if I lost weight!'
Ex-hubby ( yes....one of the reason he's now an ex) laughed like a drain.

Present hubby told me, that he could see I'd put on weight because my "legs were getting thick"

What is it with people who think it's okay to comment on your weight.... I don't go around telling people they look like a bulldog licking pee of a thistle.... so why is the fact I'm no Kate Moss seem to be everyone's business !!!!!

Disgusting. I’m sorry. That’s other level .

The whole point if manners is to put others at ease so who was the clueless ill mannered one: her!

I have quite a generous bum...i have had negative comments all my life (even from family members) about it. Thankfully i am now with a man who adores it....however 30 years of negative comments cannot be undone and its the one part of my body i absolutely loathe.

My mother told me many times there was no point in me trying with make up as it can only enhance looks. But what stung was using the mirror in the school toilets and a girl.looked at me smoothing out my hair and also used the 'not much point is there?" Lone when I grabbed my (secret from my mother) lipstick. I don't wear make up

When I was in college my friends at the time used to often tell me while I was mid conversation - ‘god you talk a lot of shit’

I think they were joking to make other people laugh at my expense but now at nearly 33 I’m absolutely terrible at making conversation with people because I’m worried I’m boring them or they are counting down the seconds for me to shut up.

I’m ok if other people lead the conversation but otherwise its awkward silence from me

I hope karma got her. She'd be arrested nowadays. Evil bitch 🤬

I do remember my grandparents talking about me and my sister in front of us. They went on and on about how 'Scarlett is the academic, intelligent one' and 'sister is the pretty and graceful one'. I remember just thinking that they were saying I was ugly. I suspect my sister thought they were saying she was stupid.

I was working for the NHS and the head of my section told me that I shouldn’t apply for a certain job because she didn’t think I had what it takes to communicate with doctors.

I am still furious at that comment, 50% of my family are doctors, the rest are lawyers and I had been perfectly able to communicate with vice chancellors, ambassadors and even a presidential candidate in a regular basis, but this woman who had barely finished a year of university thought I was not up to the job because I was a “foreigner”, even when most doctors I was meant to talk to were foreign as well and with the same upbringing as mine.

The other one was a useless manager at a university I worked for insisted in using MS word as Excel, so every Friday we all had to spend the morning updating information cell by cell in the MS word table she used as a spreadsheet. So I said, would we be better off if we move this data into excel? To which she replied “of course not. We don’t do that in this country” with absolute disdain.

🤬

I hope that this thread will maybe make some people think twice before they comment (myself included)
We all need to choose our words carefully, imagine if we were on the receiving end and how we'd feel.
Words can cut so very deeply.
Some of the posters experiences are brutal and so much worse than my experience. 💐💐

When I was 16 Britney Spears sometimes music video was on, it was Christmas Day. My dad pointed out what a mess I was compared to her.

I was twenty-one and looked my best ever (although I didn't realise it at the time).
I had a very handsome husband (still together after fifty years).
Some silly old fool came over at a family party and said " Ooh you're are not as bonny as your mother"
I regret to this day not smacking the silly old bastard around the chops.

I was an extremely, painfully shy child, teenager, adult. Took a lot of effort to try to change that. Anyway, aged about 23, I overheard my mum & one of her friends talking about me (I think they were discussing my dismal social life, due to aforementioned shyness) & my mums friend said something about how I came across as being "stuck up". Umm, no. Quite the opposite. Made me feel more self conscious, wondering if people thought i was up myself. But thanks......

I'm very careful with what I say to people because I know that something that's off the cuff to one can really hurt another. Besides, there's never any need whatsoever to say something negative to someone, really why on earth would you?!

Mine was when I was a teenager at school. We were talking about who was pretty, who wasn't pretty, ugly also came up and then plain. I was told I was plain. It was matter of fact as if I knew that and there was nothing wrong with being plain. I guess there isn't but I think I'd have rather been called ugly because I could work with that or at least know it wasn't true. Plain feels like no on sees you, you're just nothing at all really. In recent years, probably the last decade or so I've got over it but for years I never ever thought I "looked good enough" no matter how good I looked. I've been told since that of course I'm not plain but it's hard to hear the good for the bad.

I think most of us, when we're growing up, want to be pretty or beautiful and it's hard to accept sometimes when you just aren't.

I can't tell you how much I wish you had said that! 😂😂

@HoorayFriday I've had many men say this sort of thing to me, my dad used to tell me from age 14 that "all the boys would fancy you if you lost weight" He would tell me that other people had commented I was pretty but if I lost weight I'd be stunning (quite sure he was making this up based on who had apparently said this)

Some boyfriends have done it, male friends, random men at parties lecturing me about how attractive I'd be if I lost weight, etc etc . I was always carrying a bit of extra weight but I had a pretty good figure. Now I'm actually fat and nobody does it now haha.

It's always arrogant dickheads who like to remind you that as a woman your purpose is to look nice for men IMO.

My best friends mother, introduced me to her work colleague as 'Fatty' at age 7. Nearly 40 years later its still cuts. I guess it isn't a surprise that her daughter had anorexia in her teens.
I don't blame anything on it, my weight is my responsibility, but you look back at pictures and realise that all those years you firmly believed you were obese when you weren't, set your self esteem up for a lifetime battle with weight.