There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

spend Father’s Day with your dad! You never know how many you have left with him.

Mother’s day is same. Kids in morning then go to the mums later - you alternate who the kids go with.

why can’t you spend the day with your kids and meet your MIL for a pub lunch somewhere? Just because you wouldn’t care about seeing your grandchildren on Mother’s Day (haha, you will!) doesn’t mean she has to feel the same. It’s pretty clear you don’t like her.

you alternate who the kids go with.
Surely the kids go with their mum every year. It’s Mother’s Day, not mother’s morning and dad and grandma afternoon. And once old enough to choose wouldn’t most kids on Mother’s Day want their mum?

See I think to a large degree the mothers who are still caring for their children should be prioritised. It's a 'thank you' from them

So if my children want to spend MD with just their own children that would be fine by me. I've had my turn. I know my kids appreciate me.

you alternate who the kids go with

But...it's mother's day? Why would they alternate spending half the day with mum and half with dad on mothers day?

Just like on fathers day they do what he wants to do as their father?

I'll probably be a bit flamed for this but part of me does wonder if many of the replies thinking OP is unreasonable come from mums of sons who don't want to accept that there may be a time when their potential grandchildren don't spend mothers day with them because their DIL will be the mother.

I see my kids and my mum on mothers day and my husband can go and see his mum. The kids don't need to see MIL on mothers day....some of these replies are odd

Why not arrange something for all of the Mums, you your Mum and MIL say a pamper session then all have a meal or afternoon tea together or whatever works but be together to celebrate being mothers?

You are coming across as very selfish and hard work.

This is the problem with putting too much emphasis on how a day should look. It’s not about that one day, it’s about all the things you do and love you show every day of the year.

Ironically you are spoiling that one day by thinking it’s all about you.

At least you can make sure you do what you want to do on fathers day this year OP. Your husband would be very selfish to think the day should he about him, as a father.

Heaven forfend a mother makes Mother’s Day about herself!

Sorry not sure I understood all the arrangements but
You spend the day with your kids if that's what you'd like
He spends the day with his mum but he should also treat / make a fuss of you a little as you gave two babies and he can cook something etc

I'm so confused, in no way have I said I hate my MIL and don't want her to see her son or grandkids. I would JUST like to do something for myself on Mothers Day without getting any shit for it, and my MIL or my husband shouldn't get to dictate where my kids go when I already want to plan something with them.

I agree with you!

Obviously there's a spectrum of opinion here, but imo YANBU - it's mother's day. It's not grandmother's day or mother in law's day.

DH should send his mum flowers and a card, and if he really wants to, see his mum himself. She can see her grandchildren any other weekend of the year and should leave mother's day to their mother...

(Although phrasing this way makes it sound like MIL problem whereas kinda sounds like it's your husband being pushy about this).

If I become a grandmother one day, I would absolutely expect my son to make the mother of his children the focus of their mother's day, not me! Just as she should receive a greater share of his loyalty and affection in general. I would like to think I'll have enough of a life outside of my adult children to cope with their spouses being the priority...

I understand you OP. Your DH's refusal to properly engage in the run-up, and then making pass-add digs, is simply not on.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain how stressful you find this and work out a compromise going forward. A minor celebration like Mothers Day is just supposed to be a bit of fun,it shouldn't be taking up this amount of emotional effort and aggro.

The replies on this thread are insane for a platform dedicated to motherhood!

Once you become a mum, mothers day is about YOU! yes it's nice to see your mum and your dh to see is but the important thing is doing what YOU want with your kids, it's literally a whole day about you being a mother. All I want to do every year is spend the day with my kids, my mum had me for 20 odd years and my dh's mum for 30 odd etc. Some years we see either or both on mothers day, others we don't.

You need to reexplain to your husband that mothers day is your day to choose how you and the kids spend it and reiterate if he wants to see his mother that's fine, the kids can see her the day before but you want to stay home all day and enjoy the day being with the kids in all the glory mothers day is about. And if he goes on again about the kids not seeing his mum on the day itself, tell him they're not HER kids, she is not their mother and therefore doesn't need to see them on that given day.

Mother's Day is about you your children and your mum.
Your DH involvement is to see his mum and to thank her and you as your children are too young to do anything themselves

YANBU - I think when you have little children, you should get priority over Mother’s Day - MIL has had decades of it !!

It really irritates me when Grandparents insist on being centre stage on occasion days. My MiL insists that she has to see her grown children on their birthdays because she gave birth to them - no compromise on day before / day after etc it has to be on the day regardless of the fact my DH shares his bday with one of my close family members and occasionally we would like to see my family member on their bday too.

It can be so exhausting trying to manage both sides of the family, you’ll never please them all so do what you want. If it means that much to Dh then he can go round to his Mum’s, and you can do what you want with your kids.

This is why we don't 'do' MD/FD in our household. I watched my mother tie herself in knots with her mum, and then pile a bunch of expectation on her children by way of compensating for the resentment she felt, and get angry if we weren't quick enough out of the blocks on the morning of MD, or if we'd forgotten the card or whatever. It was all rather joyless, which was never the intention.

It's just another Sunday. Do something nice on the day, that suits you. Or do something nice on the day that suits your DH, and then do the thing that you want to do on the following Sunday, or whenever. Or on the evening of Friday 8, which is International Women's Day, if you like the idea.

Life gets more complicated as you get older - people move away, they're busy, they're not necessarily around for 'big days' like birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I find a good answer to this is to double up on celebrations and have more fun, more often, over a number of occasions.

Yes thank you.
Its not a MIL problem, its my DH problem. This whole post is about how he approaches mothers day, how his feelings/guilt and expectations of what mothers day should be with his mum completely ruins what mothers day looks like for me because he refuses to do things without his sister and the kids and unfortunately sometimes theres a clash.

I have 2 kids (DD and DS), its not grandmother's day. When my DD is older I expect her to make the day about her as a mother and similarly I expect my DS to make the day about the mother of his children (if thats what he wants to do) im defo not going to cry over one day I cant see my grandkids.

Gosh the entitlement is palpable. And quite ugly.

Yes I dont even desprive my MIL of seeing her son and kids. She sees the kids 1-3 times a week, all special occasions like birthdays, Christmas, religous days, even fathers day is spent with her. I find it so confusing that the one day I'm supposed to make about my self, i'm getting called a selfish drama queen. If I called my MIL right now and told her that this is all happening she would tell me and DH to sack it off and go away for the weekend. Its my husbands inability to manage his expectations and feelings.

I've started a new tradition / approach- I have no mum, but make the day a focus for a fun or quality time with each of my children. I found a big dinner didn't do it for me - either I was the one cooking or the restaurants were fully booked or we went but it felt sort of generic not intimate. This year I am doing something with each of the children - something I like but something they also will enjoy just to spend some quality 1:1 time together.
I've started thinking - if I was gone tomorrow what will my children have to remember.

Yes, especially when my husband and MIL feel so entitled to a day dedicated to me, a mother of the children I want to spend time with. Very very ugly indeed.