There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable and whilst I appreciate that everyone is different, I think you guys are making this way too much hard work!

It's Mother's Day. A fantastic opportunity for card shops etc to make a ton of money!

Why your DH has to arrange a visit to see his mum with his sister is ridiculous but i also think you're being a bit precious with your attitude too.

All go and spend an hour or so with his mum then an hour or so with your mum and then the afternoon to do whatever you want. He doesn't need to coordinate with his sister. She's an adult!

Oh and I'd stop the whole Father's Day worshipping. You can thank someone and appreciate them without making such a huge deal of the day.

This could all be resolved with way less drama!

Well it's going to feel sour whatever you do now. Mother's Day is meant to be happy and fun. You and your husband don't seem to like each other.

I don't understand why you need to be with your kids all day. It seems very rigid and controlling. Your husband sounds annoying but the whole thing feels petty

I’m not fussed about mothers day but it’s pretty straightforward, everyone with their mums.

OP can see her mum her children can see their mum and Dh can see his own mum. MIL is not the childrens mum.

Do brunch with his mum then you have the rest of the day.

He has a mum too, you dont call top trumps. Your children will be adults one day

We used to all go to a sibllings house. Have lunch/brunch altogether its a nice way to celebrate all the mums

Oh nd fathers day it’s perfectly reasonable for him to spend the day with the kids and OP to spend it with her dad.

Sorry @Asher09 but you’re a silly woman to cause all this grief over mothers day

its a hallmark cards marketing event!

even so, if you’re falling for that nonsense, it’s for ALL mothers. Your mum, your dh mum and your dc mum.

you could get everyone together if you wanted to, or you could at the very least encourage your h to take the kids over to see his mum. You don’t get to steal her Mother’s Day, you can’t monopolise your h and your kids.

Think! when your dc are older and have kids of their own, you’d be fine with spending the day without seeing them? Yeah, thought so.

stop being such an idiotic drama queen and think about the bigger picture.

You sound pleasant. Thanks for reminding me to hug my kids more 😆

why is the choice doormat or drama queen? goady af reply MzHz

I don't think op is being ridiculous. My parents and my in laws live far away. We usually split the day between them which means my entire mother's day is about both of them getting to do what they want. Its not always easy logistically to please everyone. Sometimes I would love to just have some time the three of us to enjoy doing what we want.

I agree it's not grandparents day, it's your dh responsibility to make suitable plans with his mum and for some reason he seems to be quite rigid with this. I would be alternating seeing one of your mums the day before and then splitting mothers day with the other so you're all seeing everyone that weekend but you have the afternoon to yourselves. And I see no reason for it to revolve around your sil. You make the plans that suit you all and mil and go with those and if sil fits in with it then great, if not she does her own thing. I think when you're married with kids you can't expect to separate to just prioritise your family every year, there's normally an expectation that you'll alternate somehow. The only caveat to that is if there has been a recent loss etc and one mum would be spending the day alone.

I think you're unreasonable not to consider your dad in order to suit your dh. He should be juggling like everyone else does.

I don't understand why he thinks his mother needs to see her grandchildren on mothers day. It's weird. Why does he not feel his presence is the important thing? I think that as a father of young children he should me helping the children make a fuss of you. When we were young my parents just sent cards and presents to our grandmothers but we spent the day together as a family. When my son and stepchildren have kids I wouldn't expect them to be trailing to see us on mother's/ father's days but enjoying the day together. Some parents of adult children are selfish. The husband here sounds whiny and unconcerned about his wife. There are other days to visit his mother.

Lol are you feeling alright?

Mothers Day may not mean anything to you but it does to me

It is mother's day for all and so all mothers should spend it with their kids.

Not all families get a long to have them together. I'm not stealing HER mothers day' shes spending time with HER kids and I'd like to spend time with mine, last I checked grandmother's didnt give birth to their grandkids - right?

I have 2 kids, my expectations are for them to see me not my grandkids. Even then if they couldn't I wouldn't be so hellbent about it. Grandkids go with mum on mothers day, simple.

God I would have failed as a mother if I raised a child like you.

My parents and my in laws live far away. We usually split the day between them which means my entire mother's day is about both of them getting to do what they want.

Why though? DH can go to MIL but you should be with your children and mum.

What happens on Father’s Day?

You sound very difficult, OP. I feel very sorry for your DH and your kids if you're always like this.

Lighten up. Take the kids to see Granny - it's what normal people do.

You might feel very differently when you are a grandma and every year the other grandma gets to see your grandchildren and you never have a turn 💁🏼‍♀️.

I would say whatever we do Mother's Day we will repeat on father's day.

I'm not that insecure in my relationship with my kids that I will feel some type of eay with them spending time with other family members - my role in the family will always stand wether kids or grandkids come to me.

Since both of your Mums provide care it would be nice to pop in for a coffee with each of them. Give them a card. 30 mins at each and then leave. Could be free by 10 or 11. Tour of duty done.
Then go off and do 'Mother's Day' things with you husband and kids.
Or if you don't want him there go off with the kids on your own.

Again, thank heavens DH is the only passive aggressive one in your house, right?

Exactly this. To me mothers day has been about celebrating or appreciating your mum, so DH can go and see HIS mum, OP can go and see HER mum and their children can spend the day with THEIR mum (OP).

Just like on fathers day, I would expect DH to prioritise seeing his dad, not mine and if he wanted to spend the day with our children as their father I'd expect them to go with him.

it’s not about envy that your children are spending time with other family members-its about wanting to spend time with grandchildren, surely. You may feel now that you won’t be bothered about your grandchildren, but most grandparents feel like they really do when the time comes .

I don’t see his issue. He can spend Mother’s Day with his Mother, you spend it with your Mother, the kids spend it with their Mother.

He gets to do whatever he wants with the kids on Father’s Day, because he’s their Dad. You don’t kick off about that do you?

It’s just what happens in families when both sets of grandparents are still around, someone might feel left out but it sounds like if he wasn’t such a slave to his sister’s plans his Mum might actually get to see the grandkids more around Mother’s Day.

This, basically.

For the “this is unfair” crowd: sometimes life is unfair! Sometimes the mother of small children can be prioritised over the mother of adult children who’s had her turn at Mother’s Day with small children, and still gets her turn with her adult children. Big whoop MIL doesn’t see her grandchildren on Mother’s Day: she’s not their mother and it’s not grandmother’s day.

It’s like threads where the OP wants her mum immediately after the birth, not her MIL, as is her right as the patient: posters get up in arms about the “unfairness” there too, once again deprioritising the new mum.

It’s OP’s day to spend as she wishes as a mum: with her children. She also wishes to spend it with her mum. She’s not preventing her DH celebrating his mum.

(And I say this as someone whose big wish for Mother’s Day is for someone to take both of my children away all day. If it’s my day I don’t want to take the four year old to a soft play party or have the baby put pasta paw prints on me.)

She also might not. It’s pointless to say wait til you’re a grandmother. She may feel the same even then or her own children may not have kids of their own.

Right now, the plan she had is perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with seeing both mums on the Saturday and OP spending Mother’s Day with just her children.

You might feel very differently when you are a grandma and every year the other grandma gets to see your grandchildren and you never have a turn 💁🏼‍♀️

But it's not grandmother's day...

Sure you might want to see your grandchildren, I'm sure plenty of grandparents do. But the day isn't about grandmother's, it's about mothers. And if OP, as a mother, wants to spend mothers day with her children then why shouldn't she? The MIL can spend the day with her child, the husband considering she's his mother.

I just couldn't imagine my own MIL being funny about me, our child's mother, spending mothers day with my child and not bringing them to her.

My husband should make a fuss of MIL on mothers day because she's his mother.

I mean I don't personally make a big fuss of mothers day anyway but it's not complicated.

YABU.

It's my first Mother's Day this year, so yes, I want to choose the flow of the day, but there's room for everyone.

(My husband's suggestion that I rush through my preferred activities with the baby so that we could go to the 6h long ILs party to be told my baby is bratty by his great Aunt was not met with favour!)