There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

Take the two children out for the day on your own. Leave DH out of plans. He's just spoiling it.

Why do so many posters think you are trying to stop your husband seeing his mum 😂

Honestly I would love this!!! But my Mil and mum aren't there yet with their relationship so I think that would be more stressful for me

This sounds exhausting - all of you with your needs and wishes. Can’t you just pretend the following Sunday is Mother’s Day and have it all your way than? It’s only a week to wait…

Yes and that’s ok.

I guess its a cultral thing. Sometimes it means that sons are stupidly, unhealthily close to their families. My husband has struggled a lot with setting healthy boundaries with them and it has caused a lot of issues. MIL and SIL have played puppet master all his life so I guess its conditioning? Hence the expectations and guilt when it comes to these occasions.

Oh dear … 😕

Not seeing much light at the end of this tunnel. Did you not meet the family before you married?

When my kids were small, the thing i wanted most on Mother's day, was some time away from them (although I was a widowed single parent and I never ever got any time 'off'). I would have liked a DH that took the kids out for a few hours to see his own mother, leaving me to do something nice for me.

I'm struggling to see what you have done wrong.
To me, you are the mother of your children and so should be with them on Mother's Day.
You want to see you mother on Mother's Day so you make plans to do that.
Your children stay with you as it's Mother's Day so you want to spend the day together.
Your husband goes to see his mother.

On Father's Day, he spends the day with the children and his father?
You spend the day with your father (presuming both are around, apologies if not).

It's Mother's Day not grandparents day or Father's Day!

I meant for the afternoon bit. I actually saw it as a nice break for the op to get a bit of time with just her mum!

Ah you sound so lovely x

OP, Am I right in thinking that as a mum to young children, you want to spend the day with them? AND as a daughter you also want to spend the day or at least part of it with your own mum? Therefore it means that your mum will, by default spend some time with her DGC? I don't see anything wrong with that at all, as your DH gets to spend time with his own mum as he should.
If your DH doesn't see this logic then I guess the only way to keep everyone happy would be to invite everyone over for a 'bring a dish meal' that way you can all be together. Other than that I have no idea....good luck

Yes thats literally it. The past 2 years I've wanted to be with my kids AND see my mum briefly for breakfast before doing my own thing - giving my mil the whole day on Saturday. Its never intentional for me to get my mum to see the kids it literally happens by default.
This year I was thinking a little different, split the Saturday with my mum and MIL and spend Mothers day myself with the kids.
I haven't even said every year I want to see my mum, its just likely I would. I also haven't ever caused any problems with my DH seeing his mum both days.

I would love to host a mothers day with both families but I think thats more for the future. I think for that to work successfully both families have to get a long which doesnt always happen.

I don't think he's being unreasonable, as long as he'd also be willing to spend father's day with your dad and the children some years so that your dad could see his grandchildren on father's day.
Some families do extend mother's day and father's day to grandparents, it sounds like your ideas of what the day should be about are mismatched.

What is all this crap about Father’s Day? It’s even more made up than Mother’s Day, and honestly who gives a toss. Why would a man who spends everyday with his kids get wound up about being with his kids on “Father’s Day”. If anything id think people would want it as an opportunity to take a break. Some people are so odd.

I mean he's said he would prefer not spend Fathers Day with my dad when its his day with the kids.... I've never argued with it because I agree. Our mismatch comes from exactly that, I expect the same understanding in return for Mothers Day. It just seems a little unfair.

But it’s not ok when it’s causing ructions within a family.

Yes well that is unfair then. He should give your dad the same consideration that he wants you to give to his mum. I'd bring that up with him and see if you can find a way forwards.

I understand that these days may not mean anything to you but they do to some of us. Everyone is different. My husband and I both work and dont spend that 'time' with the kids as we would like to. I think Mothers Day and Fathers Day is great way to appreciate yourself, eachother and the kids, even if it is just for that one day. Some of us aren't fed up of our kids and actually want to spend time with them and make memories. I see going to work, gym etc as a break. Each to their own

You have a 3 year old and you aren’t fed up with your kids? 😂😆 Tell me howwww 😭😭😂

You both need to grown up and it sort out like adults ffs

...because we work and the kids are either at nursery or with grandmothers being looked after. We no longer do the tedious day to day stuff, by the time we see them its dinnertime/bedtime. We really only have weekends together. I'm sure i'll get to a point where I will get fed up with them and want some sort of break lol but I'm just not there yet.

I do take the kids to see 'Granny' on 'Mothers Day' ....just not ON Mothers Day if I have decided I want to do something else or see someone else.

Your kids are similar ages to mine and like yours, both our mums live locally.

We arrange it where I get my cards and dodgy gifts from the kids first thing, we then go visit either my mum to drop off flowers/cup of tea then on to MIL’s to do the same. Then out for a walk/Sunday lunch with DH cooking and it tends to be pretty chilled.

It doesn’t feel stressful to me to fit both in on the same day, the kids love it (and can trash someone else’s house for a change) and you still get the afternoon just with your family. Maybe something like that would work?

Your mums seriously can’t sit and have a meal together for one day for the sake of their kids and grandkids?