There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

And OP is very happy for that to happen.

I’ve never been bothered about Mother’s Day but I never found being a mum to be a drudge. Not everyone does.

It's MOTHERS day. Not grandmother day, not petulant eternal child day not sister day or MIL day it's simply Mother's Day.

He should visit his mother because she is his mother. She is not your children's mother she is theor grandmother. Send her a card then focus the day on YOU who is the actual mother in your little family. If that means seeing your own mother then that's fine and it's not unfair to his mum because she's your mum not his.

His attitude is basically tell you he sees your role as subordinate wife/DIL as more important than your role as mother

Someone hasn’t read the thread. OP is happy for her husband to see his mum on Mother’s Day. She just wants her own children to be with her.

Just tell him he can take the kids to see his mum for a visit in the late morning for an hour or so while you have a bath or whatever, and you will do the same for your dad on father's day?

Yes but have you heard of kindness? The MIL is someone who who is hands on, who helps the family, who is also a mother. She's at the heart of the family.
If it was me I simply couldn't leave her out.
Why not all have lunch together and then OP and her nuclear family go off and do their own thing for the rest of the day.

I am a bit on the fence here. Over the years we have done a combination of things as a DD, Mum and GM myself. Usually I see at least one of my local DDs and her DC. This year the other DD is travelling here and other DD has plans with her MIL so I will see her and my DGDs on the Saturday. My mum lives over 250 miles away so usually she is with my sister and brother who live near her. I send her flowers and a card and she seems happy with that.

You aren't stopping your DH from visiting his mum so YANBU. Personally I would choose to let your DH take them for an hour or so to visit his mum and you chill at home if you don't want to see her. I agree that is your choice though. Maybe you could do as my DD is doing with me and visit MIL on the Saturday?

I really cannot get too worked up about Mother's Day but I know it is usually more important when you are a new mum so I think you choose when it comes to your DC. So long as DH sees his mum that should be the most important thing.

it makes absolute sense. The day is about children appreciating their mother, not mums insisting on fake special treatment from their dh’s (and usually competing with their dhs mums for the day on who is most important 🙄)

They are not their dhs mum.

The little children will show that appreciation when they are old enough.

I don’t see my kids on Mother’s Day. I might see them before and they send cards and presents. They spend it with their husbands and children. That’s fine by me. They work and have busy lives and are mothers themselves. I’m just grateful they are being a bit spoilt. Women who make it all about them get on my nerves.

It can be suffocating when family expects certain things on certain days. Managing everyone’s expectations and my feelings of guilt have ruined most celebrations for me. I now opt out of most of them.

Lots of MILs and grandmas reading this morning before they’ve had their cup of tea and centring themselves as usual!

I get it OP. You’re the mum, the celebration with your kids should centre you, he’s the other parent who should organise and prioritise this. It sounds like you’ve tried to be fair and include your mum and MIL but your partner isnt pulling his weight to make decisions and make YOU feel celebrated.

Some might not care about the day but I’d say it’s the biggest deal when your kids are young and it’s the tough toddler/baby years so you NEED some acknowledgement. When your kids are 30 it probably is less important as they’re grown and need less mothering (if they were brought up successfully or don’t have other needs that is)

I hope you get the acknowledgment you deserve. Personally I’d stay in bed all of the Saturday before and let DH deal with a seven month old and toddler solo, just to help him appreciate what you do as a mother and what he doesn’t.

I think your husband is a selfish arse. If people bothered reading properly, I don't see how they can say he's being reasonable to want to dictate how you spend Mother's Day and Father's Day! Either those days about your parents or they're about you two - how does he justify making Mother's Day about his mum but Father's Day about ^him?
^
There's no reason either why he must coordinate every plan with his sister. It's like he's still a kid, behaving as if he's not part of more than one family unit!

You have a couple of options here OP.

1. on Father's Day, make your husband spend it visiting your dad. See how he likes this arrangement.
2. tell him you are spending the day with your kids, since you are their mum and your mum because she is yours and that's the end of it. Mil is the mother of your children and has no need to see them on this particular day. Your own mum is only seeing them on this particular day because they are with you, not because she is entitled to as a gran!

Have a think in general about how much your h seems to make everything all about him and his birth family unit. Even events that really should be about you and the kids.

Typo mil is not the mother of your dc, obviously

No the mother who birthed the children is the heart of that family, as wonderful as it is to have grandparent involvement, they are not the centre, but having had more lifetime and experience of being kind perhaps they could be selfless and celebrated their DIL too? These things do go both ways and it sounds like OP is doing her share to acknowledge. Why isn’t MIL doing the same for her?

Can't say I'm too bothered about Mothers Day, despite having three young kids but appreciate others are. If I was you I'd arrange to see my mum the day before for a breakfast, (plan something lovely she'd be happy with) and leave plans for his mum/you to him. He has the rest of the day before and all of Mothers Day to play with. Whatever he manages to coordinate will reflect how he thinks Mothers Day for his own mum and mother of his children should be celebrated.

Ok, so is this part of a wider issue with him rather than just MD?

I have a son. When he's an adult I'd like to see him on Mother's Day if he lives nearby but I would never expect to see his children, they should be with their mother. It's mother's day, not grandmother's day.

Why would your children see his mother on Mother’s Day. She is not their mother. You’ve offered alternatives, you’ve suggested compromise and he can’t get his arse in gear. I would stop your nice Father’s Day plans and go and see your dad and leave him too it. He wants the plans to fit him and isn’t bothered what you want, not cool.

I think you say clearly ‘my kids come with me on Mother’s Day. I’m so fed up with you treating me like I don’t matter on Mother’s Day. If you keep arguing then Father’s Day will be me taking the kids to visit my dad since that is what you seem to think is fair. Marriage is a two way relationship but you only care about one way don’t you?’

I don't understand why you are getting your arse handed to you.

• you like your MIL
• you facilitate a relationship
• you are happy to see her on Mother’s Day as long as you see your own mother

whats the backstory with your DH?
why do your kids need to see HIS mother on Mother’s Day?

OP it's simple. Go along with it this year then when it gets to fathers day this year say OK well we must all go and see my dad on fathers day, the kids must be there too and we'll also do lunch with him the day before. Just start being difficult back maybe he'll realise what a weirdo he's being. He sounds intensely close to his family with very strict boundaries, it's all a bit odd. Does he not realise you're now his family too?

From alot of the replies, I don’t think alot of posters have read your OP.

It seems to me your DH doesn't want to see his mum on his own. Why this need to collaborate with SIL or take your DC with him to visit his mum. Why can't he spoil his mum without there being others around? I personally wouldn't be making a fuss of him on Father's Day given the grief he is giving you.

Mother’s Day aside, your DH appears to want to wait for his mum and his sister to give him instructions/ permission on how to spend the day - be that Mothering Sunday, Fathers Day, Christmas. He seems unable to commit to a plan you suggest until he has their approval.

Not a good look to be honest.

I do think you are building Mothers Day up in your head a little, but I get that it is important to you to spend the day being a mother.

Seems like you have communicated that to your DH.

Seems like he / MIL have decided that actually Mothers Day is about MIL seeing the grandchildren.

It may seem to some like a massive overreaction on your part to be upset about it, but actually it’s the fact that it’s a pattern of your DH putting you last.

And if you think that’s the case, that is the conversation you need to have, calmly.

I dont think you read my post properly.
I do have a son and no im not setting my son to think they never ever have to be arsed with me on Mothers Day once they have kids.

My expectation of my husband is to go see his mum, for sure - HIS mum on MOTHERS day. My expection of my child will be to come see ME on MOTHERS day and even if they cant - its ok. Grandkids go with their mum, its very simple.