There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

The clue is in the “his”.. It’s “his” mum he should be seeing her, OP is seeing “her”mum… that’s how Mother’s Day works! It’s not grandparents day, Mothers spend it with their children.. OP’s mum is seeing her child, OP is with her children. MIL can spend it with her children. The grandchildren have nothing to do with it..

Since a child I have always gifted my Nanna and Nanny (grandfathers had passed before I was born) with flowers and cards on Mothers Day. As an adult I did this up until they died. I am a mum to a 13 and 9 year old and I always buy on their behalf for my mum, their grandmother, and we always pop in for a visit either the day before or the morning of the day itself. It’s what I do and have always shared the day. My DH never did this so he just sees his mum on his own for an hour and we spend the rest of the day together not doing anything remotely special. At the end of the day, it’s a regular day. Mums never get a day off and there is always a drama and a wash to put on so I’m not overly attached to it. I’ve been to three football tournaments held on a Mothers Day before now, the magic has long gone. Nobody really gives a stuff do they??

Wow. You wouldn't even have your children if it wasn't for his mum.

I don't know how you came about having your kids but I dont ever recall conceiving with my MIL.

So your DMIL is good enough to look after your DC while you work but not good enough to see them for a short time on Mothers Day?
I do think you’re being selfish. Would it really be so hard to spend a short time each at your DM’s and DMIL’s Mothers Day morning then have the rest of the day to do what you want?
I can’t imagine not seeing my DM or DMIL on Mothers Day, even if it is only for a quick cuppa.

As you are the Mother of your own children I would feel you should get to choose what you want to do as a Mother for your Mothers Day with your children. Your DH may choose what he wants to do for his own Mother but why does his own Mother come before your own little family on Mothers Day if you are not spending it all together. I fully understand your frustration with this issue. You may all choose to alternate each year although you should not feel stressed or forced to spend the day doing something that does not please you.

My mum is dead. We go to my partner’s mum every year. She has Mother’s Day with son and grandchildren, and any other siblings that visit.

I choose a different day for my family to lavish their affections on me.

OMG the lack of reading the post properly in the thread is shocking.
enjoy your day with your kids, let him go to your MIL’s and spend the day together just the two of them, maybe he can bring her home with him and cook your both a family meal and she can see the kids in the evening. Two birds, one stone.

if anyone needs to find me on Mother’s Day, I’m on my sofa having a popcorn and film day with my two kids, relaxing and enjoying each others company (catching up on life, no chores we work full time and long hours). I will see my mum & MIL on Saturday. However if they have an expectation of enjoying their grandkids on this day, they know where we are. My husband if he wished can see his mum on Mother’s Day I will never stop him.

He does spend Fathers Day with the kids and his family, she spends Mother's Day with the kids and her family, and encourages him to spend it with his mum. I'm failing to see what she's doing wrong here?

OMG the lack of reading the post properly in the thread is shocking. This with bells on!! Comprehension skills are severely lacking in some people.

@Mba1974 the clue is they're a family, they share stuff! It's them not him and her!

So you like to spend time away from your DH on Mother's Day?

How odd!

But hey it's MN!

And MIL shares childcare etc, but she can't see the family unit on MD.... of course not, she's second class!

Literally every person in this scenario has way to much expectation. Sorry to say this but that also includes you, I understand everything your saying and agree with others that it's mother's day not granny's day. However, it must be so exhausting having these expectations every year. If it were me in this situation, I'd bugger off for the day and enjoy a massage, treat myself to a lovely bit of food somewhere and forget about all that nonsense. I'd invite my mum too and let Dzh deal with MiL & kids. Hope you sort it out for yourself so your not absolutely stressed on mothers day. It's your day, take advantage.

Because the poster is the mother of her children and wants to spend time with them?

I fully understand what you are asking for, and think you are not being unreasonable

If you can, enjoy mother's day xxx

Yes I spend time away from my DH on Mothers Day, this year I’ll be in a different country from him, sometimes we spend it together.. we’re not a single entity, and I would also encourage him to see his mother on Mother’s Day because that’s who it’s for. It’s not family day, and we’re not joined at the hip. It’s one day a year when Mothers get to choose how they spend it. OP’s mother in law has a son and a daughter and her daughter’s child or children to spend it with. She doesn’t get to demand anything else and neither does OP’s husband. He can do that on Fathers Day which he does!

YANBU. And lots of people can't read.

You like your mil. You spend a lot of time with her. She sees the kids at least twice a week. She's a part of your life. You support your husband going to see her. You encourage him to pamper her on Mother's Day. You've suggested ways in which everyone can get what they need from this weekend. But he won't listen to anything other than what he wants, which is to take the kids to his mum's on Mother's Day, when you are a mother too.

Your status as mother and how you'd like to spend the day is immaterial to him. It's all about him and his mum, dictated by his sister's availability and with your children's attendance mandatory. This would really piss me off.

My husband is trying to accommodate the fact that it's my mother's day as well as his mum's, but their age etc means that really, it's all about his parents. And on one level that's fine - but on another, it really annoys me. Can't say anything, wouldn't want to, get on well with my mil - just would have like to have been centred myself, on that day. It's natural I think. But at least my husband understands that and is trying... Yours? I find that level of mummy's boyness deeply unattractive. I say this as the mother of a boy, who is the centre of my universe. Natural to want to see his mum. Really off not recognising that you should be just as important a mother. You're the mother of his kids.

Your husband wouldn't exist if it wasn't for his mum! Therefore neither would your children.

Your children should be spending Mother’s Day with their mother ie you! As others have said, it is Mother’s Day not grandmothers day. Since having children I don’t think we have spent many actual Mother’s Day with my mother in law (my mum lives abroad so only spent one with her in over 20 years).

We do see mother in law but it is usually the Saturday. Some years they have come to our house on Mother’s Day for Sunday dinner. But, it’s now about me and my children. My time as mil will come and I will step aside to so my DD and DIL gets to celebrate the day.

DH and I will always celebrate those days ourselves as the other parent of our children (any excuse for presents and a nice meal in our house!)

thankfully we have always been on the same page when it comes to Mother’s Day.

As you said, you choose a different day.

OP is choosing to spend Mother’s Day with her children.

Oh dear. It's obviously not about Mother's Day. Your kids need to make you a card and give a gift on Mother's Day, only because it's talked about at school. But you should all be mature enough to celebrate you as mum or grandparents the weekend after. It's about spending time together - not who is where at which precise time. And there is in fact a Grandparents Day celebrated in October. But it's troubling your DH does not respect you as a mother. BTW, what happens on Father's Day?

I don't do Mothers Day at all and neither does my mum but I certainly wouldn't be expecting to spend it with my MIL. Dh would go to see her if we lived anywhere near them but we don't so it doesn't happen.

OP if you want to spend it with your kids or your mum or both then of course that is what you should do your DH is being ridiculous and it sounds like your MIL probably wont even care, kids are supposed to spend it with their mother not their grandmother? The clue is in the name mothers day so spend it with your kids and don't let your DH force his strange ideas on you.

You sound like my vile daughter in law, my son will be aloud to come to see me once she has gone to bed, after spending the day with her mum again. I'll just get an hour about 9 at night. I hope your children see the selfish example you are setting and treat you exactly the same when they are older. You will deserve it for the way you are behaving.

You’re projecting @Santina . OP isn’t trying to stop her DH seeing his DM.

She wants to do that. He wants to take the kids to his mother's.

Don’t read this if you’re not in the mood for something quite harsh.

In your household you’re the mum and Mother’s Day is about you. He needs to get off the tit and grow up! She’s HAD HERS. A phone call, a small visit whatever but he should be making plans about what your kids will be doing for YOU jfc.