There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

You’re being unreasonable.

You have massive double standards in spending Mother’s Day with your mum and your kids, and not allowing him to do the same.

It’s a day to celebrate mothers. Your MIL is a mother.

Yes 100% they are because my husband and I go out of our way to ALWAYS argue and bicker in front of our kids, in fact sometimes we involve them too because we love to hear what our 2 year old and 7 month old have to say. Going forward we're actually having them mediate our discussions and disagreements so we can screw em up real bad.

Her husband, the MIL’s son could go see his mum on the Saturday and Sunday. OP is not stopping him from doing so. OP is allowed to choose what she wants to do with her children on Mother’s Day and considering their ages, what is wrong with her wanting to stay in with them if she is going to see both MIL and her mother the day before?

This doesn’t make sense, she goes to see her mum as it’s MD, her kids are with her as it’s MD. Obviously if he wants to take kids that’s ok but should work around ops plans

You are a new mum - these times when the children are young should, rightly, be about you.

His Mum/your Mum have had their children phase for a great many years.

DH is a buffoon if he doesn’t realise this.

I’m not into this ‘it’s just a hallmark day’ thing. Nope. I want a mega fuss on steroids. But I make that clear.

YABU!
This is very one sided!

I do think the MIL had her Mother’s Day her son was young so why shouldn’t you? However I then wouldn’t do and see your mum on Mother’s Day as that does seem unreasonable. Is there a bigger argument here about your DH and the relationship with his mother? Does he put her before you generally?

I’ll be honest, I don’t do the whole, Grandparents cards on Mother’s/Father’s Day, it’s not their day, as a parent, it’s yours.

In saying that, I would happily let my kids be taken to see their Grandparents for a few hours and either spend that time relaxing or seeing my Mum on my own. I have my kids around me everyday, I’d be happy for a few hours with no Mum Mum Mum so I can have an uninterrupted conversation etc.

If I was in your shoes, I would let him take them in the morning and have a relaxing morning on my own, getting ready etc then take the kids with me in the afternoon. I wouldn’t say both of you need to see each others parents, you’re each a child to your own parents.

It's not grandparents day 🤷🏻‍♀️

Could you all get together? Maybe not ideal but that's what we used to do. That way we all got to be together. Our families got on well so it worked for us. I get on really well with my MIL so it worked perfectly.

Sheesh, what a drama over a day! My DC are teens now, but in all honestly, a card and a bunch of flowers are more than suffice. I never see the big deal of these days and what the heck is grandparents day, all just out of hand. Its 1 day, there are plenty other days in the year to make someone feel special. Unfortunately I don’t have a MIL anymore but when I did DH would pop and visit with the kids for an hour, I would do the same. We have never made a big deal of it. This year I have got my Mum some concert tickets. I will pop with her card and some flowers on the day, come home and get organised for the week ahead. Why doesn't DH pop and visit with the kids for an hour on Mothers Day while you are getting ready?

This is crazy! It’s your Mother’s Day not grandmothers day! I’m pregnant and would be so annoyed if I can’t have a Mother’s Day to myself and immediately family- if I wanted to (maybe sometimes it’s nice to spend with grandparents too, but certainly not a given) Like you said she’s had 30 years of her mother’s days, now it’s your turn! X

Mum of 4 kids here and I've never got the whole hullabaloo about celebrating mothers or fathers day. At the end of the day we all CHOSE to have kids so why then is everyone so keen to have their egos stroked for 1 day of the year? I mean if you need praise for every little thing you do in life whether that's looking after kids or not then maybe you shouldn't have kids coz that is a very childish attitude and something a 5 year old would be bothered about. Personally just having the kids is enough for me but then again I'm not 1 of them adults that needs constant validation for all of my choices and decisions.

So many weird responses on here. OP wants to spend Mother's Day with her children and mother, which is normal. She's encouraging her DP to spend the day with HIS mother, but somehow OP is unreasonable. How? It's not grandparent's day, DH spends Father's Day with the kids and his family, so why on earth should OP spend the day with his family on Mother's Day? I don't get it?!

Do people really care this much about Mother’s Day?

This? I don't live near my mum and im not seeing her on mothers day, we've already got plans in a couple of weeks time. Isn't it more of a thing if you're a churchgoer, which barely anyone in the UK is?

But either way, its mother's day. Not grandmother's day.

So he and his siblings can go visit his mother, your children can spend the day with theirs, and you can visit yours if you wish.

You both sound nuts 😅

I don’t think you’re being fair op. Why is it ok for you to see your mum and your kids on Mother’s Day and it’s not ok for your husband to want the same. Either take turns each year if you’re so precious about this day or make Mothers Day just about you and your kids, without either granny.

Organise granny days separately (a day out yourselves with your respective mums), and the kids don’t need to be included really. Don’t the grandmothers see the grandkids any other day?

Seriously, you should count yourselves lucky you have mothers to celebrate with, many don’t.

I have 3 adult DC, no GC yet. Lost my mum 3 years ago.
I really don't care about mother's day. I really don't want my children to feel pressured to see me on a particular day. It's just nonsense. I'm their mother 365 days of the year. It was lovely when they were tiny to have hand made cards etc but now? I'm just happy to see them whenever.
Threads like this make me even more adamant that my DC will never be made to feel guilty on mothers day. Just come and see me the week before or even a month later.

This is outrageous. From where does the entitlement come? You think MIL is less deserving of you. You dismiss your husband’s views on Mother’s Day with his mum. You don’t any offense in saying the kids should be with you on Mother’s Day. Since when is motherhood about being selfish??? OMG OP wake up. Can you imagine … your children get married and have kids and they then they tell you Mother’s Day with you is less important. And slighting the single mum?? Wow.

Is it really about Mother’s Day OP? It’s a made up day to make people spend money. Perhaps you’re just tired and want to spend time with the children?
I understand that.

How often do you see your mum or MIL anyway with the children?

Perhaps you can agree with hubby for you each to see respective mums on Sunday. Give yourself a well needed break for a couple of hours. Let him take the children and both agree to be back home by late afternoon to have quality time as a family.
Perhaps a takeaway, dvd and a snuggle on the sofa when the children are in bed.

it’s the little things that cause rifts in marriages and a commercially made up Mother’s Day really isn’t worth it.

Big hugs, whatever you decide 🤗

Op, is your Dad still alive/around? I take it they never see him on Fathers day?

Why can't you all spend the day together? Both mothers. Book a table. That's what we do.

I really hope you have a son and that his wife thinks like you. Your poor DH and MIL. You are sooo unreasonable

So many more still not reading.

op sees her father on Father’s Day.
ops dh sees his mother on mother’s day as much as he wants too. Sometimes the day before and day of.

op wants to be with her children all of Mother’s Day. Sometimes she might visit her mum, she doesn’t plan to this year.

ops dh, has the children all day Father’s Day and visits his father.

The only person in the wrong here is the dh.

Expecting the children to be his on Father’s Day and Mother’s Day rather than letting op have her day as a mother with her children how she wishes. Which is what he gets on Father’s Day.

It's Mothers Day. Ie YOUR day to spend as you wish.

It's rude, disrespectful and totally unreasonable to expect you to adjust what you want to do on YOUR day.

And I think MIL is totally out of order if she's pushing for this.

I'd bypass DH give MIL a call to let set her expectations. I'd nicely tell her Mothers Day is for you and the DC and it may include include you wanting to spend part or all of the day with your own mother. And Fathers Day is for your DH to decide how he want to spend that.

I wouldn't even engage with him