There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

In fairness, Christmas Day is not the actual date of the birth of Jesus … but most people would be upset if their close family decided that it was a made up holiday that wasn’t important.

Oh my goodness this thread is just going round in circles. As someone without a mil / mum I can't understand all the angst. Just find a way to compromise with all these lovely women you have in your life and stop making such a ridiculous drama about it all.

So - you think working parents are part-time parents do you? Or is it just mothers you tar with that brush?! You're either a parent or you're not. Are parents also part-time when their child are in school? Cos, you know, not actively parentING! What a ludicrous point of view!!

As for the OP, omg, such ado about nothing!! TG neither I, nor my late mother nor my late MIL ever got so worked up about Mother's Day!! I guess I have just never been totally precious because I gave birth...

My god, it’s just one day! Why can’t see you both parents and you have your Mother’s Day the day before. spending an hour in each parents house is not a lot at the end of the day

This. they are not his mother’s children, the only responsibility to the MiL on Mother’s Day is from him and his sister. There are 364 other days she can see her grandchildren but on Mothers Day they are with their mother FFS. And their mother, gets to Spend time with her own mother if she wishes, or not.

I am sure both grandmothers could give a pass on seeing the grandchildren on MD, seeing as they get to care for them FOC during the week!!

Personally if I had been that fortunate, I'd have been well happy to let my kids seeing the grannies for an hour even on MD, in gratitude!!!

I think you’re perfectly reasonable OP. My mum and MIL would both expect DH to prioritise me on Mother’s Day as mother of his child. We have done cards etc for them both but I’d say it’s now my day and know they’d agree. We’re all quite down to earth with these things though. As long as we see each other regularly and do nice things for one another, then everyone is happy! Don’t see why your DH wouldn’t want to make the day everything you want it to be. As you say you’re not stopping him popping to see his mum. She is not the mother of DC and it’s not Grandparents day.

My mother would happily share with my mil…. My mil however would sit there with a face like a slapped arse that sucked a lemon and not talk to my mum.

so all this get everything together doesn’t work. Also my sil also has a mother in law… and my brother has a gf who has a mum
where does the sharing stop.

my mother gets she hers taken for a meal
by my brother and I get her a card and gift. We are in our 30’s she’s no longer actively patenting but watching us raise our children.

Mothering Sunday is a religious day to celebrate all mothers and mothering figures.
it’s meant to be a simple celebration, a pleasure to spend time with those you love and who love you. Which if you’re fortunate enough is across generations.

Mother’s Day is a commercial enterprise. Which you are turning into a fight and a contest!
you are letting consumerism win to the extreme and a ruining what could be a pleasure for everyone involved.

get a grip and some perspective for goodness sake before you driving everyone away.

find the love that was intended.

Why can’t he fuck off and see his mum in the afternoon and leave you in peace?

yes people do attach importance to different things

and part of being a grown assed adult and also setting a healthy example for you children is to have some perspective and also to look at the broader context.

So the the MIL is behaving laughably selfishly
the DH is being a bloody minded twat
so quite honestly i’d be questioning my marriage generally because this is no happy healthy family
but in the short term (because even if i do get my day with the children, then it will be thoroughly shit with a grumpy DH or just a normal day anyway with a 2 year old and baby)… I would say, sure you take the children. Meanwhile i’d kick back , and use the time to begin looking in to either marriage counselling or a divorce lawyer.

My thoughts exactly. It’s just a day.

I just send mine a text, whoops. I ask my kids to just make me something like a card or draw a picture, we never do a special meal or whatever, if I'm lucky I get the afternoon off from parenting if dh is here but in general we don't celebrate it really.

For me personally I missed some occasions including some Mother's days with my dc due to twatty exh. Having them around now because I can is greatly appreciated by me. Don't disregard it as just a day because to me and likely others it certainly isn't...

'Ffs. And how would OPs day be without her kids....or does she, as the mother of the children, not matter. Would she be allowed to sit there disgruntled or would she have to smile?'

Sorry but does the sky fall down if you aren't being worshipped by your children for every moment of Mother's Day so fucking what if they go out to their grannies for an hour or two. Have a cup of tea and eat your inevitable box of chocolates, or do some gardening or read a book, or whatever you do every other day when you find yourself at a loose end.

If they are both local, the answer is simple, take them both out for lunch

SOLVED : In the United Kingdom, Grandparents’ Day is celebrated on the first Sunday of October. In 2024, it’ll be celebrated on 6th October.

Mothers day you do what you want, Father's day you do what he wants and you can split Grandparents day

And your partner should take more initiative with his own mother and book things with her year round not just on a token day

To me it sounds like her husband is doing that

The thing is, should the MIL find out how strongly the OP feels about MD, would she be mortified that her son insists on bringing their grandchildren to her then? I am quite a bit older than some of the posters here and I'd feel quite weird about leaving my DIL to her own devices while my grandchildren came to me.

Because she doesn’t want to

Ha ha!! It's MOTHERS day, not grandmas day.

One of my fondest memories is taking my son out with my mother and her mother. 4 generations all at one table. It was fab.

You do realise that grandmas are mother's too?

Not mothers of their grandchildren, though.

All the adults in the scenario are

Poor kids are going to grow up thinking this is how adults behave and relationships operate