There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

It’s just not that important tbh. If it can be a lovely event then it’s a nice thing to recognise; but if it creates this much tension it would be better to give cards and forget about it.

if i was the DM or the MIL… and knew that all this fighting was going on about me and mother’s day? i’d be so upset and immediately say that i’m utterly unfazed by the day and how about we get together the following weekend for lunch

Yes its an amazing suggestion hun and if we could do that then I wouldn't be sat on MN.

If the families dont get along... whats your suggestion then? You're assuming happy families and unfortunately thats not the case for all

Grownup, if I was the mil, I'd back off

if i was any adult in this scenario id be thinking to myself “wtf am i doing getting so worked up about this”

I think that you and him need to negotiate MD and FD.

There needs to be a compromise like on MD/FD you both see your mums/dads separately. You take kids with you on MD and he takes kids on FD so you both get to spend the whole day with the kids. I can see why he thinks Saturday for his mum and Sunday for yours is unfair so the seeing mums separately removes this feeling. It’s MD not grandmother’s day so I think that it isn’t crucial for the kids to see his mum on that day

He needs to be more organised or reserve say breakfast or dinner with his mum/dad every year so you know when you can see yours. Obviously the easiest thing to do is FD and MD being all about the dad/mum and you see grandparents on a different weekend but it sounds like the days are important to you both.

If the families dont get along..

Sadly it’s you and your husband that “don’t get along”

I haven’t rtft but there are some weird responses on here.

OP as you’re a fairly new mother, I absolutely agree that these first few years should be about you. Your DH is being quite thoughtless by insisting that the day should be about his DM seeing her grandchildren. As your DC are so young, it’s down to your DH to organise the day to celebrate you. His DM should be content with some flowers and maybe a meal out whenever it is convenient.

I don't get the fuss, it's a made up day. If it means that much to everyone, have two Mother's Day Sundays in a row.. And attach equal weight to them

As I see it, you and DH have different expectations: you think you should decide where the children go on Mother’s Day (understandable) and he gets to decide on Father’s Day and you don’t think your Dad needs to see his DGC that day (also understandable), BUT he thinks he gets to decide on Mother’s Day as well as he thinks his Mum should see the children. I would sit him down and explain that you each get to decide on your respective day (if you are not prepared to budge, which is fair enough - she sees them all the time!). It’s all a bit daft, but he needs telling to stop whinging and accept that you both may have different priorities.

Grownup - people attach importance to different things. I'm sure you have stuff in your life that you get 'worked up about', that others can't understand. You seem rather judgemental

Rowen - Christmas is a made up day

Why is it vitally important that men go see their moms on mothering Sunday, and no other day will do, but moms to small children shouldn't mind at all what day they celebrate? Suddenly it's just a day/made up.

OP I think the day should be about celebrating you and the grandmother's should get a card and flowers, going to see them on the Saturday is a great idea.

Can’t you just have your day the following Sunday? I don’t really see why it makes such a difference for it to be that particular day, given how much angst it is causing.

The bickering would put me off even caring…

That’s what I think …

Or maybe OPs husband should just take the kids to his mums the following Sunday. After all, it doesn’t make much difference does it? 😉

As for the bickering putting you off, some people do use that to wear the other person down until eventually they just give in on everything.

OP is the mum of young kids, she gets to choose, like her husband does on Father’s Day.

There was an almost identical thread about this last year. Same advice from someone with no skin in the game as I have neither kids nor a mum any more. Mothers Day is about mums, it's literally in the title. If you don't get to chose what you as mum do that day (likewise he does on fathers day), then there is no point to the whole game!
So assuming all the mums would like to see their kids, he spends the day with his mum, you spend it with yours and your kids spend it with theirs. By default that means your kids spend it with their nan but that's just a byproduct of everyone spending the day with their own mum.
It's not granparents day, it's not MIL day, it's not sulky disorganised husbands day, it's mothers day.

Has no one actually read the OP? She wants to spend Mother’s Day with her mother & children (as she is their mother!) and is happy for her husband to spend time with his mother. As it is MOTHER’s Day! OP you are totally justified in your wishes and your husband is behaving ridiculously. Hope you have a nice day whatever you do x

Great. OP is having this Sunday as her Mother’s Day, he can have the following one with his mum. All sorted. 😅

You know it's about going to church right?
It's not actually about pink Prosecco and M&S flowers?

Well exactly, it doesn’t matter which Sunday - and it’s what some of us would be saying to MIL if she were posting. As it turns out, OP is posting.
Re the wearing down, you’ve got to pick your battles … unless you actually enjoy them. Some things will really matter . Save the energy.

Then do the opposite next year!

I mean as it is DH is wanting to go to his mum. I’m not saying I agree but that’s the reality it would seem. So how would the day look if he doesn’t? OP with big grin saying ”oh it’s so thoughtful, I’m feeling so cherished …” He’s going to be disgruntled and she’s going to feel it’s a Pyrrhic victory because she’s had to fight so hard for what is supposed to be graciously bestowed. I just can’t see the point in the circumstances. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I couldn't be bothered with all this nonsense. I will see my children I expect as one lives at home and the other may pop in with a card, my Mum is away this year so I won't see her (normally would, even briefly to give her a card and a small gift). We are going out to lunch the Sunday before with MIL, but only because DH forgot to book somewhere - we often take both Mums out for lunch.

I'm so sorry for your loss... I hope you have the best Mothers Day this year x

I am grateful for both mums. I never said I don't like my MIL, or think my mum is better. I would most certainly like to get to point where I can spend Mothers Day with both.