There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

The issue is @NOWorNeverNowhere that OP wants to see DC as she works FT. Which is completely fair as she is their mother, not MIL.

For me, it's about Mums and their kids appreciating their Mums. Therefore, it is important for him to appreciate his Mum. For OP to appreciate her Mum. And for OP and his kids, to appreciate their Mum.

On Father's Day, it's important for them to appreciate their Dad. So they spend that time with him, and he can spend it with his Mum.

It's not about kids being played pass the bloody parcel with to appease the grandparents.

This ^^^

Op parents the kids the other 364 days of the year. DH can take them to his dm, I'm sure she'll love to see her gc. Op can rest, unless she really wants that of course.

also had 30 years of undivided attention from him
Ahhhhh, I didn't know there was a specific length of time we could expect to see our DS's on Mothers Day.

Surely this only applies if the dcs are at an age where they don't need full supervision, otherwise it's just more work for op.

I think it's more about the dm who is actively parenting, getting a rest. The dh can def go see 'his' dm though.

why is that the OP's concern? That's her DH's concern. The OP is a mum too.
Why is it the woman who has to bend over backwards for everyone, all the time? This is not the OP's mother - but the DH's.

For us, mother's day is about me and celebrating with the dc. We haven't seen MIL on mother's day since dc were born and I am NC with my own mum. It's more a send flowers and a card sort of day for MIL - BIL who doesn't even have children or anything else to be doing on mother's day doesn't see her either.

I get two days a year - my birthday and mother's day that are about me. Every other special day - kids birthdays, Christmas, etc. we have a house full of people to host and it's not a day off to just enjoy. If we were to see MIL, we'd have to have her for the night or the weekend as she won't come for just the day (any excuse to get away from her partner). I'm not hosting for mother's day too. It's my day. I get to sit down and drink my coffee and I have a lunch that I don't have to purchase or make and I don't have to entertain anyone or even go anywhere. I'd be quite happy for dh to see his mum but he could take her out to lunch the day before with the kids. It doesn't have to be a big family outing involving me. I'd much rather have a quiet day at home.

This is so bizarre and exhausting
why his mother and your mother have to have personal visits and not just card/flowers delivered??
one would think its Christmas
honestly
he is weird
his mum is weird
etc etc
just relax
its very commercialised holiday like valentines day

Please tell me you're kidding??? Why does MIL's feelings trump her feelings when she is the mother of the kids?
Are you one of those MILs who manipulated your DILs to make sure you're always number one?

You might think its petty - but the OP is describing how her DH tramples over her wishes and feelings and guilt trips her through argument into doing something she doesn't want to. That isn't petty. The subject matter is irrelevant.

Though I do parent full time, all year around, I actually work aswell just like my DH does. Both MIL and mum look after the kids. I appreciate my MIL would love to see the GC but so would my mum - I mean they see them 1-3 times a week, every week so why not another day right. I would like to think that I could have the day to myself with the kids to do something nice without being made to feel guilty about it. I'm sure i'll get to a point in motherhood where I want to rest from my kids but thats just not right now.

There's quite an imbalance of who gets their way: you don't mind how he spends Father's Day (so he's happy), yet he's essential ruining it for you by being disorganised, inflexible, and insensitive to your wishes.
He's being a dick.

You are overthinking it a bit, but I get how & why it's a reaction to his shitty attitude - if he's not willing to support you I understood why you are boycotting what he expect the day to be.

I honestly couldn't cope with complicating these things so much, you could be the bigger person and offer to spend part of the day together: invite MIL, SIL & your parents over for afternoon tea & cake. Problem solved, kids get to see everyone who is bothered enough to turn up.
You still have the morning & lunch time to spend how you wish but MIL gets to be included. And your DH can shut the fuck up.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants.

I'd stop this immediately and stop spending fathers day with him. Go and see your dad and leave him with the kids.

As for mothers day, you take the kids with you, whatever you are doing and leave him to spend that day with his mum and sister.

He sounds like a fucking twat.

Fair enough, well just do that op. I'm sure on fathers day, dh can do what he wants. It is fair as he has Father's day, and does not control your day.

You're more energetic than me lol, but then again I get no babysitting at all.

Essentially, he wants to have the kids to him and his family on Father's Day, and deny your family of their grandchildren on that day.

But he's kicking up a fuss about you doing the exact same thing. No, that's not fair.

He's being a PITA. Why don't you both (for both MD and FD) see the family and in-laws on the Saturdays with the kids in tow-and then leave the Sunday free for you to spend with the kids doing something fun or chill?

That seems like the fairest, simplest solution to the whole thing, but if he's unwilling to share FD, he can't be demanding to share MD. He can still see his DM. I really don't see what this issue is. It's Mother's Day, not Grandmother's Day, and it sounds like both sets of grandparents spend a lot of time with the grandkids anyway.

This. It’s not worth the stress.

sometimes you read an OP

and the scenario is so utterly alien to you. Having heated spats with your husband over mother’s day.

if you and your husband fight like this over this kind of issue

Bloody hell… marriage rotting away i imagine. You must argue over …. so much?

it’s a vicious circle

because the children in this family will grow up thinking mother’s day is something utterly life affirming as a mother and so they will be the same in their relationships

I’ve just read this thread and am left feeling depressed at the level of many posters’ reading comprehension. So many then rush in half cocked to berate the OP for a point of view she has not expressed and when she points this out they attack her again.
In this particular case the MIL sees and provides care for the DGC up to three times a week so not seeing them on one extra day is surely no deprivation. Whereas the OP sees very little of her DC during weekdays and what time she has will mostly be getting them up and ready to be cared for while she works and putting them to bed and attending to them overnight when she is exhausted. (DH doesn’t do this).
Surely anyone with an imagination can see that leisurely time spent with her DC is really precious to the OP and her DH could reasonably be expected to relieve her of the ordinary chores, make her coffee, meals etc or take the family on an appropriate outing on this one day a year they regard as special to mothers.

well there’s a surprise

the other thread that the op started

another nasty spat between op and husband regarding birth partner

What a marriage

It also seems to be that within the family it’s also more about winning an argument than anything else. Someone made a perfectly good suggestion of all going together for a meal out - every mother in the family, both sides, plus dcs. Then everyone gets to spend time together that day.

But something tells me it’s more about being the one to prevail than actually spending time together so they will probably not go for this …

'Surely anyone with an imagination can see that leisurely time spent with her DC is really precious to the OP and her DH could reasonably be expected to relieve her of the ordinary chores, make her coffee, meals etc or take the family on an appropriate outing on this one day a year they regard as special to mothers.'

I don't agree with this. Dh should go see his own dm. His wife isn't his DM. Op expressed she wants to spend time with her dm, and her dcs which makes sense.