There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

She better give into him then. 🙄 Fuck that. This means something to OP, she’s the mother of the children and it’s Mother’s Day. He needs to suck it up.

Not if you couldn’t give a fuck about religion it’s not. It’s about whatever mums want it to be about.

Ffs. And how would OPs day be without her kids....or does she, as the mother of the children, not matter. Would she be allowed to sit there disgruntled or would she have to smile?

Gone are the days when women have to give in to whatever men want, thank goodness. If he can’t suck it up and behave like a decent human on the day, to let his wife have Mother’s Day with her own children, then he’s a complete shit.

It’s about whatever mums want it to be about.

i am a mother
and i always feel embarrassed if anyone says this to me

the idea that any day is about what I want

Did you post last year too? It’s weird that he’s so consumed with it, my partner pops down to his mums with or without the kids, I see my mum with the kids, same with Father’s Day, we usually work together so that gran and grandpa can see children but ultimately my plans on mothers daya and his on Father’s Day come first. Why can’t he pop down for an hour with kids while you get dressed or for a cup of tea after dinner. If he’s putting demands and stipulations on the day and not thinking about you then he’s selfish and got mum issues

No I didnt post last year, I just think a lot of mums go through a similar thing this time of year. Yeah I would think that my plans take priority on mothers day and his on fathers day and everyone else is a bit of an after thought.

genuine question

are you not worried about the example you’re setting your children OP?

I dont think people have, nor have they read my replies. I spent the last 2 MDs with my mum having a morning coffee AND with a dedicated other day to my MIL. The funny thing is, this year I dont even want to see my mum lol - both mums get some time with us and GC on the Saturday.... my husband can go all weekend to see his mum - he defo should! I'm just saying regardless of whats decided, I have the kids. It what I want this year i shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it. I may not want that next year. The way people are coming for me is a bit shocking. I don't know what I've said wrong.

Thank you, you too if you're taking part in MD x

That's your issue if you don’t feel worthy of day being how you like it.

I’m more cringing about being told it’s about going to church, as if that’s a fact and true for everyone.

Blimey, I think you’re being very unfairly slated here OP.

At no point have you said DH can’t see his mum and you’ve tried to offer him alternatives. I saw someone suggest he takes the kids to MIL for an hour or so while you get ready in the morning - that seems like a reasonable solution to me, especially if you’re doing stuff with her on the Saturday as well.

DH sounds like he’s digging his heels in, but he has to realise that life is different when you have kids, he’s not going to get everything his way every year. It seems the issue is more about your DH and SIL, rather than what MIL actually wants.

Hope you’ve managed to make some plans now OP

Personally don't give a fuck about mothers /fathers/the dogs day/birthdays/easter/valentines day [and any others I've left out].
All comercial shite.
But if you do this stuff crack on and enjoy it.

if i don’t feel “worthy” of doing what i want on a hall mark appointed day.

Good grief 😆

Mother’s Day is so rubbish. There’s only any point in it if the people around you genuinely want to celebrate you/you want to celebrate them. Otherwise it’s fraught and confused.

If your husband is generally a twat, I can see why he’s annoying here. If he’s lovely and it’s just this that’s a sticking point, I’d try and compromise together.

I get the impression though, that he’s a bit of a git - the passive aggressive comments etc. Maybe, at the root of this is a husband problem.

Should I be worried about the example im setting and if so why.... Because I want to spend mothers day with my kids, shower them with love and attention on that day, and occasionally by default they'll see their maternal grandma too, all while seeing their paternal grandma the day before? Because I dont ever bad mouth my mil around them or argue with my husband infront of them, because I encourage my husband to go see his mum on mothers day... because I go gift shopping buy flowers and make cute little cards for both mums? Give my husband the fathers day he deserves with the kids. Because I ask for some quality time and attention from the family after relentlessly giving?

Am I setting a bad example to my kids because I'm being selfish? Difficult? Because I'm not bending over backwards, because I'm demanding one day out of 365, because I'm not 'comprimising' or giving into my husbands or inlaws needs.

So many people seem to of skipped the part
where the dh gets Father’s Day exactly how he wants and ops father doesn’t see the grandchildren.

Mother’s Day may not mean anything to some people but it does to op… why does mil getting her Mother’s Day with the ops
children trump how she wants her Mother’s Day with her young children.

If it just another day then surely mil can suck it up. Both mil and ops mum watch the children one day per week nobody is really
missing out apart from op if she gives In.

So MIL looks after your kids presumably for free whilst you work yet you begrudge her this? Wow!

Actually I do get that you like to see your own children on Mother's Day but can't it be a whole family thing, MIL/DM comes to you/you go to her rather than it just be all about one person? That would seem fairer.

That sometimes her wants and needs can be prioritised above other people’s, when generally society positions mothers as selfless and devoted at the expense of themselves? But it’s OK to say: actually, this is what I want. The shitty example setter here is the double-standards DH who wants Father’s Day his way and to make a land grab for Mother’s Day, too.

Personally I’m a “card and flowers” is enough for Mother’s Day, whether sending or receiving, but it’s obviously more important than that to OP, and her DH has his own day, so why can’t he facilitate this for her? She’s not even asking him to forgo his own mum! She’s bringing all the options and suggestions to the table!

I don't get why your DH is acting the way he is its mothers day not fathers day you should be able to spend the day with who you want to

Then you obviously don’t care about Mother’s Day, neither do I. But OP does, so it should be about her, doing what she wants, not her husband who has Father’s Day.

I have others things/days that are important to me that my family make effort for and yes, they’re about me. I get to choose what we do, where we go and who with.

My MIL and mum both have offered free childcare, neither of them have been forced. Both mum and MIL are greatly appreciated- birthdays is a time we make a HUGE deal for each. If I begrudge her on GRANDPARENTS day then yes come for me - head on a stick! But its Mothers Day - my husband spends time with her, I encourage him to do so. I spend time with her, just on another day.

If childcare is offered, it shouldn't come with strings or conditions. I appreciate and love both mums for it but dont feel like I need to sacrifice my needs for it either. I've also mentioned time again, this isn't an MD issue, this is an expectation my DH has because he's super close to his mum.

😂

It does sound here sorry that you're stamping your feet like a spoiled child and refusing to compromise. One day MIL won't be here anymore, have you thought about that?

Basically the world revolves around OP.

I’d say that it’s completely unfair. Why does his need to do what he wants on Father’s Day trump your needs on Mother’s Day.

Stick to your guns and do what you want.

Yep. She’s a total bitch wanting Mother’s Day with her children, being more than happy to spend the day before with her mum and her MIL, and happily waving her husband off on Mother’s Day to see his own mum. So selfish, she really is the absolute worst of all people. 😅