There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

Mother’s Day really shouldn’t be this big a deal. It’s one day. More than enough time in one day to see both mothers and spend time in your own home with your children.
He is also being quite childish though.

I mean, we can all always compromise on everything and deprioritise our needs infinitely. But why should she? Her preferences shouldn't always come second to her husbands, especially not on Mother's Day.

I think it's really awful to suggest that she ought to let her husband bully her out of spending Mother's Day with her own children. I can't fathom why that would be the right approach here.

It’s about my mum for me. Not about myself. But hey, that’s just how we are in my family.

On mother's day you should do what you want with your kids because you are there mother. I don't think H should expect MIL to see them unless your happy with that.

This year my kids, with the help of dad, will make me breakfast. I will be dropped to my mums. DH will take the kids up the cemetery to put flowers on MIL grave. Then we will have dinner with my mum, siblings and nibblings.

It’s MOTHERS day! Not grandmothers day. What part of that does your husband not understand?? Why does he want the kids to see HIS mother???????

I find it a little strange that he won’t see his mum without his sister, what is that about?

Also, would your husband even realise it’s Mother’s Day if you didn’t remind him? Maybe next year don’t even say anything and just do what you want on want :)

We will be seeing MIL on Saturday as Sunday we are taking our children to Comic Con - I dont see my parents. Its just another day and to see my children enjoying themselves at Comic Con is all the gift I need.

If you hadn’t spent the past two with your mum, you might not come across as being selfish. I think that her desire to see her grandkids on Mother’s Days is also selfish, as that’s no what it’s about.

DH suggested inviting his mum out with us on Sunday and I told him hard no. He can take her for dinner if he wants but I am not having her join us for the day.

It’s just a random made up day. You don’t actually have to have a special day on the 10th March. You could have a special day the weekend after. If that doesn’t appeal then you need to compromise a bit. He still has a mother..

Omg it's a made up day created purely to make money for hallmark and restaurants etc 😂 I'm a mum but I absolutely do not understand how some people put so much importance on days like this (fathers day and valentine's day included)!
I do get you want to be with your children, I really think just see all the mums, all the children and all have a jolly day!!
I assume it's the sentiment that's important to you then do that any other day, book a day out with your family, a lunch, a weekend away, a day at home whatever it is you enjoy. It can be soley about you, just on a different day.
Even if I did think this day was important I certainly wouldnt ever think it's worth arguing over. Genuinely of this is the worst issue you have as a couple you're doing really well.
Imagine if something bad happened to one of you and the last conversation you had was an argument over something so incredibly petty!
Ps my son is 3 and will be with his dad on mother's day, it literally doesn't bother me! I get cuddles and love every single day, this Sunday is no different. I will never want forced attention and love because the calendar says he has to.

Hear hear!!!!100% agree

I dont know when i've given the impression that everyone needs to agree with me. Ive put it on MN for a reason - its a discussion, this isnt for people to try to change my mind. Everyone is entitled to their opinions which I appreciate on an open forum but where I am seeing name calling, rude and factually wrong comments - I am responding to set the record straight.

He's not asking for the whole day though, is he? He's asking that this year, unlike last year, his Mum be prioritised over hers, especially with regards to the kids.

She's being obstructive because she wants everything her way. If she can't see that it's taking the piss to insist Mother's Days are only about herself and her Mum then that's her problem, in my opinion.

He is more than welcome to take the kids to swe his mum on rhe 17th March to celebrate his Mothers Day with her :)

@Asher09 honestly the waste of tons with two young children and working, take a break!

You're also not just correcting inaccuracies, you're arguing with anyone who says you should go to both, or have both etc.

I honestly don't know how you've got so much time for all this, but 🤷‍♀️!

Can you not go with them and then she gets to see them and you get to spend the day with them. I can't believe you wouldn't t want to see your own grandkids on Mother's Day. I'm willing to bet in the future you'll feel different.

I know, it's crazy!

Yes I can do that, I'm open to it in the future.. its just not something I wanted to do this year.

I wouldn't care if my grandkids came on mothers day because im not their mum. Its Mothers Day so it would be nice to see my kids but in no way shape or form would I expect or want my DIL to make the day about me.

Hang on, so on Mother’s Day OP is taking the piss by:

• As a mother, prioritising herself
• As a daughter, prioritising her mother
• As a parent, prioritising her kids who will more than likely want to spend Mother’s Day with their mother

On a day basically invented to do all those things and give mothers one (1) day a year.

But DH, who is prioritised on Father’s Day and gets to prioritise his father rather than his father in law, isn’t taking the piss because MIL – yes, also a mother, and being celebrated as such with a visit from her child, so not missing out – isn’t being prioritised as a grandparent, even though it is not grandparent day?

1. Mothers day is about you not him
2. MIL is his mother, you have your own it's HIS responsibility to spend time with his mother. To expect you to pick her over your own mum is completely unreasonable!
3. If you wish to spend your day with your children and your mum that up to you!

Personally if I were you I would go spend fathers day with your dad and let him run on.. see when he complains simply say 'not nice is it'.. you need to set clear boundaries or he'll behave like a spoilt child every year

Totally agree with you - Mother's Day is for you, and as your kids are so small, your husband has to step up. He can go visit his mother when the kids are having a nap.

Doesn't matter if it's a made up event - it matters to you, and your husband thinks it's important for his mum, so he needs to step up for you.

MIL is not her mum.. she has her own to expect her to spend time without her is selfish. Also its mothers day it is all about her and her feelings

Every year the same threads, the cool nonchalant mums saying what's all the fuss about - there ain't nothing wrong with making someone feel special for one day, what ever the occasion

I can't believe such a fuss over one day! Can't you reach some sort of compromise? He can spend the day with his mum and you can spend some of the day with your kids and then pop over and see MIL for a cuppa and cake at teatime? That way you get to have the kids for most of the day and MIL gets to see them for a little while.

Has anybody thought about how op might feel? I hate this attitude that it all has to favour the older generation. Op can spend HER day how ever she chooses

Op, tell dh to take the kids and go spend it with HIS dm.
You can spend the day relaxing and having some "you" time. You're actively parenting little kids, and need a break the most! Your MIL has had countless mother's days, and doesn't need her DIL there as well.

Oh, and I don't see my Dm on Mother's day, I see her the day before. She really isn't precious about it, because that is the way she did it with her dm too. I have a lazy day having a lie in, and eating too much. I'm grateful my dm remembers how bloody tiring it is with little kids. This is the way I will do things as well.

A day out, continuing parenting while everybody elae has a good time, is the last thing I'd want to do. You are actively parenting the other 364 days, so it's one day you well and truly deserve.

DH’s way of putting it is that it’s the parent at the coal face of parenting who should be prioritised. He doesn’t see his father on Father’s Day.