There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

Sorry, but BOLLOX!

They are not just your kids, he gets an equal say, and Mother's Day is about ALL Mothers, not just you and yours!

You sound selfish and entitled.

Another example of how these days cause so much stress? Is it worth it?

He says he would like to do everything together as a family - as in with his family. Mum, sister, dad regardless of Mothers Day, Fathers Day, etc. Its his preference and I dont argue with it, I only suggest alternatives like taking MIL out separately if SIL cant come.

SIL doesnt need to bend over backwards for us or change any of her plans but she plays a huge part in guilt tripping my husband into not doing things her way, which in return causes issues between DH and I.
My mum sees the kids by default, if im spending the day with them and want to see my mum for mothers day they come with me - I thought thats normal.

My kids are not toys, they are well taken care of and loved unconditionally.

So dh is free to go to his mums for as long as he wishes and make whatever plans he wishes to with his mother for Mother’s Day.

But you are expected to hand over the children on mothers day so his mother can see them, but your not allowed as such to want to spend Mother’s Day with your children as their mother because his mothers want for the grandchildren children should come first.

but on Father’s Day he wants his children and not for them to go with you to see your dad…

So basically his a selfish knobber who wants all events his way with his family always taking priory.

Id tell him to poke it. Father’s Day he picks as dad what to do with his children. Mother’s Day is yours.

Sorry....My husband, a man who didnt physically birth the children, isnt the default parent, isnt the one who has stayed home full time, hasnt done a single night feed ...has the right to decide where the kids go on Mothers Day when I have already expressed what I would like to do that day... just because he also has a mum? Are you joking hun?

What is Fathers day for then?

Sounds to me like neither of you are really up for Compromise, I'm sorry. Yes, I can see it matters very much to you, but your husband should be able to see his Mother on Mother's day, with his kids on some years. So far there have been 2 where you were a mother and both times he hasn't been able to take the kids to his Mum's for a wee while.

He was happy year 1 - he kicked off on year 2 ( presumably because he thought it was fair his Mum got to see the Grandchildren that year) and he's upset again this year because you don't want the children to see his Mum on Mother's day again).

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple.

But you want to make it ALL about you - every year from the sounds of it. Most people find ways to come to a compromise. I suggest you let him take the kids to his Mum's on Mother's day for a couple of hours and enjoy the time to yourself this year - and all go to your Mum's the day before? Then draw up a 2 or 3 year plan for future years so everyone knows where they are every year? Mother's day is for ALL mothers, whatever age their children are and that's where you have to be able to compromise FAIRLY! Yes you are suggesting alternatives, but they are still entirely for your benefit and not agreeing to your Husband's desire to take HIS children with him to his Mum's at least some years

It doesn't need to come to a huge argument every year

So, if on Father's Day she insists upon the kids spending the day with her own father against her DHs wishes, either because he wants to see his own dad or do something special alone with them, that's ok then?

It's not grandmother's day. You get the day with your kids and your mum. He gets the day with his mum (and should be facilitating a card / gift from your kids if they're small).

Is everyone missing that the OP is happy for her husband to spend the day with his mother? She wants to spend her day with hers and her kids.

it's just a made up holiday. why does it matter so much?

tbh even with 'real' holidays, ultimately they r just days .... none of it is worth having aggro over

the issue seems more that each of you are not prioritising how the other person feels

You each should go see your own mums. Kids go with you as it’s Mother’s Day.

vice versa on Father’s Day

What the hell is he going on about? It's not grandparents day. She's had years of being a mum, you haven't. I think mothers day is a pain because it causes this and someone always suffers, usually you

I suggest you show him this thread

All holidays and cultural events are made up?

@reclaimmyboobs I guess I. ean some may have genuine historical or spiritual significance eg. easter/independence day/Hanukkah/eid?

whereas some are just more made up/commercial

but none of it is really worth making this much fuss over?

I wouldn't be dictated to by a complete hypocrite. Do mother's day however you want, it's not about him and his tantrums. You've made perfectly good suggestions and he's completely unwilling to compromise. Tell him you're taking dc to your Dad's on father's day.

Totally agree - i wont even be seeing my own mother on mothers day - her card has just been posted there now. More likely wont see MIL either, see her sat as will be in that area, but more of a coincidence that it's mothers day weekend. Will be spending the day relaxing and having a nice dinner ( its only Wed but its been shite week so far so looking forward to a relaxing weekend ) Dont need to see either mothers just because its mothers day

@Asher09 you've made your mind up you are right, what benefit are you getting from this thread?

It just seems like you want to argue and argue and argue!

You've asked a question and not everyone is going to agree with you.

Just all go out for lunch - ALL the mums in the family.

So much fuss over a commercialised day 🤦‍♀️

I cannot believe anyone gives this much of a shit about mother's day. And for there ro be so many of you caring about it in ONE family.

Ridiculous.

He can go and see his mum on Mother's Day and you and the kids can spend it together or see your mum.

That's what we are doing, as an only child with a widowed mum I wouldn't be going round to spend any time with someone else's mum on Mother's Day (even my lovely MIL). But it would be unreasonable of me to tell my DH he had to do the same, so he can go and see his mum

He has made the comment about his mum never seeing the kids on Mother's Day and I've been quick to say it's not grandmothers day - my kids is with me and I am seeing my mum. There's plenty of other days in the year to see his mum!

You both need to grow up, honestly this is ridiculous

I struggle sharing mother's day with my MIL and would rather it was just the 4 of us. However, my issues stem from losing my own mum before I became a mother, and unfortunately the last time I saw my mum was Mother's day. So I feel a sense of guilt when I share it with my MIL.

It's all compounded with this year with my mum's anniversary on Mother's day this year. But I'm going to try and get passed it this year and we've arranged a meal out for all of us together to mark both occasions. I will still feel sad and guilty but I am going to put that aside for the sake of my DCs and focus on them.

My thinking is you should be grateful you still have both maternal and paternal grandmother's for your children and enjoy being a family all together because for some it just isn't possible.

The more I read, the more I wonder why you are still married to this selfish, pathetic man child!

Then I’m sorry but this is all so ridiculous. It is MOTHER’S DAY. Neither your mum nor your MIL are the mother of your children. You are. Your “D”H sounds like he doesn’t know how to spend time with his own mother, and he wants as many barriers as possible - won’t go without his sister, won’t go without the kids, yet is a complete hypocrite who would never let you take the kids to see their grandfather on Father’s Day. Why is Mother’s Day so bloody different?! You work all the time, you want to see your kids, and both your mum AND your MIL already see your kids multiple times per week. This is all beyond silly. Tell your husband to grow the fuck up and go see his mother on Mother’s Day or don’t, but these are the children YOU gave birth to, and they’re staying home with YOU. And everyone seems to ignore that you still tried to handle the situation by seeing both your mum and MIL on the Saturday, but that’s apparently not enough for your husband. Because…. ? No logical reason in the world. MIL should see the children she birthed on Mother’s Day if that’s what she really wants, and you’ve said you’d be fine with that, and you will do what you want with the children you birthed.

Couldn’t you compromise and let him take one child and you the other (depending on how many you have)