DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

Do you have an assigned social worker/needs assessment for you and your daughter. Our son with SEN can be very difficult, hits out at us, absconds and has the potential to lie about us. SS are good and it is a route to support especially as she is going into adulthood. If he accused us of hitting, if he had a bruise they would not take him away - no capacity, where would he go...bet they wouldn't even visit. Your dd isn't going anywhere but you need to get more things in place for YOU and it is a long road - I can empathise.

The social worker is talking twaddle, PR does not mean that you can be forced to take your child, otherwise all those deadbeat dads that don't see their kids would have their kids forced on them for contact time.

@ApiratesaysYarrr Agreed.

I think what the SW said was awful and potentially even reportable to the relevant council / Social Work England for the failure in safeguarding.

How is it a failure in safeguarding?

@Withinthesewalls I'm sorry but I think it's clear. OP has flagged her daughter's dangerous behaviour. The SW appears to be attempting to force OP to continue to care for her daughter even when OP is at risk. If the daughter goes on to commit harm to herself, OP or a third party, the council cannot then say they were not on notice of the daughter's previous behaviour. Failing to act on the info OP provided could have consequences for all parties.

It is very different for staff, for a kick off they don't deal with it 24/7, they are trained (hopefully) most importantly they don't carry the guilt lots of parents have although it isn't normally anything the parent has done but that doesn't stop the feeling. Comparing what staff in a residential setting do to what a parent does is disingenuous.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

Teenagers and hormones can be vile.

I'd be investing in some sort of camera in the house and perhaps one on your person to record any contact with her, as clearly people have no idea what she can be like.

Stay strong. She doesn't mean what she is saying. It's just the hormones talking.

The op says she is a loving mother who is not a danger to the child.

There aren’t younger children in the house (and if there were often it’s them that would be removed if anyone in this situation).

The op has not said the child is self harming or a risk to herself (and if she was to a level where it raised serious concerns that would be a matter for mental health services- children with mental illnesses are not routinely removed from safe homes)

The op has not said that the child is violent towards the general public or indicated police involvement (and if she had that wouldn’t mean the child would necessarily be taken into care, unless it was behaviour requiring a custodial sentence)

All services will aim to keep the child at home with their families that love them wherever possible- it really isn’t as simple as you think.

There should be much more support on offer and better provision for these situations, but feeding the op incorrect hyperbolic information won’t help her. She needs a realistic understanding and the knowledge of a specialist solicitor.

I know that. Clearly one mum on her own is not the same as (over worked, under trained and supported) staff, sometimes they are better placed to care for children like this- I was responding to a specific point made that implied that the child shouldn’t be anyone’s ‘problem’, when the fact is they are.

@Withinthesewalls my comment is a perfectly factual summary of what has been said on here by OP.

I think that your messages continue to minimise the abuse the OP has said is being inflicted on her by her daughter and her daughter's general risky and dangerous behaviour as well as the lack of appropriate response by the SW.

Also I think it's offensive that you are minimising the OP's daughter's behaviour as not as serious because so far the daughter's offensive behavuor is only aimed at her mother. An abuser is an abuser.

Ok, well clearly you don’t understand how these services work, or how the op is most likely to actually receive the help she needs.

What you are interested in is having a cause to moralise about, which is your prerogative, but is useless to the op and also very boring.

This morning she asked for her phone (Nokia brick that she usually doesn’t want) I told her I don’t have it and she responded with “this is why I don’t want to live with you you’re a fucking tw**” and continued to hurl more abuse about getting me out of her life and me killing myself etc.
I’ve had a meeting with the school because they are the only ones who spoke to DD yesterday and it’s clearly ramped up in 24 hours.
I’ve spoken to SW and withdrew all consent because I just don’t know who to trust now.
Though I have requested a meeting with all professionals as I don’t know what is going on and DD needs a consistent approach as this is spiralling.

“We were limited to where we could go because of his behaviour. He would accuse me of lying to him. He would wear me down and he would tell lies about me. If I asked him to brush his teeth, one day it would be ok, the next he would swear at me and refuse. He would spit at me, he punched holes in doors”.

I have posted two links on this thread, the above is a copy and paste from the Capa First Response website (I think it's on page 10 of this thread) and the website gives a link to email them, and references several other resources. Capa (Child or Adolescent to Parent Abuse) is a ‘First Response’ service to families and professionals impacted by a child using harmful and/or aggressive behaviours in the home.
I don't know if you've checked out the website but it seems to be a good place to get info.

@Flojoloco

OP, please give consideration now to speaking to Coram Child Law, as I suggested before.

I would suggest their bookable call-back service, as you would be speaking to someone directly. Your case is a complex one and there will be things requiring clarification from you.

I think that every option needs to be explored now, including the possibility of your daughter being placed somewhere where her safety and your safety too can be guaranteed.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/booking-a-call-back/

How is that helpful. At our worst point (so far) with DS he was having multiple violent meltdowns a day, I was covered in bruises - my arm was nothing but bruises from him biting me, my back and shoulder were covered in bruises from him slamming me into the wall repeatedly.

I've had trips to A&E with a broken finger and a head injury, police have been called out by people walking past the house. He's kicked holes in doors, punched me in the eye, left me and DH bleeding. He will pull hair as hard as he can. Aim for our knees when kicking. Headbutt and slap us. All the while screaming and shouting abuse at us. He will also try and hurt himself.

I understand about meltdowns, about unmet needs. But facing that level of violence daily was traumatic - to the point where if DS approached me when he wasn't having a meltdown I was involuntarily flinching away from him. I ended up having six weeks off work with stress.

Things have improved hugely, but he still left both of us bleeding two weeks ago because I suggested he have a shower after not washing for three weeks, as he had flu and I said it might help with the cough. He agreed, couldn't actually do it, then became dysregulated, took himself off to his room to try and calm down but couldn't so came back down and had a meltdown.

Social services took her away because you assaulted her, then told you that it was your parental responsibility to keep her. So they obviously don't believe her. That gives you an edge.

Your only recourse is to call the police every time she assaults you.

In our case the police now refuse to come out any more. A parent should be able to manage their child apparently.

The SW had just called again. Pushing me to agree to the medical. Saying if I don’t agree the police will speak to DD in school (and clearly try to persuade her to press charges)

You requested that she be seen by a medical professional yourself, I think.

It's in your interests for that to happen, I would say.

You will take legal advice soon, won't you?

Why wouldn't you agree to a medical?

A medical will be helpful, they can do a basic check of her. Why are you against it? It’s one step to help you both. 💐

I would definitely want her to have a full medical assessment. It's easy for posters to suggest health issues, but it could be something else and medication may be what she needs, we can't know.

There are pointers here of where to look for support and help. I hope you get what you need OP, because the situation sound horrendous for everyone involved.

Agree to the medical, there are other causes of violent behaviour than ND that are physical and pretty serious. Your DD needs care and you are daft to refuse any of it.

You missed my earlier posts about DD doesn’t come home without a proper support package that keeps OP and her siblings safe from harm. I wasn’t suggesting that OP just put up with it. The think about the impact on DD was because OP is of a mindset that her DD is an abuser and I later posted that OP should try and visit her DD wherever she is in care in the interim because being taken like that is very traumatic and if she is isolated and has no contact with her mum, she will destabilise even further.

And children with complex needs like the OP’s DD are much more likely to end up in hostels or B&Bs because of behavioural issues in the more formal care settings.