DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

That’s the wrong way round anyway @AmethystSparkles- they don’t diagnose children with asd because the can’t diagnose bpd- they diagnose a stupid number of asd women with bpd because they don’t recognise that asd presents differently in females.

A child showing signs that in an adult might look like bpd (emotional deregulation, push/pull behaviour, a weak sense of self etc)- which is a pretty shit dumping ground diagnosis anyway- would likely be diagnosed with an attachment disorder caused by some sort of trauma.

Spot on! A friend's only son beat her up mercilessly and that was it: she loves him but he lives in some assisted living place now!

Thats as may be, but it happens.

Where has the OP said she is bruised and battered ? So far DD has caused damage to the home but not assaulted the OP - although she is in no doubt that she is capable of it, it hasn’t happened yet. And it’s not a question of whether DD does or doesn’t ‘wish’ harm. Over a third of those with ND conditions have no concept of the effects of their actions on others because their behavioural issues are a symptom of a condition over which they have no control.

https://capafirstresponse.org/

Link from the BBC airing last night (see my post on page 6 of this thread).
Capa First Response is an online platform for both families & Professionals – supporting those impacted by a child using harmful and/or aggressive behaviours towards a parent or caregiver.

OP you do NOT have to take her back, you do have choices, you just need to stick to your guns that you cannot cope any longer and it is not safe for either you or DD. You are the cheapest option, SW will try to bludgeon you into keeping on going for a while longer, but do what you know is best for you and DD. You're not the first SEND parent who has reached this stage by any means. Please try and find some advocacy and SEND support parent groups who will help and hold your hand. Some children and young people do just reach the point where they need 24 hour professional care to be safe and have their needs met, and a family home just can't do it any longer.

Basically lots of victim blaming.

Depends on who you think is the victim.

Lots of posts here explaining how a fair proportion of neurodiverse people are not capable of recognising the consequences of their actions. The condition robs them of the capability to distinguish between what’s acceptable social behaviour and what isn’t. So given that, this poster is correct in saying that if the DD has a ND condition, her behaviour is likely not intentionally abusive. So if the OP refuses to have DD back, it’s entirely possible that DD will feel the rejection but will be totally incapable of understanding why she has been rejected.

Not saying that OP herself is not a victim - but I think from her posts she recognises that if she is, it’s of circumstance rather than malicious intent from her DD.

She’s not being used as a punching bag. She’s not a ‘support human’, she’s DD’s mother and clearly wants to do her best for her. DD isn’t ‘troubled’ she very likely has a diagnosable ND condition - not the same thing. At all. No one is suggesting OP sacrifice herself - she’s doing everything she can to help her DD but until a diagnosis is in place, realistically there isn’t much help available, other than child services. And from the SW response there doesn’t appear to be much help forthcoming. What’s she supposed to do, throw DD out on the street ?

Protect herself because it doesn't sound like her having her DD back is going to make anything better if there is no support available. She has another child who still needs her even if they are older and moved out. If this continues she will either burn out or get hurt and the DD will be in the same position anyway.

Yep. In 2023 there were 650 young people between the ages of 14 and 15 placed in unregulated accommodation (hostels, B&Bs etc) because residential services refused to take them due to complex needs.

So again, given that there is no support forthcoming from social services what is she supposed to do ? It’s likely DD will end up in a hostel or similar if the LA can’t find residential services willing to take her - a distinct possibility given her complex needs.

At least she'd have a healthy and potentially reasonably rested parent to advocate for her.

And I repeat, none of that matters right now. At the moment, OP is safe, her dd is safe.

Letting dd come back now means OP is back to being scared and abused by someone much bigger than her.

So I think OP is right to refuse to have dd back and tell the SW they need to accommodate dd whilst they plan her support.

She doesn’t have to throw dd out on the streets, because dd is out of her house and safe.

Would you tip a wheelchair user out of their wheelchair and tell them they need to learn to walk the hard way ? No, of course you wouldn’t. So why are you suggesting that a 15 year old girl who very likely has a neurodiverse disability learn ‘the hard way’ when she has little or no capacity to understand the complexities and nuances of socially acceptable behaviour, or to understand the consequences of actions which are a symptom of a condition over which she has no control ? And what ‘entertainment’ would you suggest the OP engage in to take her mind off the fact that her daughter is struggling with enormous mental health issues at the age of 15 ?

For how long ? Given that the SW has put the responsibility for DD back onto OP ?

This is so distressing to read no way should you have to live like that. I'm so sorry you're going through this

I think it's disgusting people saying the OP's child isn't abusive because she doesn't know what she's doing. There's no evidence of that and it's minimising what Op has gone through completely. Unless the daughter has been assessed as not having capacity, if she treated anyone outside of her family like that she could very easily get a criminal record I think we should all remember that.

No. Because asking someone to live with a person that is a danger to them is fucking despicable.
why don’t you volunteer to be punched and hit and screamed at… or is that just for ‘other’ people.

Her daughter is a danger to her. Both must be kept safe.

@LeoTheLeopard agreed it's shocking how many posters are responding to OP treating her as if her safety / well-being should be sacrificed for her daughter

Unregulated accommodation can be a house with staff etc, that is not a registered children's home.

I think it’s disgusting that people are talking about a child showing the symptoms of her multiple disabilities as if she is disposable, something to be got rid of, and not a child who is as much the victim of her conditions as the op, in different ways.

Yes, she needs help. Yes, it might be that residential care would be better for both of them (although it’s unlikely to happen). Yes, something needs to change because neither of them deserve to live in this situation. Yes, it isn’t fair that the system is so fucked that the op has been left to be shouted at and frightened by her child.

but that doesn’t mean the nigh on useless care system is the right place for her.

It can. It can also be hostels and b&bs.

And complex kids with behavioural problems are more likely to end up in (a string of) the latter because they get kicked out of foster homes/schools/therapeutic children’s homes etc.

@Withinthesewalls it's not about the individual it's about the actions. Abuse is abuse, no matter who is doing it no one should have to put up with it and I don't think it helps to say its not the same as a partner. It is exactly the same if OP is getting abused. Whilst you're continuing to prioritise a disabled child (who is actually almost an adult) OP is the real victim getting sidelined and guilt tripped

She is a child- legally, morally, developmentally and emotionally. Services for SEND children are (meant to) extend to 25 rather than 18 to reflect the fact that these children are vulnerable, dependent and developmentally ‘behind’ and need more support for longer.

It isn’t the same as a partner- we choose them and they choose us. Children don’t ask to be born, don’t choose to be disabled and are completely reliant on their parents. There is no duty to a partner- it’s a completely different relationship.

If the op’s daughter could get a space in a residential school or therapeutic children’s home, the op would still care for her, still be advocating for her, still have a responsibility towards her… if you break up with your partner and kick them out, you don’t continue to be morally or legally responsible for them.

no one should have to put up with it

Disabled children exist, someone has to look after them. If it isn’t their parents then it’s the staff of some sort of institution.