DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

There is no one standard treatment but appropriate specialist education, speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, physiotherapy and behaviour management all play a part, but most of these are in conjunction with early intervention, as are various medications. But without a diagnosis I imagine these things would be difficult to access. Below is a link to the National Autistic Society website which you may find useful.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwi6i_m729-EAxU9ZEEAHTbHD2kQFnoECBwQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.autism.org.uk%2Fadvice-and-guidance%2Ftopics%2Fmental-health%2Fseeking-help&usg=AOvVaw286PQH0m9Dy3W1cUOcWfXv&opi=89978449

@formerspedtherapist
People with ADHD are not unable to comprehend and crucially, extrapolate future consequences. Rather, they legitimately struggle with impulse control whilst intellectually being capable of comprehending such consequences.

Yes, but add the lack of impulse control and difficulty in focussing/forgetfulness of ADHD to Autism that prevents you from reading social cues, understanding social rules, and complete lack of awareness of the reaction to your own behaviour, then you have a potent mix that increases the likelihood you will be among the 25% of autistic persons that literally cannot fathom consequences, especially in socio-behavioural situations.

The DD has both ASD and ADHD.

At the end of the day EVERYONE in the home is suffering. OP, DD, all siblings.

You are implying the DD to be institutionalised somewhere like a young offenders prison by saying “If the daughter behaves in such ways, then she is not fit to live in the family unit..”

It sounds to me like the SW's arse has been handed to her in whatever meetings have been had, and she has been told to backtrack.

She is trying to save face and saying the "You have PR, she is your responsibility" and putting the "blame" on you (not that you have any blame!!)

You have the right to live in a home without fears for your safety, without being beaten and bruised and battered. It’s totally irrelevant whether your daughter wishes you harm or has control over her behaviour. I admire you.

A friend works at a SEN school, 3 to 18 years. She has also run a SEN club for 18 to 25 years for over 20 years.

At the club she runs DofE for the youngsters tootles off in a minibus at lakes mountains. It works well.

Whereas at the SEN school the pupils are mollycoddled, allowed to do what they want for 15 years, then they're thrown back to the parents.

The rules put in place for a healthy child ie no you can't do that, please use a knife, fork, spoon, you don't bite others . If you're non verbal use the signs. All bad behaviour is excused by parents and the school. Friend says that the mollycoddling by the school is a disservice to the child and parent.

There's a mountain of guilt put on the parents by the state.

Thank you for saying this

I knew a family member experiencing similar issue. Accusations of hitting etc. The teenager got the bruise checked out by some specialist medical team working with the police and it concluded that what the child was saying did not fit with the brusie that was shown to the police. So it came back as false accusation. There was so many other things went on years, even now this person is quite controlling. Years later the child, now an adult said at the time they loved wrapping the social workers round their finger and all the attention they got. There was also an element of control, they enjoyed the control of the whole situation and how they could cause all this drama and attention.
I think you need to be tough here, loving but tough. Do the right thing for your own mental health too, she seriously needs consequences for this

You said ‘If the daughter behaves in such ways then she is not fit to live in the family unit at everyone else’s expense and health.’ And nowhere have I said that the OP’s feelings and mental health are in any way less important than her DD’s. Unfortunately some posters here are giving the OP the impression she can expect support from social services. I think the attitude of the SW makes it plain that that isn’t going to happen without a struggle. If at all.

Exactly. I as a parent would dream of escaping under a false name sometimes.

Its up to the OP to decide the best cause of action once available options have been discussed with SW(although they seem to be very unhelpful at this point in time).

The social worker will threaten you with being charged with Child Abandonment - this is where a parent refuses to have their child back and social workers have no grounds to remove them.
Email the Social worker and ask where she was taken when she left with her, has she had a child protection medical, and what their plans are to accommodate her moving forward.
Get a family solicitor ASAP - can't emphasise this enough - ring one today and get your ducks in a row. The solicitor will deal with the social workers solicitors and any fault on the part of the social worker will be found and the solicitors will know what the provisions for your DD should be and why they haven't been provided so far.

Stick to your guns!

All parents have parental rights when their child initially gets removed. This does not stop a child from being accommodated!

I think you need to be tough here, loving but tough. Do the right thing for your own mental health too, she seriously needs consequences for this

And given everything that’s been said about the very real possibility that an ND condition has rendered the DD incapable of recognising consequences, and that her behaviour is a symptom of that condition and unmet needs, what exactly do you propose she do ? OP is in the process of seeking a diagnosis and support for her DD, and until that happens she doesn’t really know what she’s dealing with.

@Flojoloco This sounds like excellent advice and something that you should do right away.

I know that charity well. Unfortunately, because my cousin has never been formally diagnosed they won't get involved. I've asked his GP to put him on the list for formal diagnosis and the GP has said 'What's the point at this stage? We all know he's austistic' and refused. I (briefly) found a social worker prepared to look at his situation. She didn't see much point in him being diagnosed because she didn't think it would make any difference — because he was unlikely to be able to access any extra support. As she said in a moment of candour, what he really needs is a support worker, domestic help and, before long, a care or nursing home — or, looking at me, 'a relative who'll move him in with them and look after him 24/7 for the rest of his life.'

I've also tried Mencap and every other charity that might remotely apply. If you're so severely impaired that you attract PIP and other payments that make it financially viable for them to help you, they will. But if you don't, even if your life is a complicated string of poor decisions and disasters because you can't make sensible decision, there's sod-all available.

Actually the OP won’t know the best course of action until the ongoing assessment process is complete and DD has a diagnosis. Until then she doesn’t really know what she’s dealing with, so what’s best for her may not be right for her DD.

It was more you saying OP shouldn't view her dd's behaviour as abuse or view herself as being being abused every day, and you telling OP to think about the impact she's having on her dd by not letting her back.

Basically lots of victim blaming.

And no, since there has been no support package for 15 years I doubt there will be one now. Once dd is back at OP's the SW will wash her hands off her.

The current situation where the OP is used as punching bag/support human isn't going to be therapeutic for this troubled young person. Why sacrifice yourself if it achieves nothing?

I don’t have any personal experience in this.

But it feels extraordinarily simplistic to think that the child is going to ‘learn’ quickly from this and be able to transform for the ‘better’ from this experience.

And it seems very naive to think the child is now going to walk straight into a lovely local residential facility, with no assessments, funding battles or placement issues.

Some people don’t live in the real world.

Like many families I guess that the OP and child will be let down by poorly funded systems and be at their wits’ end.

What a load of fucking bollocks.

I expect this is a reflection on the poor knowledge, attitude and skills of your friend rather than an indulgent approach by the school and parents.

OP in your shoes I would ask to speak to (or email) the SW's manager and maybe even the one above that. As a PP said have it all in writing going forward.

I'm sorry the SW is back tracking, its not on to do that to you.

We have a system in this country where by people are expected to care for and provide for their children primarily themselves, and if you want anything extra you pay for it yourself.

There is always uproar from certain groups if more money is spent. Think of the push back about free school meals in the holidays, the threads on here complaining if some children get free holiday clubs because their parents are poor, the suggestion that child benefit be extended to all children again is met with derision.

No one wants disabled children in their kids classes taking up too much time, or getting free access for their carers to the zoo, they object to them using the wheelchair/vulnerable passengers seats on the bus, and they think not wanting to queue means they should have first dibs on the accessible toilets and damn the consequences ffs.

While this is how disabled people are viewed by society these types of problems will always exist.

If the people aren’t valued (as shown by some of the lovely posters on this thread who can’t even be arsed to educate themselves a bit), the services won’t be provided- and children and their (nearly always) mothers will suffer.

edited to say @Rosscameasdoody I didn’t mean to quote you but it won’t let me delete it.

Not cool to be suggesting OP's DD has BPD, just because descriptions make you feel uncomfortable. She needs proper assessment.