To get angry if interrupted when eating?

[MM1972]

I have blown my top recently. I've exploded with anger after just sitting down to eat and my partner has started to tell me I must do something. I've requested to be allowed to finish eating but they continue repeatedly telling me I must do this that or the other. On one occasion I scraped my dinner, which I'd just prepared myself, into the bin, turned my phone off and drove to McDonald's.
The same thing happens when
using the bathroom.

I have lunch at work on the hoof and really only get to sit down at dinner and going to the bathroom.
Personally I would never order my partner to do anything. I ask for their help if needed.

I would never shout orders at someone when they are using the bathroom or when they have just sat down to eat.

Is my need to be able to eat without having someone bark the same instructions at me over and over unreasonable? Perhaps a sign of autism? Or is my partner unreasonable for not allowing me to eat in peace?

So is the nub of it @MM1972 that you won't ever willingly leave this relationship because you won't tolerate the thought of your current partner deciding to deliberately alienate you from your shared children?

But reading between the lines, I do get the feeling you do a lot of 'not allowing', and complaining about your partner's 'nagging', whilst you call her a bastard.

I'm trying to be factual and also point out my own flaws or foibles. And not get into he said/ she said.

We are not arguing all the time. My partner is seemingly unable to respect my meal time or 'crapping time' for want of a better description.

They consider it's ok to shout at me from several rooms away to do something. Even if I'm literally shitting. I don't think shouting from several rooms away is ok. If they need me they can come and speak face to face. Should they find that I'm otherwise occupied then they should not start shouting orders at me through the door.

What does your partner say when you say to them that it's not how adults should treat each other, to shout instructions at each other from other rooms?

What would you or your partner say to one of your shared children if they did this towards one of their siblings or to either of you?

Not entirely. Or not at all. With my previous relationship I explained to my ex I was very unhappy, thinking we could work on things but was just told to leave. Thereafter I was barely allowed to see the children and they were told I was barely providing any money. In fact I was paying both mortgages and getting further into debt whilst the ex was taking the family on a cruise every year plus other holidays in between. The other kids don't know this yet as I have not told them. They are old enough to hear it now though.

My current partner is an angel compared to my ex. We do argue occasionally but I've never once been given the silent treatment. Whereas the ex could have gone weeks giving silence while saying nothing was wrong.

I don't 'not allow' anything. I've never stopped them doing what they want. I strongly disagree with the expenditure. But ultimately I have no say in it.

On the tomato issue. I find it amusing it doesn't make me angry at all. But they feel I'm criticising they way they do it.

But you say she does it wrongly. And are amused by this. If you're saying something is wrong, it is a criticism, or at the very least can reasonably be taken as one. And then you are amused by that. That would really wind me up.

And I'm going to take a wild guess that you're male OP and your partner is female but you're being cagey about your genders because you think if you posted as male, with a female partner, you'd get less sympathy.

That poem suggests you will fuck them up despite your best efforts. I can't see how exposing them to the toxic relationship you have described is anyone's best efforts. I can't post any more, I am putting myself in your child's shoes and finding it quite upsetting how blind you are to the damage.

On the tomato issue. They are 100% wrong from a culinary perspective. But it's the way they like to do it. So I'll not mention it again.

I will also make it clear that if I'm eating I don't want to be disturbed. If I'm needed for something that I want to be asked not ordered and that this should be done face to face and never shouted from several rooms away.

Whether they are male or female and whether we are in a same sex or heterosexual relationship should not matter.

Does a person have a right to enjoy their only sit down meal of the day in peace without being repeatedly ordered to do something else so they end up choking on their food?

They do really well at school academically and have no behavioural issues at school.

i don't set out to have arguments. I let almost everything go until it becomes too much.

Maybe I need to lay out a clear expectation that I really must have 5 minutes without interruptions or nagging to eat my meals. If I can't have that then it isn't going to work.

Oh the hyperbole!

You won't choke from being ordered about when you're eating. And how tomatoes are sliced is a personal preference, there is no right or wrong. There might be better or worse for a particular purpose, and there might be your preferred way of doing it. But only a dick would criticise how someone else slices tomatoes for themselves, or for other people to eat.

You don't have a right to eat in silence unless you live alone. If your partner talks to you normally then you can manage to answer kindly, at least with a minimum "can we talk about that after I've finished eating".

Of course you should be able to eat and use the toilet in peace..BUT you are clearly a voluntary participant in this toxic mess of a relationship. First you change yourself. It starts WITH YOU. Do you have to be right? Do you have to argue your point? Are there hills you are willing to die on?

If you actually care about changing your life you do the following things:

1. You stop trying to control, influence and lecture your spouse
2. You put up calm boundaries. They shout at you? No response. Imagine a silent bubble around yourself, finish what your doing in peace, and THEN get on with the dishes or whatever. But without response.

You have to own your own life and behaviours, and let her (i suspect its your wife) run hers. When you stop blaming, and take full control of yourself, others around will adjust. One way or the other.

Whether they are male or female and whether we are in a same sex or heterosexual relationship should not matter.

If it doesn't matter, how about you use plain English so we can all follow what you say easier. If it doesn't matter when why hide it?

This sounds exhausting and frankly a miserable way to live (are you shitting on the loo for hours as a means of escape from DP?)

You need to sitdown and talk anddecide whether theres a way forward - together or apart. Must be a miserable existence for your DC.

Yep I feel this pain, although it's my 3 year old barking orders at me instead! Even then I explain to him he needs to be patient, your husband is a fully grown man he needs to get a grip and talk to you afterwards. Dickhead.

Just realised you haven't actually said the gender. My bad! But same if the partner is a fully grown woman, she'd need to be patient and chose her timings well too!

Honestly. I think I'd eat my dinner first in the kitchen, if my partner was like that. Then I'd give him his dinner, then go tidy up.

I am getting the sense you are a man and your partner is female and you are using "they" so the responses aren't skewed

I think being ordered about by a partner is well beyond a line of acceptable behaviour, regardless of what you are doing.

But, it's tricky to understand the full picture without understanding what the request was, and whether it's an issue that relates to one of the partnership slacking.

If it's something like "the baby is crying and you are responsible for them while I'm working" that is a reasonable reason to interrupt a meal or bathroom trip.

Whether they are male or female and whether we are in a same sex or heterosexual relationship should not matter.

The power imbalances are often different depending on which sex someone is. Women tend to act differently in relationships with men to how they act with women and to how men act with women. Women are socialised to try to be more 'pleasant', people pleasing and less aggressive. We're generally not as good at asserting boundaries, partly through socialisation, partly because if you're dealing with someone bigger and more powerful than you, you just tend to appease more.

So sometimes advice will be different, depending on the sex of the person you're dealing with. It's easier to say to a man 'just leave'. You have to be careful saying that to a woman, because they are statistically far more likely to be at risk of violence if they do so.

Also, when people tie themselves in knots not mentioning the sexes of those involved, it feels like a trap. It feels as if you expect the advice to be skewed and are performing some sort of experiment so you can say 'tsk, those women on Mumsnet, so sexist, totally different advice if they think you're a woman'. I mean really, either you want the advice or you don't, because we're all sexist, shrewish harpies who can't get a man.

And there is no 100 per cent with regard to tomato cutting. I would say there are faults on both sides of your relationship OP but there is a rigidity in your thinking that I would find very hard to deal with.

I find it interesting that every time someone mentions the tomatoes or tupperware, you have to respond, you can't let it go. It sounds like your relationship is not in the best health and you'd think that would be your focus - but you are so easily drawn into tomatoes and tupperware. Repeatedly. Is this indicative of what your relationship is like?

Maybe your partner is asking you to do things whilst you're eating because it's easier for them to get a moment to speak?

Maybe it's because you're away three nights a week and get home late, and they're trying to ask you for help when you're around?

If you're in the toilet long enough for them to shout things at you through the door, are you in there on your phone hiding from responsibilities? How long do you spend in the bathroom?

But my partner had my back when the armed response unit arrived.

You can’t ask for more than that really, OP. Screw the requirements of being left to eat in peace. You now know when the shit hits the fan, he’s there.

I would very much hope that my partner would have my back when the armed response team shows up and I definitely know I would have his. Although we haven’t yet faced this exact situation I suspect that I could handle it.

Silly question as you have not been made aware what the OP's role is in life or of their OH

It could be the OH is working 7 days a week 12 hours a day.

I just find Philip Larkin's poem pertinent in that parents unintentionally inflict trauma on their kids some times.

The key word here is unintentional.

What you’re doing is fully intentional, which is completely different and much much worse. Sorry to be blunt but it is. All of this mad behaviour and conflict will completely be affecting them, plus the clutter, shouting, dinner in bin, SWAT teams, obese teenagers, estranged step siblings is in no way normal surely you can see that? There’s a massive amount of drip feed here- the shouting at dinner is the least of your worries.

And academic success is in no way a good indicator of how your kids are doing. It’s a sad fact that most of the suicides I know in young people are from really high academic achievers. Scratch beneath the surface of a top student living in this sort of environment and you’d be lucky not to find some serious problems.

I think you need some kind of counselling or therapy, family or joint, and if it doesn’t work then yes two separate households.