To get angry if interrupted when eating?

[MM1972]

I have blown my top recently. I've exploded with anger after just sitting down to eat and my partner has started to tell me I must do something. I've requested to be allowed to finish eating but they continue repeatedly telling me I must do this that or the other. On one occasion I scraped my dinner, which I'd just prepared myself, into the bin, turned my phone off and drove to McDonald's.
The same thing happens when
using the bathroom.

I have lunch at work on the hoof and really only get to sit down at dinner and going to the bathroom.
Personally I would never order my partner to do anything. I ask for their help if needed.

I would never shout orders at someone when they are using the bathroom or when they have just sat down to eat.

Is my need to be able to eat without having someone bark the same instructions at me over and over unreasonable? Perhaps a sign of autism? Or is my partner unreasonable for not allowing me to eat in peace?

Sometimes I feel a bit different. But I don't score highly in any online autism / Asperger's tests.

No relationship is ever perfect. I'm just happy if I can avoid repeating mistakes I made earlier in life or that I felt my parents did incorrectly with me. For one I'll answer any question honestly in a way I think they'll understand. Apart from Santa. But the youngest will be having her last Santa Christmas this year.

i always found this pertinent though.

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Well you've not taken your own advice there, as you've had at least three children...

Look, either plan to separate and sort out your house and job to enable you to have your children 50/50, or if you won't do that then invest in some individual and then some couples therapy.

I'm definitely not autistic and I get really cross when people speak to me when I'm eating my lunch. I don't think it means there is anything wrong with you.

What a totally miserable relationship.

I feel so sorry for the kids. You and your partner sound awful.

As far as I can tell they are ok.

They are not OK.

Both boys have finished not only top of the class but top of the school academically.

I have no reason to believe that the kids love us. We don't argue all the time but I would nevertheless like fewer arguments.

Thanks for your judgement though.

I just find Philip Larkin's poem pertinent in that parents unintentionally inflict trauma on their kids some times.

What my parents did to me would maybe get you in prison these days. What my grandparents did was even worse. Some of it may have been related to poverty.

Seriously? What you want out of a relationship is that it's not bad 100% of the time? You really need to raise your ambitions.

Your partner is not going to stop shouting at you or leaving her disgusting plates in the sink or spending your money. In fact she isn't your partner in any sense that anyone else would define as partnerships. This relationship just isn't worth continuing with.

If anyone is autistic I suspect it's your partner, if she can't stop herself repeatedly barking the same orders about things she knows you are going to do anyway.

Yes, parents do often inflict trauma whilst not doing so as a conscious choice. Larkin's advice is to leave the family as soon as possible and not to have children yourself.

You are risking (and may already have) damaging your children by remaining in this limited and negative relationship. You are modelling their future relationships for them. You need to either actively decide to leave and put that plan into place, or if you for some reason want to stay in this relationship, do some serious work on the relationship and your own issues, via therapy/counselling or other appropriate technique. Your partner needs to be onboard with this too, for it to have a chance of succeeding.

How can you complain about parents fucking up their kids when your family home sounds dysfunctional.

I think you both sound exhausting and you both should learn that there's more to life than getting into dysfunctional relationships and having kids.

And yes the "they" is annoying. Is your partner a centaur?

We are both human.

I'm not complaining about anyone fucking up their kids. I'm saying a bit of disfunction is normal enough.

I'm sure there were arguments in previous generations that were different. My parents would never have argued about the dishwasher. Only because there wasn't one.

Yet you refer to your boys and the eldest DD as she

Youngest DD.

No. Eldest DD.
It's extremely cluttered with our kids stuff and their elder daughters stuff who uses our flat as storage. It would fail health and safety if it was a workplace. I don't get on with the elder daughter and resent her using our flat for her stuff

It's clear your partner is a man anyway

I think the vast, vast majority of humans and centaurs would have ended things somewhere around “SWAT team”, before it even got to something as serious as Tupperware in the microwave.

Ear plugs?

My ex used to do this to me, like you i only had tome to have one meal a day at the table and he knew it drove me mad not having a meal in peace, i don't mean silence i just mean not having someone going on and on at me. Your Husband is doing it to annoy you, he is ordering you around because he has no respect for you. Do yourself a favour and just git rid of him. There is no point in trying to fix a relationship when one half dislikes the other. No point at all.

But my partner had my back when the armed response unit arrived. The oldest daughter was being a dick. She thought I would back down over the husky because I'd said nothing the previous 11 years.

I hate to bring up dishes again, but the boyfriend had also cooked and left the sink full of dishes and dirty pans such that nobody else could use the sink or cook anything. I probably would have let that pass on its own but was already simmering when the husky arrived.

OP: a bit of disfunction is normal

Also OP:

You seem extremely rigid and unable to take criticism. What you've described does sound like a poor environment for kids but instead of acknowledging this you're insisting that it's better than the way your parents raised you, or whatever. It doesn't matter that it 'could be worse'. That's a very low bar to have: yes the home environment is toxic but at least I don't beat them heehee?

Maybe it's not what you meant but it is how it came across. You're not painting a very good picture of yourself. The way you write is quite stilted though - I'm wondering if you're not native and some of this is not coming across how you mean it to?

Edited to fix typo.

Parental alienation is another story. Those children are unaffected by the current situation. But one mistake I'm keen to not repeat is allowing a partner to continually bad mouth me in my absence.

So you think badmouthing each other in the children's presence is any better for these children??