To get angry if interrupted when eating?

[MM1972]

I have blown my top recently. I've exploded with anger after just sitting down to eat and my partner has started to tell me I must do something. I've requested to be allowed to finish eating but they continue repeatedly telling me I must do this that or the other. On one occasion I scraped my dinner, which I'd just prepared myself, into the bin, turned my phone off and drove to McDonald's.
The same thing happens when
using the bathroom.

I have lunch at work on the hoof and really only get to sit down at dinner and going to the bathroom.
Personally I would never order my partner to do anything. I ask for their help if needed.

I would never shout orders at someone when they are using the bathroom or when they have just sat down to eat.

Is my need to be able to eat without having someone bark the same instructions at me over and over unreasonable? Perhaps a sign of autism? Or is my partner unreasonable for not allowing me to eat in peace?

I like to eat in silence and enjoy my meals, it’s very pleasurable and is a nice break. My DH enjoys his breakfast with a nice coffee and read of the papers alone, it’s a morning ritual that I don’t disturb as it settles his mind for the day. But I had to learn to leave him alone in that time the hard way! I am chattier in the morning and he needs to have quiet time.

I have to eat dinner alone and regroup just like he does for breakfast. It isn’t weird to us, seems normal that if eating alone is more pleasurable and relaxing then why not allow the other to relax and have a few precious moments to enjoy a meal?

Please.

Why are you being 'ordered' to do anything??

That's the main point!

This whole thing sounds incredibly toxic and disfunctional

How old are the children?

It seems like you both have issues here to be honest. You’ve reached the point in your relationship where it’s become all about the small stuff and needing to “win” or have your own way. You’re getting angry over tomatoes for gods sake. You clearly resent your partner for numerous reasons.

It’s completely ridiculous and unreasonable that you have a dishwasher you never use when clearly dishes are major source of conflict. If necessary go buy some more teaspoons/mugs/whatever “runs out” when the dishwasher is full. Agree in advance who is responsible for loading and emptying the dishwasher. Get the kids involved if they’re old enough. Run the dishwasher every day even if it’s not totally full so that there is a predictable routine to it. Studies show its cheaper than washing dishes by hand due to water and energy costs.

Sit down with your partner and have an honest discussion about how you’re feeling but also be open to hearing how they are feeling. Neither of you will likely like what you hear. What you feel is unreasonable nagging while you’re eating may be seen on their side as the only time available to talk to you about urgent household tasks that aren’t getting done. Exploding with anger and storming out like a teenager may be further hampering honest communication. If you can get couples therapy then do so as it seems urgently needed.

I would frequently batch cook. If I'm doing a curry it's the same effort to do 8 portions as it is one. So I'll put 3 double portions in the freezer. I've already bought the Tupperware. It's airtight and keeps food fresh. It's just not ok to microwave.

Neither of you sound great. He orders you to do the washing up before you've even eaten your meal and you criticise him for how he cuts tomatoes.

Maybe he is fed up of being the sole parent for much of the time given you are away 3 nights a week and back later on the other nights. And it's this leading to resentment.

This is not about the cooking. Or the eating. Or the washing up.

It all sounds like hell on earth to me, honestly.

On the tomato issue. I find it amusing it doesn't make me angry at all. But they feel I'm criticising they way they do it.

I do feel I'm at a point where if I can't be allowed to finish a meal in peace I'd rather be alone.

i often think they don't understand how they come across when issuing orders.

We were renting a house and some things needed addressed. They sent a list of demands to the landlord. I thought it came across as very cheeky and would certainly have phrased things differently. We got evicted shortly afterwards. So I don't think it's only me that finds the demands hard to listen to.

This could be it. I'm self employed. I own a house. They insisted on setting up a house 40 miles away to be close to their elder daughter who now has her own kid and own home.

Money is tight because I'm still paying a mortgage and commuting and they are renting. They spend about £300 a month on various entertainment packages as well. This is while owing thousands on CC debt. I have zero say in anything financial.

Why do you need the gender?

Nothing you describe sounds like a partnership at all. I'm amazed that you have three shared children together, and live so separately both physically, financially and emotionally.

What positive things does this relationship bring you?

That will dictate how you write. Not how other people write.

**This could be it. I'm self employed. I own a house. They insisted on setting up a house 40 miles away to be close to their elder daughter who now has her own kid and own home.

Money is tight because I'm still paying a mortgage and commuting and they are renting. They spend about £300 a month on various entertainment packages as well. This is while owing thousands on CC debt. I have zero say in anything financial.**

Yes, it all sounds pretty shit. But it still isn’t unreasonable that you want to eat in blessed silence. Take your food, barricade yourself in a room, relax, and enjoy.

@MM1972

Is it right, in your opinion, for adults to order each other around? If so, do you think it should be a mutual right in a relationship, or for there to be one 'boss' and one 'underling'?

Take this outside of yourself for a minute. Look at the situation objectively. What d'you think/feel about the issue of one adult being in charge of another, in an intimate relationship setting?

Agreed. I’m getting stressed out just reading each update from the OP, so I can only imagine how stressful it must be in that house.

OP, you both seem like a nightmare to live with, and clearly are not compatible.

The way your partner barks orders at you is unacceptable, but if you’re nitpicking and criticizing everything they do because it’s not the way you’d do it, then you’re just as bad, really.

We don't argue every single minute. Financially they are a disaster zone. Their previous partner was financially controlling, I've been told. Now they buy what they want even when it's not affordable. They had 25k in credit card debt.

I was asked to lend them 25k (which I couldn't). I suggested bankruptcy (they wouldn't)

i wouldn't mind so much if there was anything tangible left. But it's been spent on graze boxes, charity donations, craft gin club, pies in the post, bt tv package and sky package. Nothing we couldn't do without. Every single penny I've contributed to the household goes to their card debts.

You both sound like you can’t ever compromise: it’s a battleground, not a relationship. They “insist” on a place to live, you “resent” their child. You’ve already bought the Tupperware, damnit, and you will NOT change it! (Freezer bags squashed flat are a more efficient use of space anyway.) It’s the epitome of sweating the small stuff, laughing at how your partner cuts tomatoes while they nag you back about dishes and for some reason, neither of you can work a dishwasher.

You've got a house you can go back to, why not do that? Cut the commute, cut your losses. Don’t stay together for the kids – what kid wants to grow up among this much toxicity?

Just to clarify, because you're not being clear.

Are the expecting you to stop eating, and go do whatever it is they're going on about right then and there? Or are they discussing what you need to do afterward you've finished eating?

Not that i'm condoning the latter, but the first is 100% unacceptable in every way, shape, and form, and the latter is fucking annoying, but you need to help yourself and just tune it out/ignore it, stop defending yourself and just eat your food. You can get to it when you're ready (or tell them to do it if they're that uptight about it, honestly)

You both sound short-tempered, intolerant and utterly disenchanted with one another.

I'd suggest counselling but you both sound like you barely tolerate each other, surely the kids would be happier with separated, happy parents who aren't arguing about money, washing up and Tupperware?

You can't leave this twat because you don't have enough money, but they spend thousands of pounds on shite which you pay for, in a rented house, while your own bought house is down the road?

You'd be massively better off without them?

I'm autistic. It'd be a contributing sign if you had others going on, but on its own, no.

Being angry in this situation sounds normal, irrespective of any neurodivergence.

Regarding Tupperware - microwaving plastic introduces known carcinogens into the food. This is definitely not a trivial argument. I don't want to increase the chances of my kids getting cancer. End of. If someone else is unaware of the risks I suggest they educate themselves. Finally if I've paid for the Tupperware and paid and prepared for the food I don't want either being destroyed in the microwave. The tupperware is now badly pitted and not suitable for anything.

The way dishes are done doesn't matter as long as they are clean. I don't believe I can produce clean dishes from a sink of murky grey soup.

i did a PhD in chemistry and having trace contamination in containers was a disaster. Call it OCD or autism but I like to eat from clean dishes and cutlery. I certainly have zero objection to doing dishes. If I'm doing them I'm doing them my way.

@MM1972 it sounds like you have a lot of contempt for your partner, and their decisions.

I appreciate that you don't argue all the time, but where is the joy and the positive partnership?? Is there any? You don't seem to want to answer this, and instead want to talk a lot about tupperware...