Invited to hen but not wedding?

[Numnumnumnums]

That’s weird right?

friend is getting married. Invited to hen do (it’s abroad so paid my part, few hundred) received my save the date to the wedding, but not an actual invite to the wedding. Then saw on social media a post chasing people for their rsvp at the end of the month. Turns out I wasn’t invited.

no fall out, not an intimate family wedding. But that’s weird right to invite someone to the hen (especially a paid for one far away) and not to invite them to the wedding?

yabu-no it’s common
yanbu- yeah that’s weird and i wouldn’t go to the hen

Id demand my money back sorry but couldnt give a monkeys who it inconvenienced

I also think the hen will be awkward now . Especially after a few drinks . The dentists sounds more welcoming !

@Numnumnumnums

Sorry if this has been asked - I couldn't see a question on it.

Do you know if you are the only one on the hen do that is on that weekend but not invited to the wedding?

I think that will be quite a painful weekend listening to all of the excited chattering about the wedding. I would have thought that you would constantly be feeling (very understandably) quite a lot of resentment and left out if it's only you that's in this position. Even if there were say 5 of you on the hen but not at the wedding- I still feel that this would create a divide in the group - the others would doubtless feel the same as you.

Also - how bothered are you about having her in your life after this?

I totally concur that she has acted terribly (with the Save the date on top) but I think there would be many people out there who would only see the 'but she pulled out of my hen do' side of it rather than acknowledging why you pulled out. Which doesn't make her an empathetic or understanding friend - but might also end the friendship. Would this bother you and to what degree?

To be honest I’m too embarrassed to ask. I’ve just ignored the chat.

tbh I’m not fussed, this person hasn’t really been in my life in any meaningful way for a while, so I’m pretty used to it.

tbh even if on the best of terms someone pulled out for financial reasons on a hen do of escalating cost, any decent person would understand that. At least I would

@Numnumnumnums

Agreed!

I think sometimes it’s ok for a hen to include people who aren’t invited to the wedding, colleagues, friends you don’t see often, so long as they are told at the time they are invited. They might be up for a night out or even a trip abroad knowing they won’t be going to the main event.

But I think in this situation, where you had been close enough friends for her and her parents to have been invited to your wedding, you were maybe being used from the outset. Is it possible that you were making up the numbers to keep costs down overall making it cheaper for the others individually?

I think I’d pay the balance owed solely because I’d not pulled out when the cost first increased. But I’d make it very clear I wasn’t happy about it as had I known I wasn’t invited to the wedding I wouldn’t have been going to the hen night at any price.

Then on the morning of the wedding I would start the day with a rain dance followed by all sorts of voodoo and Witchery to create havoc and messy, but not life threatening, food poisoning for the selfish cow.

Or you could just tell her you’re not going.

I don't think it's rude or poor etiquette to invite people to the hen and not wedding. Some people are under pressure by family to invite long lost relatives. If say you are limited to 100 guests, have a large family and have to invite children or aunts you haven't seen for years, then you'll have little room for friends. The hen is more of a last hurrah and will often involve a very different set of people. The only bit that's rude here is sending you a save the date without an invitation, or waiting you to find out you weren't invited. A none wedding guest hen attendee would absolutely not be expected to chip in to cover the bride's expenses on the trip BTW.

Is a bit rude of them to give you a save the date and then not invite you

I wouldn't mind so much not being invited to the wedding but the hen as it's still your choice whether to go or not

Hi op did you go on the hen?

Did I heck, no I didn’t. I got my deposit back too 👍🏻

Result!
Hope the dental appointment went well😁

I absolutely 100% would not go to a hen party if I wasn't invited to the wedding. Fuck that!

What a very odd - and rude thing for someone to do!

Haha. I remember this thread. So glad you didn’t go. You deserve better. Out of curiosity did we ever ascertain what the fuckery her problem was?

I’m totally with you on this. I know how you feel. It happened to a group of our friends. We paid good money for the hen then only went to the night do. Was good in a way because it made us realise what we mean to her. At least we know where we are in terms of our friendship. The shock is massive though. It all felt underhand. Don’t give a wedding gift, a card will do.

Yes! Minor triumph.

" sorry I should’ve told you earlier "
wtf? Friendship over I'm afraid.

Couldn't cope with your loss?

Good. Glad you didn't go.

Bugger me, this is a whole new level of fuckwittery to me!

I would much prefer to go to a decent hen do and miss the wedding. I think that’s a perfect outcome.

I had a meal at prezzo for my hen do and a lot of my work colleagues came. I didn't invite anyone from work to my wedding. It was only 40 close family and friends for the wedding. Everyone paid for what they eat at prezzo. No one expected to come to the actual wedding. Is it something like that op?

Yeah that happened to me. Bride made it worse by lying, she was giving out invitations to the wedding at her hen do, said to me “ooh I left yours in the car”. So I assumed I was invited but she had just been scatty. When invite still hadn’t arrived by a fortnight before the wedding, I texted to check the arrangements. She took 2 days to reply to me and then told me the details for the evening. I didn’t have a plus one, so I arrived by myself at 7:30 to find that all our mutual friends and everyone else from the hen had already been there for the day reception. It was clear to me that I had never been on her guest list at all, but the bride was too cowardly to tell me. I felt so uncomfortable and like a party crasher, I didn’t eat any of the food and left after a couple of hours. Most unpleasant experience ever.

YANBU OP, some people will use you to make up the numbers at a party but don’t really see you as a friend. This one of your sounds like a real user.

And it’s totally different to example given of work colleagues for a meal out. A hen-do abroad is a different ball-game altogether.

Well done OP!
Was there any reaction from the bride ?

Well done op!!! Thanks for the update

Excellent update? Did the bride ever apologise OP?

Sorry for the ? that should have been a ! after update ☺️

It wasn’t like that no, it was a rather expensive long weekend away by coach and ferry, plus I’d had a save the date.

Maybe the bride felt some kind of way but it wasn’t communicated to me, the organisers was fairly sympathetic, I said I can’t make it anymore, think I said delay in a large payment I was expecting (which actually did happen but wasn’t the reason for my not going) and they refunded the money, I messaged in the group saying it and they were all like ‘see you at the wedding’ ‘ look forward to meeting you’….. all I could do was a thumbs up emoji react to that 😂

after the wedding I did send a congratulations message and she did reply saying how lovely the wedding was and I was like great, glad to hear it, catch up soon 👍🏻 and that appears to be the end of that