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Original poster

Invited to hen but not wedding?

156 replies

Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:14

That’s weird right?

friend is getting married. Invited to hen do (it’s abroad so paid my part, few hundred) received my save the date to the wedding, but not an actual invite to the wedding. Then saw on social media a post chasing people for their rsvp at the end of the month. Turns out I wasn’t invited.

no fall out, not an intimate family wedding. But that’s weird right to invite someone to the hen (especially a paid for one far away) and not to invite them to the wedding?

yabu-no it’s common
yanbu- yeah that’s weird and i wouldn’t go to the hen

OP posts:
Miniwinnie · 05/03/2024 21:56

Don’t go to the hen, just don’t turn up and if she asks where you are, just a simple “oh sorry, I should’ve told you”. Just so rude to not invite you but expect you to make up the numbers for the hen do.

DorisDoesDoncaster · 05/03/2024 21:58

Would not dream of doing that to someone (unless they had done it me…)

morningsnig · 05/03/2024 22:02

A pre wedding local meal out + evening invite is fine.

A hen party abroad + evening invite, or no invite at all is bad manners

LouOver · 05/03/2024 22:04

If other people have paid a good portion for you for the hen I can understand you being stuck but have you thought about how awful your going to feel at the hen when there talking about the wedding.

Can you ask if anyone else from the hen party is now uninvited?

tillytown · 05/03/2024 22:07

Is there a group chat for the hen do? Go on there, say you have been uninvited to the wedding so you'll be needing your money back. Then use that money to pay for your new dental work. And don't feel bad, you didn't uninvite yourself, the bride did.

WeAreWarriorsWeAreWarriors · 05/03/2024 22:14

Most of the time I am on the fence about these threads but being sent a save the date and it being a foreign hen has tipped it. It's so rude to uninvite you but expect you to go to the hen. I'd can it. Even if you lose the money you'd not lose the spending money. Then distance yourself.

morningsnig · 05/03/2024 22:15

"Hi Hens. Feel a bit awkward but realise now I'm not invited to the wedding. Accepted the hen trip after getting my save the date card but would feel uncomfortable going on the hen trip so bowing out. I'm sure you get how I feel. Feel free to ask someone else in my place."

I'd swallow what I'd spent but let whoever covered the other part sort it themselves. That is a bit unfair but let them put it back on the bride.

wizzywig · 05/03/2024 22:29

If you pull out of the hen and it causes aggro (as you've said others have paid up front for you) and bride says to come to the wedding, will you change your mind?

showmethegin · 05/03/2024 22:55

As someone getting married in less than 5 months that is absolutely outrageous. Yes absolutely see how much money you can get back and I'd be explaining why.

There seems to be such a mentality at the moment of "my wedding my day, everyone else just deal with it". Normal manners, kindness and courtesy just thrown out the window. It's such a shitty way to treat people.

Original poster
Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 22:56

wizzywig · 05/03/2024 22:29

If you pull out of the hen and it causes aggro (as you've said others have paid up front for you) and bride says to come to the wedding, will you change your mind?

It would probably upset me but equally I’d dig my heels in more and be like fine, exit chat, toodles

OP posts:
MintyChops · 05/03/2024 23:09

tillytown · 05/03/2024 22:07

Is there a group chat for the hen do? Go on there, say you have been uninvited to the wedding so you'll be needing your money back. Then use that money to pay for your new dental work. And don't feel bad, you didn't uninvite yourself, the bride did.

This. She is not your friend.

bluesclues91 · 05/03/2024 23:13

Don't embarrass yourself by actually going on the hen!!! What a nasty thing of her to do.

Pull out of all of it, they clearly don't care about you or your feelings.

She's using you. Don't allow it.

What did you reply to her?

bluesclues91 · 05/03/2024 23:15

Surely 'so can I clarify I'm not invited to the wedding? Because I got a save the date and I've paid x amount for your hen do abroad...?'

Then when she flaps and apologises all embarrassed just say 'so no, of course I am no longer coming on the hen do, why would I?'

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/03/2024 23:16

The main issue is sending you a save the date for the wedding… which is basically inviting you, and then taking it back. Ask her directly why they sent a save the date. Then pull out of the hen. Who needs a friend like that, seriously…

BritneyBookClubPresident · 05/03/2024 23:16

This is so rude! How much do you owe for the hen? I'm

Namenamchange · 05/03/2024 23:18

don't go to the hen, it will be really awkward.
while you would be losing money, think
about how much you’ll be saving in spending money. Imagine having to pay a share of all the brides meals.

Tell the group why you aren’t coming and leave the bride to sort out the rest.

Sauvblonk · 05/03/2024 23:20

morningsnig · 05/03/2024 22:15

"Hi Hens. Feel a bit awkward but realise now I'm not invited to the wedding. Accepted the hen trip after getting my save the date card but would feel uncomfortable going on the hen trip so bowing out. I'm sure you get how I feel. Feel free to ask someone else in my place."

I'd swallow what I'd spent but let whoever covered the other part sort it themselves. That is a bit unfair but let them put it back on the bride.

100% send this message to the other hens. Pretty sure others will be in the same (uninvited) boat!

LifesTooShortToLearnPolish · 05/03/2024 23:20

Awful behaviour. A “save the date” means an invite to the wedding. Why else would you need to save it?
There will surely be lots of talk about the wedding at the hen do, so that will be awkward, embarrassing and possibly hurtful for OP to have to keep pointing out that she’s not invited. So thoughtless of the bride.

Personally I’d give the hen a swerve, OP.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/03/2024 23:20

I’d message on the hen group and say that you don’t feel comfortable going to the hen as for some reason you have been uninvited to the wedding, and will they be able to find someone to take your place. Message the same to the bride and say if they can’t find anyone please can she cover the X amount left to pay, seeing as it was her decision to invite you. It’s the nuclear option but I don’t really see another way unless you’re just happy to pay and write it off. At least you will save on wedding gift etc, lol.

Original poster
Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 23:21

BritneyBookClubPresident · 05/03/2024 23:16

This is so rude! How much do you owe for the hen? I'm

£200 i think, then whatever gifts for her and drinks and meals for the bride

(I actually also really dislike bridal showers and stuff like that feels so terribly self indulgent and look at me, but this is besides the point)

OP posts:
Original poster
Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 23:23

bluesclues91 · 05/03/2024 23:13

Don't embarrass yourself by actually going on the hen!!! What a nasty thing of her to do.

Pull out of all of it, they clearly don't care about you or your feelings.

She's using you. Don't allow it.

What did you reply to her?

I was a bit too stunned to say anything intelligent, i just said oh ok and that I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to attend the hen cost wise. Didn’t ask about why I wasn’t invited, felt like begging for an invite to her wedding.

Shan’t mention that I had her parents at my wedding

OP posts:
OutOfTheHouse · 05/03/2024 23:26

Years ago I was invited to a hen, then the church service and the evening, but not the day. It was very odd. But I wasn’t a close friend of the bride and the hen was more of a work night out than anything else.
No way would I be going abroad. It’s not only the £200 you’ve put down, you need to add every airport coffee, glass of wine, snack etc.

TheSlantedOwl · 05/03/2024 23:27

Wow. That’s awful. Don’t go to the hen, of course not.

She’s being dense as fuck and ridiculously rude.

NewName24 · 05/03/2024 23:28

The very fact that this question gets asked on here every 3 weeks or so, would seem to indicate that it is common, so I'm quite surprised at the vote.

It's because many 'hen dos' have turned into an excuse for a raucous girls' holiday - so people who would be up for that, are asked if they want to go, but when it comes to wedding numbers, brides and grooms generally want to include their parents and Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles and friends who wouldn't necessarily want to spend their money (and AL) on that sort of a holiday.

However, sending a 'Save the date' then not inviting someone to the wedding, is incredibly rude.

Original poster
Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 23:33

NewName24 · 05/03/2024 23:28

The very fact that this question gets asked on here every 3 weeks or so, would seem to indicate that it is common, so I'm quite surprised at the vote.

It's because many 'hen dos' have turned into an excuse for a raucous girls' holiday - so people who would be up for that, are asked if they want to go, but when it comes to wedding numbers, brides and grooms generally want to include their parents and Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles and friends who wouldn't necessarily want to spend their money (and AL) on that sort of a holiday.

However, sending a 'Save the date' then not inviting someone to the wedding, is incredibly rude.

See if it were me I’d at least invite them to the evening do, seems so awkward otherwise

OP posts: