Invited to hen but not wedding?

[Numnumnumnums]

That’s weird right?

friend is getting married. Invited to hen do (it’s abroad so paid my part, few hundred) received my save the date to the wedding, but not an actual invite to the wedding. Then saw on social media a post chasing people for their rsvp at the end of the month. Turns out I wasn’t invited.

no fall out, not an intimate family wedding. But that’s weird right to invite someone to the hen (especially a paid for one far away) and not to invite them to the wedding?

yabu-no it’s common
yanbu- yeah that’s weird and i wouldn’t go to the hen

I'd tell her that you wouldn't have agreed to come to the hen do if you had known you were going to be uninvited.

Would you like to know the best part MN, literally the best part. This is her reconnecting with me.

i went through a very difficult time personally with the loss of a very close relative and she refused to talk to me.

year later came back tail between her legs, saying how sorry she was and it was awful of her and she was determined to make it up to me

That's rude as fuck. An abroad wedding and a save the date, but then no invite.
I would definitely be pulling out of the hen do.

Ok, I'm going to read between some lines here and go full investigative mode?

Why are some of the other hen party subsidising your place?

Do you think they maybe some things being said like...well she can afford this (insert something you did/bought), but can't pay for her place on the hen do? Then gossip, gossip, gossip leading to...
Well if she can't afford the hen, then she can't afford the wedding so I just wont send her an invite.

Do you think any of that might be at play?

I had people at my hen who weren't invited to the wedding, most of them in fact. We had a very small non-traditional wedding, and I didn't even want a hen do. My Mum was quite sad about the lack of 'normal' things I was doing so I let her organise a hen do after she asked me to have one. It was just a night out though and everyone who was invited knew the wedding situation so could make a fully informed decision about whether to come or not. I insisted that whatever she organised didn't involve having to go away or cost people much money. Most people still came along. I'd be totally pee'd off in OPs situation where you're having to fork out loads and no one even mentioned you wouldn't be at the wedding.

I think you’ve got the best of both worlds. I’d much rather go on a decent trip than go to a wedding.

Ugh. She sounds horrible.

Bin her off without a second thought OP.

I'd decline.

I wouldn't go. I'd contact the organisers and explain you are not invited to the wedding so won't be attending the hen.

Yes you may write off what you paid but it would cost more if you go.

truthfully because it was £100 initially and then going to be in the UK, fine paid it whatever. Then the location moved (to somewhere much more inconvenient but still UK) ok, another £100 now it’s gone international £200 and a coach ride. All in the space of like 1 month, I just moved roles and missed the cut off for payday, the scaling up also coincides with the my finding out I’m not invited malarky.

I’d pay my £200 and cut my losses and not go to any of it and close the door on these people for good.

I was best maid and pulled out the night before a hen abroad, as I wasn’t happy about the railroading and changes . I didn’t regret it.

I’d definitely pull out. Who sends a ‘save the date’ (which may mean booking time off work) and then reneges on that?! But wants you to make up the numbers for the hen.
Nope. No thanks.

Thing is I don’t really want to pay £200 for a holiday I’m not going on, when it’s a plan that’s been changed so many times.

if I was told it was a hen abroad, I’d have said no from the get go. I just think it is so self absorbed to think all these people (there are at least 20) should spend all this money on you

When did this get all out of hand with hen dos abroad. I don't even know why people think with the COL this is ok.

I have a similar experience where the hen organiser decided the list of attendees, told us the bill (it was £300 pn in a shared room in an ibiza villa). Then she was surprised when people didn't go and she was left with a £20k villa fee. 🙄

I think people really show who they are when it comes to things like this.

I'd be tempted to be honest with the organiser and ask for your money back, but expect resounding silence! But at least you will have your answer...

it was £100 initially and then going to be in the UK, fine paid it whatever. Then the location moved (to somewhere much more inconvenient but still UK) ok, another £100 now it’s gone international £200 and a coach ride.
You were mis-sold; where will this mission-creep end? Walk away now!
You just have to decide which reason to use (increasing cost of the Hen, the dis-invite snub or the dentist). If you list all three then it looks like you are inventing excuses, even though you are right.

The more you say OP the more infuriated I am on your behalf. You signed up for a UK Hen for a wedding you were invited to. Text the group asap.

"Hi everyone. Just wanted to let you all know that I won't be coming anymore because when I agreed to come I thought it would be in the UK. I also thought I was invited to the wedding. It's turned more expensive than I initially agreed to and it feels awkward now anyway. Just wanted to let you all know before any more plans are made. I'm not expecting my initial deposit back but obviously won't be paying any more. I hope you all have a great time."

She was using you from the get go to make up numbers. Don't go, forget the £100 you've already shelled out. Fuck that

If she asked about RSVPs on Facebook then I assume that's how you and the other hens are contacting each other. Is that correct? If so I think I'd post something. Are you the only one out of the 20 who isn't invited to the wedding. I wouldn't be rude or snippy but I'd explain that you don't won't to go and would like your money back.

Well given all your updates. She’s a shit friend.

Don’t go and I’d tell her why.

Why did she refuse to talk to you??

She showed you what she was years ago when you needed her. Please believe her

2 reasons. Reason 1) It was too much for her, im also not a talk about your feelings kind of person, so I’m definitely not the type to pick up the phone at all hours of the day or frankly even at all sobbing. But she literally blanked me for over a year

reason 2) jealousy that i had a ‘better life’

Too much for her?

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant and a user tbh.

Yes, my loss of a close relative was simply too much for her to handle, she couldn’t take on any additional ‘emotional responsibility’

It's quite a good scam, isn't it. Invite too many people, get money off them, scare them off with talk of increasing costs and then pocket their deposits.
You gain a free £200 for every hen that drops out!

Agree, that it's a good idea that you should send a brief, factual explanation to the hens. You received a save the date but following the facebook post you were told you are no longer invited to the wedding.

If it was me in the hen group, I would completely understand and support your decision.