Invited to hen but not wedding?

[Numnumnumnums]

That’s weird right?

friend is getting married. Invited to hen do (it’s abroad so paid my part, few hundred) received my save the date to the wedding, but not an actual invite to the wedding. Then saw on social media a post chasing people for their rsvp at the end of the month. Turns out I wasn’t invited.

no fall out, not an intimate family wedding. But that’s weird right to invite someone to the hen (especially a paid for one far away) and not to invite them to the wedding?

yabu-no it’s common
yanbu- yeah that’s weird and i wouldn’t go to the hen

So they expect you to pay to attend a hen do abroad for her celebrations but she's not prepared to spend the money for you attend her wedding, I'd pull out end a full refund and end the friendship.

How can you not want someone at your wedding, but want them at the hen do?

I’ve known of several real life instances of this.

People are v weird about weddings though. A friend got married last year, we see him often, and none of the friendship group made the 120 person invite list.

We aren’t really sure who was there. Odd!

That's extremely rude. Can you get your money back for the hen?

I’m going to a hen do but not the wedding but it’s a 2nd wedding for her and a 3rd for him so very small with family only and an hour away. I was fine with it until I learned 2 friends in our group are going as they are her besties. I thought the 4 of us were close but my mistake. All fine but I view our friendship differently now.

Getting more and more common from what I read on MN.

Usual hello how are you? Saw the Fb post for rsvps, how’s everything going and said I’d not heard anything since getting the save the date in the summer…

she said, usual greetings and then sorry, I should’ve told you (me) earlier and then asked about still coming to the hen

Now I get it maybe for intimate weddings or religious minority weddings or destination weddings (but then don’t you still send the invite as a gesture?) but on a whole, how this if CF to the max

I think it is becoming more common but also think it’s flipping rude!!

@Numnumnumnums Is there a hen party thread?

I’d be childish and message it and say, sorry not coming now as it turns out X doesn’t actually want me at the wedding

Could she have meant sorry I should have told you earlier....as in you are invited and I should have told you before now as you haven't heard from me since the save the dates went out....it just seems insanely cheeky otherwise

How did you respond to that???

Speechless!!! That's shocking behaviour!

It was the ‘but you can still come to the hen though can’t you’ that made it seem like I wasn’t invited anymore…

honestly the dentist appointment looks more appealing

Very rude, especially because of the save the date & the expensive abroad hen do.

I'm not inviting many friends to my wedding, our dc have additional needs & won't cope if we have loads of people there. A few friends have asked if they can come to my hen do instead & make that a real celebration- obviously dc won't be at it, so no worry about overwhelming them.

I had been worried people would be offended if they were invited to the hen & not the wedding, so was pleased they understood. But I think your situation is totally different & v rude.

Definitely don’t go to the hen.

What have you spent the money on already, flights or accommodation?

Have you paid it to organiser?

I’ve paid part and they’ve covered the rest for me, so I’d feel harsh on them too

I'd be telling her I have a better offer - a dentist's appointment! Best thing is, it's true.

I’d be asking for my money back… but not until I’d booked that dentist appointment!! Then I’d be removing her from all my social media and mobile phone!

I wouldn't want to go either. Seems people just use guests so they have a packed out hen but don't want to include them in the wedding. Ridiculous

100% fuck her right off

I know! I’ve seen all kinds of weird behaviour around wedding over the years though.

OP, sorry to hear about your situation. I do think it’s bad form to expect you to spend money on the hen party abroad and then mislead you about the invitation. I think I’d be pretty annoyed and upset.

Fuck that, I would not be going to the hen. Mainly just because I think it would be awkward, all speaking about the wedding and stuff and you're not even invited, no way. Do you know if everyone else invited to the hen is going to the wedding?
I think it is getting more common, having lots of people at hen parties then smaller wedding but i think people make that clear what's happening, to send a save the date then not invite you is just rude. I think it would actually be end of friendship for me.

What have they paid for with your money? Have they actually booked and paid for anything yet?

The person who needs to feel harsh is the bride.

I’d be asking her to refund you what you’ve already paid.

She’s made you accept her hen invitation under false pretences so she can look popular in her pictures. I doubt you would have accepted if you knew you weren’t invited to the wedding.

Whatever you do, do NOT pay them a penny more.

How can you not want someone at your wedding, but want them at the hen do?
Don't the hens normally cover the bride's costs on the hen-do ...

I'd be tempted to pull out, OP, and let them find someone to pay the balance of the costs take your place.

I'd not leave the people who paid for your hen out of pocket. Just don't go.

Honestly, I don't know why people aren't more honest about how it makes them feel. Just say politely you are hurt after receiving a save the date then no invitation, no warning & going on the hen would be humiliating. A much needed dentist appointment has come up so you have to take that instead.

Tbh anyone still invited will scoff at you, but eventually they'll end up in the same shoes & rethink it. Only then will people start to change their behaviour.