To not apologise when I meant what I said?

[MotherOfOlafs]

MIL round for Sunday lunch last week, all very pleasant to start with. MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless. Until during lunch she told us about a woman she’d seen at a restaurant who had some facial hair. She then told us she’d taken a photo of this lady obviously without her knowledge and sent it to some friends who’d then ‘made some very funny comments’. She was laughing her head off while she was telling us this. To be perfectly honest it made me furious and I replied ‘I didn’t realise you were such a nasty bully MIL’.
The rest of the day was spent in silence pretty much. She now won’t speak to any of us (fine with me but DH is upset). He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising. I honestly don’t think I should, especially as this all went on in front of DD14 and I would never want her to think this behaviour is excusable.

@mylovelytulips But photos like that which have been shared are quite likely to end up being seen by the woman's family or friends or colleagues. I'm sure they'd see it as bullying.

Possibly some people need to familiarise themselves with the definition of 'bullying' (as some posters have tried to do).

I disagree that OP should have “read the room and kept her mouth shut”. That would have suggested to her DD that you can behave that badly and there will be no social consequences. If anyone spoilt the afternoon, it was MIL.

You were perfectly correct to call her out on her behaviour. Though I don’t think it could be classed as bullying - though it was nasty, horrible, disgusting behaviour and your MIL should reflect and feel ashamed of herself. I wouldn’t apologise to her.

I would not apologise for the way it was said. A bully is a bully.

Love this

I think it would make her think twice about being a bully, in ops presence at least. I think it’s pretty silly to dismiss ops reaction as ‘wanting the moral high ground’, calling someone out for being nasty should be the standard imo.

You were right to call her out.

What you said was very aggressive and unacceptable.

You could easily have said to her ‘that’s really unpleasant mil, it’s classed as bullying you shouldn’t do that’.

Aren’t we told with our children to call out the behaviour (‘you behaved in an unpleasant way’) rather than label the child as the behaviour (‘you are an unpleasant person’). Not sure why you think it’s ok to have treated MIL this way, and despite the cheering from the mn crowd we all know most would have handled it in a more respectable manner.

No, because the thing is, children are children and they are learning how to behave. So that's why you label the behaviour, not the child.

MIL is a grown ass adult and is a fucking horrible cow.

MIL, I have asked MN and a few posters have pointed out that I didn't use the word bully in strict accordance with the dictionary definition. For this I apologise, as on reflection I see I was wrong, and should in fact have accused you of being spiteful, cruel and projecting your internalised misogyny onto another woman. Also of being severely lacking in decency taste and wit if that is what passes for humour in your social circle.

This is good. Actually, it was horrible without a 14 y/o being in the room but mention of her Granddaughter might just make her think. If she has a brain

You were perfectly right to call her out on this.

Don't apologise.

It sounds like she is spoilt and petty and everyone is enabling her behaviour.

She is setting a poor example in front of your teenage daughter.

Frankly your husband should grow a spine and tell her that what you said was perfectly correct under the circumstances and that she should reflect on her behaviour.

How nasty. No apology necessary.

Are you serious?
keep my mouth shut and not spoiled everyone’s afternoon?
with someone spouting poison in my home?
I feel like you and her would get on VERY well

People like her are happy to dish it out but always turn victim when called out.

So how did she harm, intimidate or coerce this woman? She didn't did she.

How do you know the woman didn't know? MIL sounds as though she has the sensitivity of a rhino and certainly not the most tactful of people, so for all you know the woman could have seen her and been aware of what she was doing. The woman may well be conscious of the facial hair, which could be due to a medical condition.

There are some lovely people around - and OP's MIL isn't one of them. She sounds like a nasty, spiteful piece of work and no doubt couldn't cope with being told as much. Husband is a wimp and OP shouldn't apologise.

Edited for added word

Frankly, given the situation in which she glorified in this behaviour, whether it was strictly bullying or not isn't that important.

The context is that she crowed about this in front of a 14 year old girl. When 14 year old girls do this it's almost always photos of a classmate. Someone identifiable, someone that they can snigger about, and who almost always will find out about it and be mortified. Which IS classic, literal bullying.

So MIL needed to be called out on what was an identical action to that which, by result, fits the dictionary definition. Because it's the 14 year old that needs to get that message, as well as the MIL.

She should be the one apologising

I have PCOS and facial hair is a symptom of this. I spend my whole life plucking, waxing etc and dread anyone else noticing. Its massively affected my confidence and I hate going out when it's visible but too short to wax.

I would be beyond mortified if someone not only noticed it, but took a photo to share with others and laugh at me. And what you said to her was tame compared to what I would say to her.

What your MIL did was horrific and I would never speak to her again as she is such a vile bully. What I would actually like to do is punch her in the face and then post it on social media for everyone else to see and troll her for the rest of her life - but Im not a big a bitch as she obviously is so I wont.

Tell your DH is grow up and deal with his vile piece of shit mother and she would never cross the threshold of my house ever again.

Some adults also need to learn how to behave.

Even if you don’t agree with that, or if you say op didn’t need to teach her mil (fair enough), it still doesn’t change the fact that how op went about it was rude and aggressive, and she could have made the same point in a better way.

What a nasty trait she has. I would not apologise you simply called out bullying behaviour. Ask your dh is he okay with his daughter hearing this because I wouldn't

Like the people who dish out cruel comments are always but always described as sensitive.

Well done you OP 🏆

We need more people like you in the world.
Keep up the good fight.

What a nasty Cow she is. I'll bet she was a joy in her schooldays.

Don’t apologise. You’re a better person than me as I’d have called her a cunt

As a teacher, I've dealt with multiple cases of young people being very upset and offended when they are called a bully. Their parents phoning up, demanding it be retracted etc. When that is exactly what they have been doing, bullying.

She lost control of the situation because you didn't give her the response she wanted or expected. She's trying to regain control of the situation through emotional manipulation. It's probably a strategy that's worked her entire life. Don't let the bully win.