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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not apologise when I meant what I said?

339 replies

MotherOfOlafs · 05/03/2024 15:02

MIL round for Sunday lunch last week, all very pleasant to start with. MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless. Until during lunch she told us about a woman she’d seen at a restaurant who had some facial hair. She then told us she’d taken a photo of this lady obviously without her knowledge and sent it to some friends who’d then ‘made some very funny comments’. She was laughing her head off while she was telling us this. To be perfectly honest it made me furious and I replied ‘I didn’t realise you were such a nasty bully MIL’.
The rest of the day was spent in silence pretty much. She now won’t speak to any of us (fine with me but DH is upset). He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising. I honestly don’t think I should, especially as this all went on in front of DD14 and I would never want her to think this behaviour is excusable.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 05/03/2024 15:06

Don't apologise and tell DH not to be bothering to apologise on your behalf.
You pulled her up on her behaviour and comments and made her feel (quite rightly) a twat, that's her problem, not yours.

Mrsttcno1 · 05/03/2024 15:06

I 100% would not be apologising for that, good on you for calling her out on it. Horrendous behaviour from her!

BranchGold · 05/03/2024 15:08

Yeah, I wouldn’t be apologising.

Her tantrum seems very in keeping with her general behaviour.

easylikeasundaymorn · 05/03/2024 15:09

Good for you! What a horrible thing for her to do. You basically just stated a fact, it's not as though you lowered yourself to her level saying something like "wow i hope nobody took a photo mocking your weight/hideous outfit."

Ask your Dh how he'd feel if your dd came home.upset because her peers had taken a photo of her and mocked her on social media for her appearance. Unless he thinks that isn't bullying then why should you apologise for just stating the truth.

Or if your dd did it herself, how could you punish her if she (reasonably) said "but granny did the same thing and you all said it was funny/fine?"

Calculuses · 05/03/2024 15:10

Could you do an "I'm sorry my remark upset you" apology for the sake of DH?

shenandoahvalley · 05/03/2024 15:12

Ha. Her reaction sounds exactly like a bully's reaction.

Don't back down. In fact, I'd use this as a reference point for DD each and every time bullying comes up. "NOBODY is allowed to bully anyone. That behaviour is all about the bully and nothing to do with the victim. It's a coward's way". The fact you're applying that to her DGM will really push the point home.

Let your DH pander to his mother if he wants to. He can go join her on the bully bench.

purplecorkheart · 05/03/2024 15:12

The truth hurts sometime.s. Well done for calling out her awful behaviour.

IncompleteSenten · 05/03/2024 15:12

No fucking way would I apologise
She was nasty.
She deserves no apology.

Maray1967 · 05/03/2024 15:13

easylikeasundaymorn · 05/03/2024 15:09

Good for you! What a horrible thing for her to do. You basically just stated a fact, it's not as though you lowered yourself to her level saying something like "wow i hope nobody took a photo mocking your weight/hideous outfit."

Ask your Dh how he'd feel if your dd came home.upset because her peers had taken a photo of her and mocked her on social media for her appearance. Unless he thinks that isn't bullying then why should you apologise for just stating the truth.

Or if your dd did it herself, how could you punish her if she (reasonably) said "but granny did the same thing and you all said it was funny/fine?"

Edited

Well said. She needed to be called out on it, and her behaviour towards that lady was vile.

You would have no moral authority with your DC if you sat there and said nothing, and then hit the roof if they did something similar.

WhatFlavourIsIt · 05/03/2024 15:13

There's only 1 person that should be saying sorry, and it's not you.

Dweetfidilove · 05/03/2024 15:13

Ah lovely! That was a horrible thing to do - well done for calling her out.

Don't apologise.

BobbyBiscuits · 05/03/2024 15:13

There is no way you should apologise. Taking photos of strangers and zooming in on their facial hair, showing mocking comments, showing it to your family at the dinner table? Is she a 13 yo male Andrew Tate supporter? She sounds cerebrally challenged. Lol, pubes, lol, facial hair...

Tell him 'I'm not having it', end of. He can talk to her if he likes obviously but you frankly don't like or need her in yours or your teen daughter's life.

If she gets told to calm down by him then you can reconsider, but I bet he won't tell her to wind her neck in.

Enko · 05/03/2024 15:13

I'd apologise for the manner you said it but explain that body positivity is important and especially in front of a 14 year old.

I know many wont agree with this. However, we also have to behave properly and education here for mil on why that was unkind is better than bullying / belitteling her. I assume you usually get on OK.

pikkumyy77 · 05/03/2024 15:14

Good for you!

Scaffoldingisugly · 05/03/2024 15:14

If you have to see her at any point be wearing a fake beard....

pinkyredrose · 05/03/2024 15:15

What a nasty thing for her to do. Def do not apologise.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 05/03/2024 15:15

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YABU. There was a nicer way you could have conveyed what you did given you knew she'd be upset at your words and that, as your MIL, it is not like you won't see her in the future.

"I'm surprised at you MIL, that was an incredibly unkind thing to do"

rwalker · 05/03/2024 15:15

For the sake of peace and divide in the family can be extremely difficult for everyone involved I would apologise
in a backhanded passive aggressive way
apologies for the way you handled it calling her out in front of everyone
say looking back you should of done it privately instead

so you have apologised but still maintained calling her a twat

PersephonePomegranate23 · 05/03/2024 15:15

Calculuses · 05/03/2024 15:10

Could you do an "I'm sorry my remark upset you" apology for the sake of DH?

No!

Why should OP be the peacekeeper? How about MIL sends a message saying 'sorry, I didn't stop and think how horrible my behaviour was'?

She won't....because she IS a nasty bully and instead of thinking about her own actions, has everyone has to dance the her tune by throwing a tantrum and freezing people put like some overgrown queen bee from a cheesy 90s film.

Shitlord · 05/03/2024 15:16

You've nothing to apologise for. Her behaviour was awful and set a terrible example to the children. You called it what it was.

MotherOfOlafs · 05/03/2024 15:16

easylikeasundaymorn · 05/03/2024 15:09

Good for you! What a horrible thing for her to do. You basically just stated a fact, it's not as though you lowered yourself to her level saying something like "wow i hope nobody took a photo mocking your weight/hideous outfit."

Ask your Dh how he'd feel if your dd came home.upset because her peers had taken a photo of her and mocked her on social media for her appearance. Unless he thinks that isn't bullying then why should you apologise for just stating the truth.

Or if your dd did it herself, how could you punish her if she (reasonably) said "but granny did the same thing and you all said it was funny/fine?"

Edited

This is exactly it!
If I heard DD saying/doing this to anyone I’d be fucking livid. So why am I putting up with it from someone (anyone) else?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 05/03/2024 15:17

What a horrible thing to do. I wpuld have said something too

Dont back down on this

IncompleteSenten · 05/03/2024 15:17

This is how shitheads carry on being shitheads.
Everyone panders to them and backs down to keep this peace that seems so important to everyone but the horrible person who is the cause of the shit!

They get tearful and play the victim and everyone rushes round to smooth things over so they live to be a twat another day.

Fuck that.

Neverpostagain · 05/03/2024 15:17

Has calling someone a bully every made a person change their behaviour? If you honestly wanted her behaviour to change (which you didn't - you wanted the moral high ground) what might you have done differently?

Scaffoldingisugly · 05/03/2024 15:18

Did she also bully dh and that's why he is not as mad as you?

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