To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

Why do you even care though?

What does it really matter to you?

‘Why do you even care though?’

Jesus, there’s only so many times I can answer that!

Well, just because you have children doesn’t mean you will have a good relationship with them. I can’t stand my parents and do everything I can to avoid them!

Have known 2 of these couples. Both women got dumped in their 40s and the men both ended up having kids with younger women. So sad but at least they were financially secure on their own. One if the women wanted kids but the husband said he didn’t …

in order to have relatives and an extended family, people have to have children

No, some people have to have children to extend a family. All people don’t have to have children to extend a family. I have extended family in the form of siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and cousins. I don’t need to add to it. There is nothing missing.

Also, I’d be happy enough with no relatives. I love my parents and siblings, but my life wouldn’t be empty if I didn’t have any.

You sound incredibly gleeful about this.

But you have also had people with DC tell you their opinions. We are not defensive.

I have one kid who could very well move far away from us (we moved country so wouldn’t be surprised if she does too) at some point. Even if you have kids theres no guarantee that they will be around. I think being a DINk means you are able to pour more into your personal life. My life very much revolves around my DC and once she’s an adult she will have a life of her own and I will probably move again and have to start from scratch in a new place anyway.

I know plenty of couples in their fifties and sixties without children. None of them are as you describe. But none of them were high earner careerists either.
I think if you devote your life to your career, you can struggle when that is no longer there. But that also applies to people with children.

But I think the point the other poster was making is she can have that without waiting to retirement age.

I appreciate that not all Dinks have more disposable income, but there is no doubting that money goes further without children so for those that earn reasonably well, that gives them more freedom and opportunity.

I have a friend who has worked part time since 35 as has her husband because they had good professional jobs and no children. They therefore didn't need a large house so were able to live a life different to one they may have otherwise had.

Lots of ppl of your age and generation are part time or retired. It's far more unusual to find people in their 30s able to afford that.

Don’t let someone with the IQ of a teaspoon ruin your day - the world is full of people like that and they’re best ignored.

Sorry to hear of your experience, but I’m sure you’ll re-evaluate and I hope you find happiness.

And yet again, you decide you know better.

You have dismissed opinions on the basis some of the responses were defensive.

Of course they were defensive, people without children are sick to death of all people judging them, criticising them and pitying them.

People without children don't constantly question parents decisions in the same manner. They just don't.

The questions why don't you have children or wouldn't you like to have some of your own or who'll look after you in old age? are constantly asked if it's actually anyone's business....yet all us childless people don't question parents in the same way at all.

I work with older adults and can say with absolute certainty that having children is no guarantee of anything. Many many clients I have, have children that have fallen out with them, fallen out with their siblings, live far away or just not that involved in their lives. I've got clients who've never had children who have lots of support around them and certainty aren't lonely at all.

I forget how many people
on MN don’t have kids. I’d never bothered with it til I did, but there you go.

My opinion is that parents who use their children to combat loneliness and entertainment end up the most unhappy. It’s incredibly selfish.
Make your own life. Most people have children to see them thrive in the world, to grow up and be happy not to entertain their miserable sods of parents nor provide care.
I want to be chucked in a nice care home, thanks. I never want my family to be obliged. Not why people have children, not why I did!!

I don’t want to alarm you further but they let us have our own board here and everything. Almost as if MN isn’t just about being a mum!

FFS lots of people with DC have replied too. I have DC too. But you are determined to get validation for your choices.
And here we go with the old chestnut: why are the childfree on MN?

I agree with this. My dbro and sil don't have children, but they do have a large circle of friends. They have kept in touch with their school friends, some with kids, some without. They are also Christian and are active in a church. They do loads of stuff related to that. All my time is taken up with kids stuff, really. I have to make time to see my friends around them and childcare for nights out. Part of that is that I like my own company so don't make friends easily, or make enough of an effort, so use the kids as an excuse when maybe if I didn't have any I'd have to make more of an effort. I don't want my adult kids hanging around keeping me company, though. I'd rather they were off enjoying their own lives, so DH and I would have to start again in a few years, filling our time without children.

I'm surprised how long it took this time around to question our presence here, though.

Can you really not think of anything that contributes to fulfilment other than children?

I actually rather like my husband and very much enjoy spending time with him, going out exploring, having fun, travelling etc. I have lots of friends who I enjoy doing various things with. I also have a healthy amount of cash which allows me to do the things I enjoy.

People are all different. it's not something that you can generalise on.

Some parents have grown up children who live miles away, on another continent or whatever and only see them rarely. Having children is not a guarantee that you will be happy and looked after in your old age ( and no-one should be having children specifically for that reason). Some people are happy with their own company.

The things you mentioned, like separation, divorce, retiring etc are big changes in our lives and many people will feel sad or depressed when these things happen. It can take people a long time, to learn to make a new life, when these things happen - doesn't mean they will stay unhappy for ever? Regardless of whether they have children or not. Those with very young children, do have to keep going for the kids sake - but once those children are adults, it won't make a huge difference as to whether you were DINKS or not in your 30's and 40's

‘Almost as if MN isn’t just about being a mum!’

Right, except of course the mission statement of MN is to make parents lives easier by sharing blah blah blah… so can we just agree it has a focus?

I am in my fifties and watching my parents and friends’ parents age. The happiest ones are the ones with lots of friends and social connections separate from family. Despite having kids, it’s made me more determined than ever to invest in my great friends and keep socialising.

There are so many people whose best friend is their husband or all they say all
they need is their nuclear family. I think it’s a risky strategy and having a circle of friends is key as you age. Not just family.

I hope I can rely on friends to keep me busy and stimulated as I age. If my kids are still living nearby and want to see me, fabulous! But I don’t want them to feel they have to, and I want them to lead fulfilled independent lives whilst hopefully I am too.

I always hear people say on here that their friends are their family but I find most people (with or without children) are all consumed by their family and spend the majority of their time with them.....where are all these people who have the time and inclination to make their friends their family?

Not sure how a thread suggesting that non-parents are all going to be lonely old people has anything whatsoever to do with making parents’ lives easier but sure, let’s say that you’re right and it’s weird that loads of non-parents have contributed instead.