To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

so can we just agree it has a focus?

Lol no. Unless the focus is moaning about MILs.

Childfree people are not "all consumed" by their family. I live hundred of miles from my relatives so I see them from time to time, and call/message etc, but otherwise I'm out and about living my life rather than being "all consumed" by anything. And that's normal among the people I know. It's rare to stay living near your parents these days.

Not everyone is a MN weirdo who rarely goes out and freaks out when the doorbell rings in case an unexpected visitor disturbs the peace of their tiny nuclear unit.

I know loads of childfree people who spend huge amounts of their time with their family

Not in your social circle, by the sound of it. There are plenty of us out there who spend time with both friends and family.

In my immediate social circle (which is mostly childfree people in their 40s, and some with children), there isn't a single person who lives in the same city/town they grew up in, and no-one who I would describe as spending "huge amounts of time" with their family.

Obviously those who are parents spend a lot of time with their children while they're young. But everyone else is busy living life.

Surely DINKs are lucky though, they are in a couple so in theory less lonely and better off than someone who’s single?

equally though many people are happy to be single. I have a lot of happy single friends in their 50s and above.

@Comedycook I couldn’t have children. Both my and DH’s parents are gone - my mum was the last to go seven years ago. Of course we think of them but don’t feel “cast adrift” as you say - we’ e moved on to a new stage of our lives as everyone has to when they lose their parents whether or not they have children. And Ido have family even though I don’t have children - sibling, their partner and my DN, and of course my DH. We are coping very well thank you. Thanks again for your concern but it s neither needed nor wanted.

OP can you see how your posts might be hurtful to people who may have wanted a family but couldn’t have children? It kind of implies we are going to die lonely and unfulfilled. I’m perfectly fine as it happens, but just wondered if you had considered how unpleasant this sort of thread is

😂😂I needed this chuckle, thanks!

OP, if I ever find myself lonely in my old age, can't I buy myself a hot young toyboy with all the money I saved on crèche fees and children's education from my career driven income?

People who think like you are few & far between.

We make our own lives and our own decisions. The decision to have children will influence future decisions, just as the decision to not have children will.

Having your kids make your decisions for you well after they have flown the nest is not healthy.

Allowing bitterness over never having had kids ruin your middle and old age is also not healthy.

Make the best of your circumstances and appreciate what you do have instead of craving what you do not - that is my motto. And I am a SINK 😋

My aunt and her DH were childless - fertility issues. She stoically accepted the situation and threw herself into her career. Work colleagues would visit her in her care home and the turnout at her funeral was tremendous. She is one of my role models.

I am in my 50s, I have DC and a DH, and yet I have a long running thread on here on how to make friends after 50! I am trying very hard and doing pretty well.

Because I don't want to be pathetically begging my DC to keep me company, live nearby, or even live in the same country.

Oh, here comes the "subtle" bingo.

It's MUMSnet, don't you know.

The grass is always greener. I don't think one is better / worse/ more fulfilled/lonelier than the other. For every person with a busy happy life filled by their grown offspring you will find another lonely older parent who feels left out or left behind. Likewise with child free people, some will be living it up and others will feel lonely.

Some of us don't want to spend time with the next generation 🤣.

How bizarre that you think that's the only option for people with children. Don't they have friends? Bless them. Poor things must be so lonely.

And?

So, you're bothered that we're not family-focused enough for your liking and now you're bothered that we're too family-focused. Which is it?

People tend to surround themselves with like-minded people, so if you've spent all your time at soft play and school gates you'll know people who also spend the majority of their time looking after their family. If you come from a family who spend a lot of time together, that's your norm (whereas to me it sounds like something out of EastEnders). There are lots of us who like to spend our time either alone or with friends. I can go weeks without seeing my family and I live relatively nearby

but I assume you enjoy having an extended family

Why do you make this assumption..? I have two baby nephews and honestly, it's made no difference to my life.

What a patronising OP, @Aintbaint .

And yes, it does come over as Us and Them.

so if you've spent all your time at soft play and school gates you'll know people who also spend the majority of their time looking after their family

Most of my friends are childfree actually... but still have grandparents and parents alive. They spend huge amounts of time with them... family events, meals etc. I do wonder how they will cope when they are no longer here.

I'm 64, retired, renting but have some money in the bank to rely on, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, and no partner.
I'm doing very well thanks.

The same way everyone copes when they lose people they're close to.

They grieve. They mourn their loss and move forward with their lives, cherishing the memories they have. And as they spent so much time with them, valuing them when they're alive, they'll have plenty of memories to cherish.

Your attitude is frankly bizarre. Do you really think that because you've had kids you're immune to the usual losses that we all must face someday?

Or do you intend on using your kids as your emotional support crutch to cope?

Here's a news flash: you can have meaningful relationships with people who don't share your DNA. There are a lot of them out there.

where are all these people who have the time and inclination to make their friends their family?

That's me that is. I've spent a lifetime building friendships with the the loveliest, kindest, most positive, interesting, varied, sparky, loving little group of people. One of them is DH.

I made the time because it was important to me.

I had the inclination because you only have one life and investing time, energy and love in relationships is surely one of the main points of being alive isn't it?

My parents died when I was very young. I don't have a big extended family. My children aren't my emotional crutch but they are my family.

@Comedycook surely if I have the time and inclination to make friends when I have DC, the childfree have even more time to make friends?