To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

LOL, what patronising guff.

I’m 48, DP is 56. Together for 21 years. We both work and don’t have kids.

I can assure you we are very happy and not remotely lonely. Why wouldn’t we be happy? We’ve got a brilliant relationship and we can live our lives just as we want. We travel as much as we can, go out whenever we want and have lovely friends and loads of interests.

I also think it’s a bit odd to imply that people don’t have kids because they want to focus on work/career. Neither DP nor I really give a shit about our careers, beyond just having jobs we like.

We didn’t want kids because our relationship just always felt perfect as it was, and it still does. At no point did we feel any need to bring more people into the equation. There was nothing missing.

When I worked in a care home there was more people alone with family that do not visit, then those with family that do.

Im just speaking from my own experiences and people I know. The childfree people I know personally are close to their parents and visit often with their siblings...in their 30/40s but reverting back to being the child of the family when together. They are part of a family and this negates any feelings of loneliness. But parents aren't going to be around forever and I do think once they go, they may well feel cast adrift

I do wonder how they will cope in their later years when their parents and older relatives are gone and they don't have the next generation to spend time with

I'm down two parents and a brother so far. I cope. I wouldn't say people in my sibling bereavement group have an easier time of it because they have children, in fact they'd be very offended at anyone attempting to minimise their grief in that way.

The childfree people I know personally are close to their parents and visit often with their siblings...in their 30/40s but reverting back to being the child of the family when together.

Is that the norm though? I've spend my entire adult life thousands of miles from my parents, while they were still alive. I saw them once a year.

OP you are a clueless imbecile.

What about those who have children living across the world? You don't have children as an insurance policy for your old age and nobody knows how life will pan out. Just because someone has children, doesn't mean to say they aren't lonely - for all sorts of reasons - so this is really false logic to suppose otherwise.

Aren't you lovely 🙄

Yes there are but older generations die off...and when you are older and they are gone you are relying on other people in your family having had children so you can have an extended family.

I also think it’s a bit odd to imply that people don’t have kids because they want to focus on work/career. Neither DP nor I really give a shit about our careers, beyond just having jobs we like.

Absolutely this. I don't have an ambitious bone in my body. DH is into his career but that's for the actual love of the technical side of it, not for anything status-obsessed. It's such a cliche that you don't want kids because you're some hard-nosed careerist.

All the childfree people you know "revert to being the child of the family"? Bollocks!

Most of the childfree people I know of that age are also aunts/uncles, older siblings etc. I have two younger siblings and several nieces/nephews. I definitely don't "revert to being the child of the family" at family gatherings, and neither does anyone else I know.

I mean, sure maybe, but it’s not really a reason to have kids is it. “Didn’t want to feel cast adrift when parents eventually die”.

If you want kids and had them then of course any possible justification to do it will make sense to you, but if you don’t want them then those things will seem like really flimsy reasons to create new human beings.

Yeah, I was thinking surely it depends on your lot in life, kids or not? Eg whether your relationships/friendships are good, you’ve got enough money to be comfortable/happy, you’ve got your health/mental health, you haven’t got any worries, you’ve got interests/hobbies… I suppose kids and grandkids can bring happiness but they can also cause a great deal of worry (think of all the grandparents sick of being the childcare for a start and it could be much worse than this as far as worries go). Entirely depends on the kids you have to obviously, as well as your own life and personality.

There have been studies on regret in older childfree individuals, and no, they don’t have higher levels of regret than parents do. Actually, parents reported a higher level of regret.

https://msutoday.msu.edu/news/2023/childfree-study-confirmed-April2023

So it seems they’re quite happily sitting pretty with the decision!

My brother and I live in different countries to our parents, incidentally. Having children by no means guarantees that you’ll remain physically close.

I’m not relying on anyone to give me an extended family. There are kids in the family but they weren’t brought into the world to help me out or give me anything. Had my siblings also been childless that would’ve been fine

I certainly am not going to be relying on my nieces and nephews to keep me company or run my errands or whatever.

I really don’t think that childless people think the way you imagine we do.

I'm sure there are DINKs that are lonely. Like they are elderly people who have kids and grandkids and are lonely

I'm not suggesting you rely on them or are expecting them to look after you in your old age...but I assume you enjoy having an extended family and would not like to have zero relatives or no family at all...well in order to have relatives and an extended family, people have to have children.

Not at all. All my relatives are dead. My family is big though. That's because my friends are my family. You don't need to share genetic material to feel loved and included.

Do you seriously not understand that it’s possible to have brilliant people in your life without them being related to you? Why do you think a ‘family unit’ is the only path to happiness? The whole idea that a couple needs a family to be happy is just absolute bollocks. DP and I make each other happy. My friends make me happy. Just spending time alone makes me happy too. I don’t need to spawn offspring to give me a sense of warmth and happiness in middle-age. I’m already happy.

My parents are elderly and live 200 miles away and one is in a care home. I adore them because they’re lovely, but they certainly aren’t any regular source of company, social interaction or entertainment, so when they’re gone I won’t suddenly find myself deprived of people to spend time with.

‘Honestly, what is the point of a post like this?’

As I said, it’s been on my mind as my varied circles are reaching an age where careers are less important, relationships have ended and health issues are popping up and I was wondering what it was going to be like for one or two in particular.
It was a genuine question. I don’t know the answer, no-one does.So I was interested.

I mean, I replied to you a page back saying I was estranged from my abusive parents so that might’ve been a hint about how much store I set by family, let alone extended family.

I am not close to my siblings - haven’t seen them in person in years. In many ways I already feel as though I do not have a family, and the existence of nieces and nephews is almost neither here nor there. Am I glad they exist? Sure, but if their parents hadn’t wanted to have them then that would’ve been fine with me.

Blood isn’t everything, basically.

"I don't know the answer, no-one does".

You were just told the answer by lot of poster who don't have children but still you persist talking about something you don't know anything about because you have decided you have a better life".

Or, this just in, people can build friendships and social circles, and not have to depend on "family" for all their social interactions! I know-what a new and radical concept.

You have an incredibly limited view of life if you think that people ought to rely on the next generation for their social interaction.

What happens if your insurance policy (which it sounds like your kids are to you) move abroad and you only see them once in a blue moon? What if they decide to stop speaking to you?

You'll be lost.

‘You were just told the answer ‘

no, those are opinions and some of them very defensive so no very reliable. Fair enough. I’ve had people with no kids tell me how they aren’t tied down, can do what they want, etc etc. Fair enough.

Should have added I’ve elderly neighbours with three kids. Only one of them visit; the other two do every few years as they live on the other side of the world and CBA to visit more often. Apparently the couple can’t afford the flight though (but I suspect they don’t want to make the journey after my conversations with them..)

Also have older neighbours without kids who are constantly travelling and doing nice things and wonder if they have more disposable income after not incurring the cost of kids while we are in the process of paying for nursery in London, doing the maths to see if we could afford private school and for how many kids, and saving for possible university and deposits.

Yes, I know you can have kids and travel etc. just a passing thought I have!