To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

I suspect this is clouding your view then. You probably have a rose-tinted view of family relationships

All the childfree people you know "revert to being the child of the family"?

Ahh but we are immature and irresponsible and childish don't you know.

However in the real,world....

@Comedycook I'm sorry you lost your parents when you were very young. That must have been so tough for you. I'm glad your children bring you joy.

My friends are like family to me - in fact they are more on my side than my real family ever was. We all make our own way in life best as we can don't we.

I think the logic here is that the only way one can overcome one’s grief at losing their elder family members is by birthing one’s own family members or freeloading on those birthed by someone else in the extended family.

There is no other way - there must be new family babies for one to bond with or one is doomed to grieving forever like Miss Havisham.

The why is less clear to me.

As I just said in my last post I have no close family, other than a few cousins, and while we like each other we don't spend time together at all - and only three live in the same town as me anyway.

Is it beyond the realms of possibility to you that not everyone is the same? I've never wanted to be part of an extended family, and now that I am alone I don't feel cast adrift and spend my days in misery.

I really don’t think that childless people think the way you imagine we do.

But I think it says a lot about parents and the assumptions they make about the future.

I don't rely on any member of my family for anythingand they are knobs and I don't like them

I don’t agree that child free friends are lonely/lack focus. I have kids myself and they are a constant worry. My childless friends seem to have a lovely time and lots of friends who are in the same boat. Are you trying to justify your choices to yourself op?

I think you'll say anything to make yourself right.

Thank you for your kind words

Fwiw, I think it's great if your friends are like your family but from my own observations I find most people regardless of whether they have children or not, are consumed by their own family and whilst they may socialise a lot and be good friends they aren't willing or able to put as much effort into their friendships

You don't give up, do you. As an only child I spent a lot of time with my parents (divorced). I phoned them every day as they got older, I spent part of every Saturday with my DM, as well as going to her house once or twice a week for lunch, and having lunch with her and her friends every Sunday. I saw my DF a couple of times a week, we had coffee at a cafe once a week until his death last year.

Now I'm alone - and I cope just fine! Maybe concentrate on your own life instead of all this faux concern and "wonder" about other people.

I don't find that @Comedycook . The people I know seem to have a healthy balance of relationships between friends and family.

Building friendships has been no effort for me it's been easy, a privilege and a pleasure.

but I assume you enjoy having an extended family

Nope.
HTH

It's not faux concern at all. The thread is discussing this so I'm commenting. I had a period in my life where my parents had died and I hadn't had my children yet. I didn't find it a particularly happy time.

A person's desire to not feel lonely/without a sense of purpose in older adulthood is no reason to bring a child into the world who is unwanted. We do not need more unwanted children in this world. I really don't like the tone of your post.

We have a wonderful fulfilled life. We made the decision to not become parents as we simply do not want them, do not want to bring new life into the shit show that is the world and do not see how having them will enrich our lives in any way. I believe this is a sensible decision that we came to after talking about it in depth. Not enough people have these conversations and reproduce without thinking of the practicalities; financial, environmental and otherwise!

It is right for some people but certainly not for us. Not having children needs to be normalised.

So your aim here was to chat with other parents about how lonely their child free friends are likely to be, and not to get any opinions from those actually living that lifestyle? And anyone who is child free and comments is defensive? Okay then.

I'm sorry for your loss.

No one finds it a happy time, kids or no kids. If anything, I'd imagine going through such grief and having to take care of kids would be really tough.

I think the Op sounds slightly gleeful about the so called friends with increasingly empty lives

I think it's incredibly difficult to make friends once you're an adult...I find most people incredibly insular and stuck in their own world. The only people I've found who are genuinely open to making new friends are immigrants.

why the assumption that everyone lives as part of a couple?

It sounds like their aim and hope with the thread was that all the parents would jump on board and be really smug about how us childfree/childless people are going to be miserable and alone soon and oh, teehee, poor them!

Thanks but they died ages ago... I'm not talking specifically about grief. I'm talking about just living your life without much family combined with no children. Not a situation I could be happy in...but if others can be, good for them

I have to say I'm so happy that I didn't have children.

I always knew from an early age that I wouldn't have children.

Yes! I always assumed I'd have children because it's just what people do, it didn't occur to me until my late twenties that I didn't actually want them, and to have those conversations with my DH. It shouldn't be a casual decision to become a parent.

Your original post was sneering and you have just confirmed that you feel superior to people without children.

You don’t know why many people don’t have children, not that it’s any of your business, and MN is welcoming to all women, or us supposed to be.

Life without family can be amazing. Not everyone gets on with their family.

I've been truly happy living alone in a country far away from my parents and siblings.