My DH has hidden his true income from me... but why?!

[PurpleTrees123]

Together 15 years, married 10 years, 2 kids. we are happy. Name changed but regular mnetter.

Short version:
DH salary is £42.5k.
His commission bumped his income up to £97k last year, but he has never mentioned this.
AIBU to think he should have mentioned this at some point?

Long version:
DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc.

My salary is more than DH's. I am a good saver, so I set aside my savings first,
and then decide what to do with the left over. I might save some more, I might
spend.

We have separate finances (I know this divides opinions on here!) We get paid into our own bank accounts, and then transfer a set amount each month to a joint account. All bills are paid from the joint account. We are then left with our
own pots of money to do as we wish.

Generally this has worked well for both of us as I am a good saver, so despite the fact I earn more, I also will save for big ticket items and pay for those.... new
boiler, holiday, big days out, family meals, theatre tickets etc.

I feel confident that this has been an even split over the years. And for many
years, DH took home more than I did.

Today, the post has been delivered and there are several letters in there. As I went through them, there are 3 letters from the Inland Revenue. 2 letters are in small brown envelopes, nothing unusual.

One of the letters was bigger and had a large window where the name and address is. Through the window, I could instantly see the words, Income: £97,000

I can’t unsee this. I didn’t go looking for this. It’s actually shocking how it is so clear. I guess it’s the way the letter has been drafted and folded, and this info just happened to end up in the window and be so visible.

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings).

He has potential to earn commission in his role, but at no point has he ever alluded to the fact he has doubled his basic income. All this time I am thinking he earns much less than me, and I have been paying for things out of the savings to make things fairer. His car needed a full service and work done recently and I even offered to pay for that. He didn’t take me up.

I can’t think what he has spent his money on. We have 2 nice cars – we pay for these monthly and I know how much this costs. Our children do lots of activities, but again this is all out of the joint account so I know how much these cost.

We hardly eat out. He doesn’t have a shopping habit, we don’t belong to expensive clubs. We both WFH mostly, and spend all weekends together.

If I can save money each month, then how has he ended up with not enough to even contribute to joint holidays, and say he needs a better paid job?!

I recognise we are financially comfortable, and I am not here for a debate on
WHAT we spend our money on. We both pay into pensions.

AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high!

I call it ‘my savings’ as Savings are all in my name. DH would spend it if he had open access to it. Said savings are only ever spent on family items so actually ‘our savings’.

When we booked a holiday (last year) , it was assumed I would use the savings.

DH recently said he feels bad that he owes me money for the holiday. I told him I didn't see it like that and not to worry about it. Because at the time, I thought he wasn't earning enough to pay it.

I've been the higher earner for 2 years. . Before that we were equal, or he earned more than me. We still split things 50/50 in all situations.

I like having my independence. So does he.

I don't see his money as my money - I thought he earned £42k a year. He doesn’t, he earns £97k.

I'd be delighted if he had anything to show for it!

Alas, he hasn't. As far as I know anyway. Whereas I have a big savings pot, with loads of cash that I like to spend on my DH and DC. Poor things!

I used to work on behalf of HMRC/ DWP etc (for my sins)

I'm with others in thinking a letter from "Inland Revenue" stating "income is x", folded/ drafted in a an awkward looking way, could easily be a scam. It doesn't ring true, the fact it's a rounded figure as well. Tax documents don't tend to state things in this explicit fashion. Basically, you could not understand the document or it's meaning by reading one line through a window.

Is it feasible he could have earned more than double his wages on commission in one year, when previously he was earning none/ very little commission? I guess he could be very dodgy but I would at first explore the options of innocence.

Ask to see the letter and if he shows it then you know he's nothing to hide.

I’d talk to him first. You’re spiralling a lot from one letter. And your joint bills must be insanely high - I earn £42k and have loads left after joint bills

Thank you. They're are so few of us on this thread pointing that out. Everyone else is jumping to the more exciting 'man is cheating you' element of the OP.

This OP simply doesn't make sense.

I am confused... have you split day to day expenses equally and you have picked up everything else.. holidays, new boiler etc... how much does this add up to?

I guess you need to say how my much you have paid out of your savings for family expenses and to ask him to contribute half of this from his commission which he must have either saved or put into his pension... unless he gambled it.. in which case you have a big problem on your hands.

If he has been trying to build up savings to match yours... then maybe an open conversation might clear things up and allow you to move forward..

Maybe he's accessed a lump from his pension pot?
Talk with him. Show him what you saw. Have an adult conversation.

Have you considered opening the letter "by accident"? 😉

I think you’re jumping to conclusions before knowing all the facts. Maybe it’s 2 years of income, maybe it’s a letter about child benefit which shows both your incomes together.personally I think there is a rational explanation.

Ask your DH.

@PurpleTrees123 If you're so certain the letter is legitimate - why not post a photo of the envelope, with the "Inland Revenue" logo, and showing the bit where the income is visible through the window? You can easily blank out your address etc.

Those of us who work in the industry will likely be able to say whether you're right

I work for HMRC. It could be a notification of PAYE code change or that stupid letter which says how much of your tax was spent on what. The letters are automatic. Mine are online but I could well imagine a letter that is readable through an envelope window.

As far as not sharing what he earned. My DH earned about £15k more than he told me. He was siphoning off money to give to his fucking parents who squandered it.

In my job I come across a lot of liars. Most common are a secret gambling habit, or drugs. Spending on a secret love nest or a mistress is relatively uncommon.

It’s HMRC not Inland revenue.

The PAYE code notices do not state income. And they definitely don't state it anywhere near the window of the envelope. I posted a photo of one upthread and it's obvious it cant be that.

There are no standard HMRC letters I'm aware of which would be in a format where income could be viewed in that way.

That's precisely why I put it in inverted commas. The OP seems convinced that this is a genuine letter from the "Inland Revenue" though, so make of that what you will....

Hopefully there's a good explanation. I'd feel really betrayed if this was me.

Sorry OP
Again you are making contradictory statements

"DH recently said he feels bad that he owes me money for the holiday. I told him I didn't see it like that and not to worry about it. Because at the time, I thought he wasn't earning enough to pay it. "

If you both saw it as "our savings" then he wouldn't need to feel bad about it at all. Just because you choose to spend it on your DP, doesn't make it "our savings"
financial abuse is also about access and not being able to make a choice.
An adult being told that they are not allowed to access their own money because they would just spend it all is abusive, regardless of how you justify it.

Oooh I’d have to open it - either with him there or before he came back.

IF it’s not a scam and is a real letter from
hmrc, you can talk through and sort things quickly

If DH has been lying, then you need to know why and where the money has gone, and find a way to move forward.

take this one step at a time

Good spot. Which leans me further towards my instincts on this one.

You need to question it and honestly depending on his reason , this could be a deal breaker . How long has he been hiding it from you ? What is he doing with the money ? If you don’t get answers you can get a forensic accountant to o vestigqte it for you .

Op - you can't have received a legitimate letter from HMRC where you see income through the window.

They DO NOT send letters showing this.

So is it something different or are you perhaps pulling our collective legs?

I'd be raging & not have considered all the possibilities suggested here (fraud/mistake ect. bar leaving him cause id want to know too!) so your right to actually sit down & talk to him about it first hand

An extra £50k a year though! Even If it was just last years tax bill is a massive amount to cover up. I'd wonder if he's actually changed positions or moved up in the company promotionally not just recieving a bonus though if hes been there a while?

Either way I'm just placmarking in case theres an update if you do find out what's going on...

She was happy for him to pay half the bills when she thought his income was less than half hers. It smacks of being hoist on her own petard.

Yeah you can’t, if the address is shown then it’s impossible. Not sure if maybe this thread needs reporting. As it’s not possible.

Firstly you need to find out where that extra money is, maybe he has a gambling problem. Seems a large amount to hide,

@BIossomtoes
She spends pretty much ALL her money on them things. Not her things.

They split the bills when they earned a similar amount and then when she earned a lot more she would save the difference and bit for their big spends like holidays. She wasn't spending it on herself

Hi @PurpleTrees123 apologies, but I have only read all of your posts on here.

How do you know that it isn't a scam or an advert for something like a type of pension? It could be advertising something with a potential to earn £97,000 as an example.

I think that I would give him the post whilst saying something like this:

"Sorry Darling, but I am on tenterhooks here, as I couldn't help noticing £97,000 in the address window, and don't know whether to be excited because you just won the lottery, or maybe it is just advertising a prize of that much money if you took part in a competition or something!"

I am suggesting the above approach because if it isn't what you have assumed it to be, I think that your DH would quite rightly be upset with you for not trusting his honesty. So I think you should just hand it to him saying something similar to my suggestion above, and stand there smiling while he opens it...