My DH has hidden his true income from me... but why?!

[PurpleTrees123]

Together 15 years, married 10 years, 2 kids. we are happy. Name changed but regular mnetter.

Short version:
DH salary is £42.5k.
His commission bumped his income up to £97k last year, but he has never mentioned this.
AIBU to think he should have mentioned this at some point?

Long version:
DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc.

My salary is more than DH's. I am a good saver, so I set aside my savings first,
and then decide what to do with the left over. I might save some more, I might
spend.

We have separate finances (I know this divides opinions on here!) We get paid into our own bank accounts, and then transfer a set amount each month to a joint account. All bills are paid from the joint account. We are then left with our
own pots of money to do as we wish.

Generally this has worked well for both of us as I am a good saver, so despite the fact I earn more, I also will save for big ticket items and pay for those.... new
boiler, holiday, big days out, family meals, theatre tickets etc.

I feel confident that this has been an even split over the years. And for many
years, DH took home more than I did.

Today, the post has been delivered and there are several letters in there. As I went through them, there are 3 letters from the Inland Revenue. 2 letters are in small brown envelopes, nothing unusual.

One of the letters was bigger and had a large window where the name and address is. Through the window, I could instantly see the words, Income: £97,000

I can’t unsee this. I didn’t go looking for this. It’s actually shocking how it is so clear. I guess it’s the way the letter has been drafted and folded, and this info just happened to end up in the window and be so visible.

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings).

He has potential to earn commission in his role, but at no point has he ever alluded to the fact he has doubled his basic income. All this time I am thinking he earns much less than me, and I have been paying for things out of the savings to make things fairer. His car needed a full service and work done recently and I even offered to pay for that. He didn’t take me up.

I can’t think what he has spent his money on. We have 2 nice cars – we pay for these monthly and I know how much this costs. Our children do lots of activities, but again this is all out of the joint account so I know how much these cost.

We hardly eat out. He doesn’t have a shopping habit, we don’t belong to expensive clubs. We both WFH mostly, and spend all weekends together.

If I can save money each month, then how has he ended up with not enough to even contribute to joint holidays, and say he needs a better paid job?!

I recognise we are financially comfortable, and I am not here for a debate on
WHAT we spend our money on. We both pay into pensions.

AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high!

Well legally it's a contract to merge finances and assets and it gives you rights to that end that aren't fully reproducible in any other way.

So if you don't want to merge your money and indeed can't see why anyone would be so "obsessed" as to do it (not your words, I know), the question is why you'd get married!

This just stinks to high heaven. You know it. No one doubles their salary and not tell their wife...no one!

I agree that the lack of transparency is a huge problem and that you need to discuss this in much more detail.
In a scenario where bills are covered and you both earn enough to cover optional spending at a level you are both happy with and you are saving overall, I don't see a problem with having separate bank accounts, so long as there is transparency and all money is treated as family money even if technically some is in accounts in one name, some in the other and some in joint.

After all, ISAs and pensions can only be in one name, so i am not sure why it should be different for other savings. In fact, it is better to spread savings between different banks and different names to ensure maximum protection under government deposit protection scheme in a financial crisis and maximise access to good deals etc.

Like you, DH and I started off earning similar amounts. When we bought a house together (pre marriage), we set up a joint account for bills but kept our own accounts. After we got married and my earnings started increasing relative to his, I offered that we put everything into a joint account but he did not see a reason for that. I also suggested that a few more times over the years but he has never seen the need.
Over time he reduced his hours so he was there more for the DCs and so we agreed he would stop his payment to the joint account and I increased mine. I also paid mortgage (after a house move), childcare and most other costs relating to the DC directly and funded ISA and pension contributions for both of us (or enabled him to contribute more to his own pension by picking up other stuff). I also have a couple of savings accounts but he knows how much I earn and if he is falling short for some reason, he spends from the joint account or asks me to transfer him some money. i transfer money to him or into the joint account periodically anyway (not least because it is easier for him to book holidays and pay tradesmen etc because he is around more). I know that if we were to divorce he could be entitled to half of everything but in fact because i have made some investments in his name and house is jointly owned etc, we are not far off 50:50 of assets anyway. The idea that he is financially abused or that we are not a partnership is laughable.

I can, though, see that it is not the same for everyone, particularly where people are struggling even to cover bills or where one does not have much left once the bill are are paid but the other does and does not share it in some way. Clearly the scenario that needs to be avoided is where one has a lifestyle which involves buying designer clothes and the other one cant afford any new clothes - I can see that a joint account helps avoid that, although frankly someone selfish enough to do that probably would not agree to a joint account anyway. But DH and I enjoy the same lifestyle without needing all money to be in one account.

I can't bear the suspense. I need to know if he's hiding money or it's just a scam letter or whatever.

There is an easy solution to that.

RTFT. Just the ops posts will do.

I'd absolutely have it out with him. I'd be wanted to know why he's happy for your to pay all the big ticket items when he's earning about the same as you.

Not good he lied about commission

But I would want to know what the other debts were that he paid off

Its not about having savings, its about lying ans making the other partner pay for all big things, the boiler , holidays ect;

You're married - Money belongs to you both 50/50, legally.

Hubby is not allowed access to your savings pot, so why should you have access to the 55K he recieved on top?

You say you both have your own cash after bills are paid. The rest of your wages are to do with as you please and he chose to pay off debts.

He wanted to pay towards the holiday's and you did not let him, so that money went on debts (?), or some of it.

Let him pay toward the holiday - He has a right to do this. He's probably feeling emasculated. He wants to feel vital and needed by contributing. He's not just offering out of kindness, he probably really wants to pay and feels he needs to so he can have peace of mind. Let him! You are supposed to be equals!

So, you're either all in and 50/50, or not at all. I find it odd you do not open and read one another's letters when you felt slighted by him not telling you about the extra income. You can't attack him over that because he kept it private, but then contradict yourself with keeping the mail private. Neither of you should be keeping anything private.

Which leads me to this - He should have told you. Not because he was obliged to give you any with the way you control the finances, but because it would have been honest, courteous, and given clarity.

Does he know how much you have in savings...? Because if he doesn't....

I used to control the finances, like this. Drove me insane, in the end, had a melt down and husband felt dejected, as if I couldn't trust him, or allow anyone else to help me.

Let him help you, O/P and take a breather.

You're married - Money belongs to you both 50/50, legally.

this is absolutely false. Money belongs to the person who earns it legally and whose account it is in. Marriage does not give you legal right to your spouses money. Please think logically about what you’re posting. If you did so you’d understand absolutely why this is nonsense and irrational.

And this! That poster has a very odd and idea of what marriage entails. No privacy, no right to have your own money, opening one another’s mail - fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Neither of you should be keeping anything private.

It's such a massive bonus/extra amount I think it's weird he's not said, even just as a "ooh today was a good day and I got x commission at work for the big sale" type of chat. Are you worried he has an issue like gambling? It sounds like he's not really been spending it on obvious things but also needs more money which is odd.
I'd be careful how you raise it though as its tricky to discuss when he's obviously kept it secret for a reason....

@PurpleTrees123 I hope you're ok. You don't sound to me like you've financially abused your husband but people on here seem to hate on woman that bit more. Your arrangement sounds like it worked for you both and I say that as someone who is in a marriage where all of our income is joint money. I think if your DH was living a different/lesser lifestyle than you then yes that's not right as a partner in a marriage but it sounds to me like you share everything you just manage everything.

What your husband has done, in concealing his income is a huge red flag though, I'm so sorry but what is the reason he would/could do that? It'd give me major trust issues. Do you feel like you have got to the truth? Has he spent it? So many questions. With the way your financial situation has been he'd have no need to conceal the income from you, so why did he?

There is never a good reason for lying. Lying poisons everything around it. I would prefer that a life partner said I don't want to share this, so fine. But lying no, that's the end of the relationship.

is he gambling?

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry to ask a totally off-topic question, but what kind of holiday can you go on for £12k? I am really curious. It sounds very interesting.

Well done for having such a good family life. It sounds very organised and I'm glad you were able to talk to your DH.

I'm in the minority, but given that you clearly don't trust him enough to share finances and just have one big open pot, I can't see how you can now turn round and have a problem about it! He pays in for the bills. The rest if (as you said) yours to do with as you like which you've saved.

This is why you should just have a household income not a 'this is mine, that's yours' type of attitude.

In our house, it matters not one jot who earns what. The whole lot goes together, the bills get paid, whatever is left is for both of us to decide what to do with it.

Let's be honest - there's no trust there in the first place!

So where did his extra £50k go last year? You've listed where it didn't go, but on what was it spent on if he doesn't have it anymore?

Yes he absolutely should have told you. To me it wouldn't be about the holiday but the joint expenses like mortgage and accruing savings. Now you're solely responsible for shouldering all these extras & building a future for all of you, whereas he splashes his cash on himself and this seems to happen everywhere: so many women put the family first whereas men go 'what's mine is mine, what's yours is ours'. This is simply not acceptable nor sustainable.

My DH & I have separate finances but we have complete transparency to each others' earnings. We split expenses 50-50 and pay extra lump sums into mortgage and holiday accounts where possible. Separate finances doesn't mean you're not accountable/equally responsible for financing family life&goals.

Thanks for all the balanced responses. I’ve certainly enjoyed reading the whole range!

I’m fine (thank you @Blondebrunette1 & others).
We spoke about it. It's about £25k take home. There’s a reasonable explanation for some of it (pension, credit cards, boys golf trip etc). He saved some. The rest… he doesn’t think he spends frivolously, but he clearly does. We’ve got a plan moving forward and have some new family savings goals.

I still don’t want to pool our finances.

I think initially I was just shocked at his actual income for the year, which was vastly more than I’d thought. It really doesn’t change what we have or how we spend, but we will jointly save more. And he will track his daily spends. We both are fortunate to have plenty of spare money to spend and save.

We are fortunate to have been on some lovely holidays... short haul and long haul. If you want some inspiration, have a quick google at the IKOS resorts - pure heaven!

It changes your mindset though. You thought you were both all in, and now you realise that when the opportunity arises, he doesn’t quite think that way. Have you had any trips the equivalent of a lads golf trip?

Yes I've had some great girls only holidays!

I'm shocked at the number of posters suggesting opening someone else's post. First of all, it's illegal. Secondly, I would never do that. If anyone opened my post I'd be livid (and the most exciting post I get is the odd Tesco club card voucher).

I still can’t get my head around your financial split in the first place tbh.

You wanna be all in financially? As a team? Everything goes in to, and out of, one account. Easy. Simple. Transparent.